Today was

Today was the first time I've ever pulled off Louie's pants and had a turd hit the floor. He was wearing poop pants. So Gross.

And then after we ate breakfast, I was singing along to one of the shows on the disney channel loudly and off key to make Carmen laugh but she didn't even crack a smile. I said "what mommys not funny at all?" and she said no. Little goober.

My Grandpa

My Grandpa is in the hospital today. He has Pneumonia. He is such a fighter he may pull through but he is 90 and he says hes ready to die.

I am trying to decide if I want to go see him. Its raining and cold today. I don't want to go out in this by myself with the babies but at the same time if he doesn't make it through the night.... I will be sad that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I am so sad. I was already sad but now I am overwhelmed with sadness.

My Opa is the only real grandpa I have. My moms dad is bi poler and I see him about once every 5 years. But Opa, he has always been there. I remember when I was little and I would ask him if I could have a sip of his beer. He would always say no because we are not blood related (he is my dads step dad). But I would persist and he would end up giving me some. He still sometimes trys to say that he is not my real grandpa but I don't care. He is. I always scold him.

A while back I thought that he was not going to make it but he has fought and made it a year and a half. So I don't want to be too dramatic but... I love him and I will miss him.

Carmenita

C: Mommy we go outside? Outside mommy outside!

Me: No baby I am sorry we cannot go outside.

C: Oh mommy thats ok.

I love her so much.

I can't

I cant think long enough on 1 subject to compose a whole post so here are some things I have been thinking about...1 more month and Louie turns 1......it has all been a blur and I wish I had been able to enjoy it more. It hurts so much to see people I care about (or cared about) make such bad decisions. I am feeling a lot better other than being sick. I think I want to focus on Louie.

The sweetest little boy is not a new born and soon he will be a toddler. I love toddlerhood so much but my favorite is new born. Well thats not really true. I am sad because I will not be having anymore newborns. And that is a good thing because I am to crazy to handle another one but still, I love them.

And even though he really is the sweetest baby boy in the world, Louie is stubborn. When he wants something and I tell him no (like the trash can) he keeps grabbing at it until I remove it. Carmen was not that stubborn. I could tell her no a few times then she would move on and just come back to it later. Not Louie. He wants it and it takes some real patience on my part to get him to leave it alone.

Louis is very forgiving. Carmen can try to drown him in the bath and make him cry but after 5 seconds he is fine and playing with her again. Or he can scream when I have to clean out his nose but as soon as I am done he is so happy to be hanging with me.

I love how he loves me, and reaches for me, and holds on to me. Like I am special. We went to visit my grandpa the other day and Louie took 1 look at him and burst into tears. The whole time we were there he was holding onto me like he would die if he let go. I have no problem with that. I know that he will grow out of it, and soon enough he wont even want to look at me but for now....he loves me. Its so sweet.

I really am the luckiest person in the world when it comes to my kids. They are so amazing. The last few months have been so hard for me concerning my depression. I have felt that life was not worth living. Even when I thought about how wonderful my family is. There was no joy. But its coming back now. Hallelujah.

This Morning

This morning I was trying to get Carmen to drink some orange juice because we are sick, she said " Oh no I want otchee ". Like she was offended that I asked her to drink OJ. Gotta love her.

Last week

Last week I was feeling SO bad. I really scared myself. I almost called my Dr to tell her that I thought we had the wrong meds. But suddenly I am feeling better. Instead of drowning I feel like I am walking around in a dense fog. A vast improvement. I can breathe a little. It feels great.

I have been giving my babies more attention. Carmen is a real cuddle bug. And Louis he loves being held, and walking in his walker. I have been trying to hold him when he takes his 2 bottles a day because I know they are coming to an end soon. I have been working on our bonds. All of us. Carmen and I "played" a game today. We got 4 letters and made their sounds and said their names over and over. I hope I can teach them.

Last night

Last night I woke up about 2am I think and I could not go back to sleep. Hubby and I watched episodes of Battlestar Galacttica. A lot of them. It was nice getting to spend time alone with hubby but I love sleeping sooo.... However I woke up pretty good today. In fact I feel better (so far) today than I have in a while. Kind of chipper even.

I sat there last night trying to fall back asleep and wrote a blog post in my head. I thought I would be able to remember it. HA.

The transformation into a nerd is now complete. I am going to go watch some stargate atlantis now.

Today

Today I am feeling so sad. I feel like I am drowning in a dream and I can't swim back to the surface. If I could just swim I would live but I can't move. I can't save myself.

I am so sick of struggling. I would just let go but I have 2 babies and a husband I have to live for. I am glad I have them. They are the 1 rainbow in my life.

Apparently a lot of people are going through the same thing right now. I read 2 blogs this morning written by women who said exactly how I feel.

Lately it seems that the world is getting darker and darker. There was no joy in my life and the only time I feel better is when I am eating. So Tuesday I called my Dr and told her. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I am now taking 2 medications. I am not really a medication kind of person but it was at the point that I had to do something. Right now I am feeling the placebo effect but I don't care because at least I am not in bed. And Sean was so supportive. He is the one who told me to call my Dr. It means so much when he helps me like that. I already feel better and today is the third day. I feel less broken hearted. Not as sad. Hopefully I will be myself again and be able to actually post interesting stuff on here.

My sister

Well my sister came and went and despite being gone for 2 weeks now I am still doubting myself as a person and a mom. How does she do that? How does she shake me to the core every time? I am an AWESOME mom. I am a good person. My other sister and I were best friends but now I don't know. She hasn't been very friendly. If I could have it my way I would not see my sister again. I am done. I want nothing more to do with her. Also she talked shit about my marriage. She has been married for barely a year and she thinks she knows about real marriages. Of course she always thought she knew about it before. Every couple we knew who got married she would give them 6 months or 5 years before they broke up. So far I don't know of any of her predictions coming true.

