I am having a bad day today. I am so sad about my Opa. He is the only Grandpa I really have. My moms dad is mentally ill but doesn't admit it. My Opa is in a crappy nursing home to die. He is on morphine now because he is in so much pain. I believe the pain is caused by his body slowly shutting down and the toxins building up. I don't think he will last a month. I saw him yesterday and he looked better than the 2 times I had seen him before but then I heard that he was on morphine and that explained it. I hate that the last memories I have of him will be this but at least he is still there. He knows I am 5 months preggo and the Baby's name is going to be Louis Michael. But I am so sad to see my Opa this way. Death is so unnatural. Even though I know why I still think WHY. It hurts so bad. We are not supposed to lose people we love. We are not supposed to watch them die slowly and in pain. Its not supposed to happen. We are supposed to live forever in perfection and be young and healthy. I wish I could lay in bed for a few weeks until my heart feels better but it suck because life goes on. I can't stop living for a little while I have to keep going. I am just tired right now. And sad. Even eating is not making me feel better. But it's ok because I have a Dr. appt for the 6th to get depression medication. And probably I will feel better because I can cry now. Some times I cant cry. But you need that release. I am going to take a shower and go to bed

Good night

The worst mom ever

So today I won the bad mom award for the day. I was so tired I could not get out of bed. Carmen was waking up and fussing but then she would go back to sleep so I just left her. About an hour later she finally did the I am NOT going back to sleep cry. So I went in to get her. She was standing up in her crib and when she saw me she sat down like FINALLY. But when I got to her there was poo all over her and her bed. Alot of it. And I saw it because she was pointing to it. Thats right. I left my sweet beautiful little baby sitting in poo for an hour. And she was calmly telling me about it.

Later on I fed her breakfast and I swear that she turned to me and said All done. And she was. She is so cool. I love her so much. I cannot wait until baby Louis is born.

Its always something

So some things are going good and other things really suck.Its always something. Sean and I are doing good. Although I am going to rip him a new one when he gets home because I got our (well it was really my mom) clean and he has started a new pile of clothes on his side of the bed. Carmen is good. Shes grumpy right now but I think shes getting a new tooth. So I understand. And the baby is good. I am doing so good with this pregnancy. I have only gained 5 pounds so far(according to my scale anyway). But my Opa is not doing good. And today my mom told me that they don't think he is going to make it home because he cannot walk or stand. She said that it took 3 nurses to get him to the bathroom. There is no way the family will be able to do that. We are having a hard time getting just 1 person to be with him all the time there is no way 3 will be able to do it. So it looks like he will be staying in the hospice center. It is a really nice place. It doesn't smell and it doesn't feel like a nursing home, but I don't like it. When I saw him on Saturday he was having a hard time staying awake. My heart is breaking.