I have been thinking all week of stuff to blog about and now I can't remember a single thing.

Oh I remember now. I found out last week that another one of my twins ex-boyfriends parents wanted their son to date me and that they could not stand her from the very beginning. His mom told him "are you going to be able to stand listening to that voice every day for the rest of your life" and his dad said "that little Amber made her way right into my heart why dont you date her" HAHAHAHAHAHA. She always was telling me how people didn't like me, that they liked her much better. But the truth is no one liked her, they ALL liked me better.

But my bf was saying that it just took my twin a lot longer to grow up than it does most people. I am not sure thats really true. I have no reason to believe that she has changed at all. As far as I can tell she is exactly the same, she just hides it a little better. But I can still see it. I deeply hope that one day she will change but until then I can't be around her. I can't be close to her. And it breaks my heart. I saw the picture of us together at the hospital when we were born, I cried.....Hard. I know that we were close at one time and I love her so much. I wish things were different. I miss her, the real her the one we haven't seen in so long that I forget she was ever there.

Ok I am going to talk about Carmen now because I am getting really sad thinking about my twin. Lately when I put Carmen down for a nap when I walk out of the room she waves me out. LOL. It cracks me up. She is starting to walk at least 50% of the time. It is so cute to see her toddling around. She can communicate with words or signs but she chooses not to most of the time. It is funny. I love her so much.

The little boy it 4 weeks and 5 days away from making his appearance. I am doing great. My BP went down so its normal again. I have not gained weight in 2 months YAHOO. I was told walking is just fine so I am trying to exercise again and its helping with the slight swelling I have.

Ok I am done for now. I need more coffee. I miss caffeine alot.

Bad day

I am feeling really depressed today. My best friends grandpa died yesterday. My heart is broken for her and the family and I can't believe hes gone.

Vent

I have been feeling extremely tired physically and slightly depressed. The Zoloft is helping but I am still sadder than I wish. I am super emotional. I am not sure if that is from the pregnancy or the zoloft regulating my hormones (or whatever it does) but I have been crying A LOT. I've already cried like 3 times today. I feel bad because I feel like I am being a bad mom. All I can really do is sit on the couch at this point. I am barely keeping up with the basic necessity's around the house. I am only able to cook about once or twice a week. I should be able to do more. I am being a bad wife. As soon as Sean gets home I am like what are you doing for dinner, can you wash the dishes. But I cant do it right now. I get out of breath walking to the bathroom.

Not to mention that I feel so guilty about this pregnancy. I have not taken my prenatals because they made me throw up every time. And I am unhealthy and now its affecting the baby. My blood pressure wont stay down. And that makes me SUPER upset. And I just want to nap. I need sleep so bad but I cant sleep in or take naps because of Carmen. I can't leave her crying in her crib for hours just so I can sleep.

Before I used to feel so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't get stuff done but now I feel so physically exhausted that I can barely move. and that makes me depressed.