AmbyLand

I am having a bad day today. I am so sad about my Opa. He is the only Grandpa I really have. My moms dad is mentally ill but doesn't admit it. My Opa is in a crappy nursing home to die. He is on morphine now because he is in so much pain. I believe the pain is caused by his body slowly shutting down and the toxins building up. I don't think he will last a month. I saw him yesterday and he looked better than the 2 times I had seen him before but then I heard that he was on morphine and that explained it. I hate that the last memories I have of him will be this but at least he is still there. He knows I am 5 months preggo and the Baby's name is going to be Louis Michael. But I am so sad to see my Opa this way. Death is so unnatural. Even though I know why I still think WHY. It hurts so bad. We are not supposed to lose people we love. We are not supposed to watch them die slowly and in pain. Its not supposed to happen. We are supposed to live forever in perfection and be young and healthy. I wish I could lay in bed for a few weeks until my heart feels better but it suck because life goes on. I can't stop living for a little while I have to keep going. I am just tired right now. And sad. Even eating is not making me feel better. But it's ok because I have a Dr. appt for the 6th to get depression medication. And probably I will feel better because I can cry now. Some times I cant cry. But you need that release. I am going to take a shower and go to bed

Good night