Today was

Today was the first time I've ever pulled off Louie's pants and had a turd hit the floor. He was wearing poop pants. So Gross.

And then after we ate breakfast, I was singing along to one of the shows on the disney channel loudly and off key to make Carmen laugh but she didn't even crack a smile. I said "what mommys not funny at all?" and she said no. Little goober.

My Grandpa

My Grandpa is in the hospital today. He has Pneumonia. He is such a fighter he may pull through but he is 90 and he says hes ready to die.

I am trying to decide if I want to go see him. Its raining and cold today. I don't want to go out in this by myself with the babies but at the same time if he doesn't make it through the night.... I will be sad that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I am so sad. I was already sad but now I am overwhelmed with sadness.

My Opa is the only real grandpa I have. My moms dad is bi poler and I see him about once every 5 years. But Opa, he has always been there. I remember when I was little and I would ask him if I could have a sip of his beer. He would always say no because we are not blood related (he is my dads step dad). But I would persist and he would end up giving me some. He still sometimes trys to say that he is not my real grandpa but I don't care. He is. I always scold him.

A while back I thought that he was not going to make it but he has fought and made it a year and a half. So I don't want to be too dramatic but... I love him and I will miss him.

Carmenita

C: Mommy we go outside? Outside mommy outside!

Me: No baby I am sorry we cannot go outside.

C: Oh mommy thats ok.

I love her so much.

I can't

I cant think long enough on 1 subject to compose a whole post so here are some things I have been thinking about...1 more month and Louie turns 1......it has all been a blur and I wish I had been able to enjoy it more. It hurts so much to see people I care about (or cared about) make such bad decisions. I am feeling a lot better other than being sick. I think I want to focus on Louie.

The sweetest little boy is not a new born and soon he will be a toddler. I love toddlerhood so much but my favorite is new born. Well thats not really true. I am sad because I will not be having anymore newborns. And that is a good thing because I am to crazy to handle another one but still, I love them.

And even though he really is the sweetest baby boy in the world, Louie is stubborn. When he wants something and I tell him no (like the trash can) he keeps grabbing at it until I remove it. Carmen was not that stubborn. I could tell her no a few times then she would move on and just come back to it later. Not Louie. He wants it and it takes some real patience on my part to get him to leave it alone.

Louis is very forgiving. Carmen can try to drown him in the bath and make him cry but after 5 seconds he is fine and playing with her again. Or he can scream when I have to clean out his nose but as soon as I am done he is so happy to be hanging with me.

I love how he loves me, and reaches for me, and holds on to me. Like I am special. We went to visit my grandpa the other day and Louie took 1 look at him and burst into tears. The whole time we were there he was holding onto me like he would die if he let go. I have no problem with that. I know that he will grow out of it, and soon enough he wont even want to look at me but for now....he loves me. Its so sweet.

I really am the luckiest person in the world when it comes to my kids. They are so amazing. The last few months have been so hard for me concerning my depression. I have felt that life was not worth living. Even when I thought about how wonderful my family is. There was no joy. But its coming back now. Hallelujah.

This Morning

This morning I was trying to get Carmen to drink some orange juice because we are sick, she said " Oh no I want otchee ". Like she was offended that I asked her to drink OJ. Gotta love her.