Recovery

I am at a point in my recovery (from depression) where I am scared to move forward

I work really hard to feel better and it starts working but then I get scared that something is going to happen and I kind of give up and slide backwards

The major players in my depression are lack of sleep, feeling sorry for myself and, fear

Its almost like I am afraid to feel better because I know it wont last

That sucks

And its not true

I can feel better and it can last

But so far it hasn't

So its scary

But I will get past this

I just have to keep trying

Just a little every day

Source

Today is the day

Today is the day

The surgery is scheduled for 10 am this morning

I AM SO EXCITED

But I am having a little anxiety

What if it doesn't work

What if something goes wrong

What if it hurts really bad

You know

Its worth the risk 

But I have anxiety

Yesterday I went to the dollar store to pick out regular sunglasses 

It was fun

I got 3 pair

I have everything ready

Meds

Sunglasses

Folder

I had a bad dream that was almost a nightmare that my sister was late picking me up

It woke me up

I am going to go do some relaxation exercises now

The usual

Well I was out of town

It was only supposed to be 2 nights but ended up being 4

(I tried to put a picture here that I took but it wouldn't work for some reason)

My Aunt took the goobs for me but I started having major anxiety about Carmen

I had to go to her so they were only gone 1 whole day before I went

She was fine

I did enjoy being there though

I wish I could move there

I want to own a house in the country and have chickens and goats and a garden patch

I would milk the goats

And I would never leave the house

Yesterday we went to my sisters house

I rubbed her for hours

She is preggo with a 10 month old

Carmen and Niece were playing in her room with the door closed

I heard Carmen cry like she was in pain so I ran into the room

They were both sitting on the bed naked

I asked what they were doing like that

Niece replied that they were playing Dr

My sister said what were you doing?

Carmen said they were using the Dr tools in their hineys

We were laughing so hard

It was horrifying and hilarious

We had to sanitize the whole Dr kit

I have been doing a little gardening every day

I am really enjoying it

We are supposed to get some rain today so I wont be able to do it today

But its still going to be a good day

Louis and I are spending the day together

We are going to enjoy it

We have a new fishing pole set and a roll of craft paper

And if it doesn't rain we are going to go outside and plant some seeds

Things that make me happy

Last night we let the kids sleep on the floor in our room. I love it. I wish we could have a giant king size bed and all of us sleep together. But its probably not good for sexy time and all. I love doing things with my kids and spending time together. 

Yesterday I looked up state adoption for our state. I saw a picture of a beautiful girl around 9 I think. They don't give that much information on the kids online. In our state each parent has to have 30 hours of training. And for kids with abusive pasts you have to have more. I would have to have 50 hours of training to adopt the girl I saw but she looked like she was smiling right at me. Now is not the time for us to adopt but I wan't to have an idea of what would happen if we were able to one day. 

I told my family about it and they were all appalled. My mom told me about her great aunt that adopted a boy and he was wild and uncontrollable. SHe told me I had to protect what I already had. I know stuff like that could happen and I would not make a decision lightly. 

I love kids so much

And I feel for the ones with no family

I wish I could protect all kids like that

I know I am not a perfect mom but I am a really good one. Especially considering my childhood. 

I love so hard

Positive :)

Yesterday was such a good day. I got so much done and I got to do it uninterrupted. I got to do things just for me. I am feeling pretty recharged today. 

And my parents are coming in today. I haven't seen them for 2 months and I am pretty excited. I just have to clean the toilet and I will be completely ready.

I tried a new bread recipe yesterday and it was a huge success! Sean asked me to make more today. So I am making 2 more loaves today. I love baking. And I am baking whole wheat slightly low carb bread. So its a win win. Diet friendly, fun, and budget friendly. 

I am trying to get my blog looking good. But its not as easy as it sounds. Grr. I found a pic I'd really like to be my background but I don't know where it came from and am not sure if the person who took it would be ok with me using it. But I am going to go ahead and do it. If they find it and don't want me using it I will just take it down. 

I have been searching funny and sweet pictures on pinterest so I am going to try to add one to all my posts

Here is one that shows what a nerd I am

Source

Day Off

I got the day off today. I arranged for Sean to take the kids to his parents for the day. 

I had the best day.

I cleaned the house. Went to my health food store and got some stuff I needed. Went to the craft store to get more embroidery floss and fabric for a project for the kids room. I got to focus on the floss and pick colors carefully. It was so nice.

Then I came home and baked. I made coconut muffins and whole wheat bread. 

I am so glad to get a day off.

I have been feeling better the last 2 days. Sean made me feel better. He just talked to me. We snuggled on our bed and told each other secrets like newly weds. 

Its 5 pm here and I am ready to go to bed. Sleepy

I feel pretty relaxed. And productive.

Better :)

The cloud I have been in has thinned out a little. I feel a lot better than I was. I have been able to get more done around the house. I have been journaling. It helps me get the negative things out of my mind with bogging down the Internets. 

But the best thing about this week is tomorrow my aunt is going to spend the day with me and then she is going to take my babies home with her. I have some stuff to do saturday but you better believe sunday I am sleeping in and then I will be laying in bed until I absolutely have to get out. Hopefully I can catch up in the sleep department just a little. 

I am going to write a list here of some of the things I've been doing to make myself feel better. As a reminder to myself. Its so easy to forget these things.

1. Cleaning until I feel better

2. journaling

3. Exercising

4. Embroidering

5. Foot massage

6. Painting my nails

7. Not thinking

Brain Farts

There is so much crap swirling around in my brain right now. But I feel a little better today. Yesterday I did all the things on my to do list and it made me feel good. I even got a little alone time because both kiddos took a nap. But last night I learned it was because Carmen has an ear infection. She is still asleep right now because she didn't sleep last night. Poor baby. Does anyone know any home remedies for ear infections? I hate to put the girl on antibiotics but earaches are the worst.

Its raining today. Its been so long since it rained. No wonder I had a headache last night. I had a migraine last night so when Sean got home he had to make dinner. It was really nice of him because he didn't have a good day. 

My stomach muscles are sore today. I like it when they are just a little sore. It reminds me that I do actually have stomach muscles. I exercised yesterday for about 15 mins. I know its not much but its the best I can do. And it made me feel better. I am stretching for exercise. Its not hardcore but my body is so tense. And the hip stretches I do have been helping me so much. I found a stretching video for "down there" Thats what its called. Stretching for "down there". I decided to do it because of several issues I've had since I was preggo with Carmen and lo and behold its helping. Who Knew. I have been looking for other stretching videos but no luck. I saw one on public broadcasting at my grandmothers in November that I really wish I could find. But for now I am just doing the down there stretches and what ever else feels good.

I am feeling so much better today. I had been feeling pretty bad. And I've been having a lot of panic attacks. But not today. Its going to be a good day. And my aunt is coming friday to spend the day with me and shes going to take the kids back with her so I am going to sleep this weekend. And maybe do something just for me. As long as Carmen is feeling better. I won't send her anywhere if shes not feeling good. 

And to hopefully make you laugh here is something I pinned yesterday