Who knew

Last night I threatened the kids with their lives if they did not stay in their room all night and today

Birds are singing and I am walking on sunshine

Who knew getting a few hours of sleep could change the whole world

I still want to die though so I am still not going to take that medicine and I am still going to call my Dr

But seriously 

Sleep = heaven 

No hospital for this girl

Pretty sure Abilify is not right for me

I am not going to keep taking it any more

The last time I did that I ended up in the hospital

Hopefully I can get in at my Drs office soon

Tomorrow I am going to garden my heart out along with 500 a few phone calls

Invalidation and cuteness

Why is it when you need to talk to people they say really stupid stuff like "don't feel that way" 

If only I had thought of that

Most people don't know how to listen

Sean headed out of town this morning and I am feeling really low

I could use someone to talk to but I hate hearing trite advice

Its so meaningless and invalidating

Louis has been playing with one of Carmen's babies. It is really cute. We had to convince him he was a daddy not a mommy. 

He is so cute

stuff

I spoke too soon with my last post

By the time I got to my 2pm appointment with my Dr I was feeling pretty shitty and twitching really bad

I have had some issues with twitching from my meds

 My Dr said it was not ok

So we lowered my dose of meds and added abilify

I slept bad last night

It was the first night all week no little person tried to sleep with me but I don't think I completed one whole sleep cycle

I feel hungover today

And I am still twitching like I have tourettes 

I want some breakfast tacos and to spend the day with my sister

Memes

I didn't feel horrible today!

Its the first day in a few weeks I felt pretty good.

I love meme faces

Therapy

At my therapy appointment today my therapist told me I cannot right the wrongs of my childhood by being a perfect parent. It has been playing in my head like a broken record all afternoon. 

If only it could

My "homework" for the next 2 weeks is working on sleep because the kids are in a bad habit of coming into my room at night and keeping me awake, on top of not sleeping all that good anyway. And telling myself something I did right as a parent every day. 

Apparently I am a perfectionist. It is a little shocking to me that I might be. A little hard to believe. 

I am having a hard time blogging about this because I want to just lay it out there but at the same time I am an introvert and very private. Its trying to spill out everywhere but there is too much surface tension and it won't fall. 

Why do my issues have to be tied so strongly to my mother? Why can't it be over now that the abuse is over. Now I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I want to be over all of this. I thought I was. But then new things bubble up and I am left feeling punched in the gut. Heart broken. Tired.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night saying I just needed someone to hold me but thats not it. Recovery from depression takes effort which I am more than willing to put in and time, But I am impatient. I want it NOW. 

The usual

Well I was out of town

It was only supposed to be 2 nights but ended up being 4

(I tried to put a picture here that I took but it wouldn't work for some reason)

My Aunt took the goobs for me but I started having major anxiety about Carmen

I had to go to her so they were only gone 1 whole day before I went

She was fine

I did enjoy being there though

I wish I could move there

I want to own a house in the country and have chickens and goats and a garden patch

I would milk the goats

And I would never leave the house

Yesterday we went to my sisters house

I rubbed her for hours

She is preggo with a 10 month old

Carmen and Niece were playing in her room with the door closed

I heard Carmen cry like she was in pain so I ran into the room

They were both sitting on the bed naked

I asked what they were doing like that

Niece replied that they were playing Dr

My sister said what were you doing?

Carmen said they were using the Dr tools in their hineys

We were laughing so hard

It was horrifying and hilarious

We had to sanitize the whole Dr kit

I have been doing a little gardening every day

I am really enjoying it

We are supposed to get some rain today so I wont be able to do it today

But its still going to be a good day

Louis and I are spending the day together

We are going to enjoy it

We have a new fishing pole set and a roll of craft paper

And if it doesn't rain we are going to go outside and plant some seeds