Today I saw my sister on messenger so I said hi. No reply. Why do I give her a chance. It may seem like a tiny little thing but its not. After so many BIG things the little things are just as big. Its just 1 more rejection. 1 more time that she has to prove that she is better than me. The truth is that I don't care who is better. I don't . I just want to be friends. I just want to be sisters. We are twins. But that is all. I am done. My heart can't take any more.

I am so sad today. Her words are ringing in my ears like a broken record. "It's not good for them to see you have a bad day" I think that is the only thing she could say because I am a really good mom. She is like that. One time when she visited me the house was so clean that there was nothing that she could "redo" because I hadn't done it well enough so she washed the couch cushions. That was literally the only thing not perfect. Writing this down has made me feel better because somehow seeing it in writing makes it more reasonable that she is wrong. I think I know why my heart is broken all the time. It's grieving the loss of a best friend and twin sister. I just didn't know it.

A blip

Last night my dog wanted to sleep with me and since our relationship has been strained because of the birth of my children, I didn't want to tell him no. But I had beans for dinner last night. He woke up this morning but I told him to go back to sleep because I am a little sick and super tired. So he nosed his way back under the covers just as I had my first bit of gas from the beans. He sat up and tossed the sheet off of his face and gave me a dirty look. Not exaggerating at all. It was awesome

Carmencita

Today we went to the zoo. It was so much fun. Carmen was running around looking in the exhibits and playing with the stuff they had set up. But the best part was when we were looking at the tiny monkeys and one was right there staring at her. She started saying "Baby, I want baby" and reaching for it. It was CUTE!!!

The Kiddos

Carmen and Louis share a room. Their door has a window in it(because their room was the garage). So that means that I have a window into their world. The other day I went to check on them while they were "napping" and I wish I had a camera. Carmen had carried her pink little tykes chair over to Louies bed and was talking to him and giving him toys. It was so cute to see it. I already knew that they were doing it because I put louis in bed with no toys and I get him out with 4. It is really sweet how they play together. already. I am going to have to get the camera out of the van so I can keep the memory alive.

I wrote this months ago but for some reason I didn't post it.

Making lemonade out of life

I have been thinking about blogging a lot lately. Because I love reading other blogs and because I have been having a hard time coming up with posts because I dont want them to be too negative. Heres what I came up with. I am just going to have to go with the flow, you know follow the river. Sometimes I am happy and funny, other times I am depressed and sad. Thats who I am. I am a happy fat depressed person. I think this should be a depression blog. I have not found many of those. Maybe it will be the next big thing, like mommy blogs.

My moods are very roller coastery. Yesterday was a great day. I got up early, I worked and cleaned house. I took the kids on a walk. C was so funny when I asked her if she wanted to go on a walk she screamed. We only went around the block because our double stroller was in the van that S has been driving to work. When I went right back home she started crying and yelling "walk walk" well actually she says walk "auk". Now I know for most people this does not sound cute but C does not usually act this way. It just means that she LOVES going on walks.

But today........ I am so sad. For no reason. I can't think of one anyway. It went pretty much the same as yesterday. I got up at 7 worked and then got the babies up and fed, and then we went on a walk. But since we got home I have felt a little sick and pretty down. Maybe its just allergys. I couldn't stop sneezing. I almost peed my pants. Hate that.

I think thats it. I am not feeling good because of allergys. And that makes me feel down a bit.

I am going to see if I can find some depression blogs.

Later

Today I feel good, I feel hopeful. My sister is going to stay with us next month. I am a little scared about it and excited too. I would love to be friends with her again. But its scary to put myself out there again. Especially because I have been so hurt before. Its hard. I have to keep negative things as far away from me as I can. I have to be the best that I can for my babies. I can't waste energy on pointless things. Maybe it will be different this time.

I am frustrated with MIL this week. I do NOT like her butting her head in our business all the time. We are adults. We can and will take care of ourselves. Why does she want to hold our hand and walk us through EVERYTHING. It's not her job or even at this point her right to do so. And instead of being honest with us she tries to sneak it in.

"Amber the other day I was watching the Dr.s. Do you ever watch that show? Well its kind of like Dr. Oz. They said not to give babies peanut butter because it can get stuck in their throat and they can choke and its real hard to get it out of there."

I give Carmen peanut butter sandwiches almost every day. I remembered from when I was a kid that I didn't like thick pb because it was hard to swallow. I am careful with her. But I cant protect her from everything. And I cannot worry about Everything that could possibly happen.

I am tired of it. I already have major anxiety. I want so much to tell her to STFU.

And SIL....PLEASE. She is so rude and disrespectful of her mother. She treats her mom so bad I would be ashamed if it was me. But if any one says ANYTHING "Leave mom alone". Doesn't matter if you are right or if she was just saying something dont you say anything. that goes for Sean too. I wish I could tell them to fuck off and take a break from them for a couple months. At least I wont have to see SIL for a while again.

So much for being hopeful.

I am going to find something to eat.

The last week has sucked ass, and today just topped it off. My babies are both sick which means I have not got much sleep and now my Hubby is going to (most likely) be traveling for work. Last year I told him that if he traveled for work I would leave him. My Dad traveled for work and it was horrible in so many more ways than it was good. I am worried. And I feel like my best friend just told me he is moving out for the next 6 months but that he will come home most weekends.

Maybe I will feel better about it tomorrow. It was kinda sprung on me. But I doubt it.

I had this totally awesome blog post written in my head, But since my head is broken I have no idea what it was. Bummer.

I made S. take me to get some pregnancy tests because I was afraid/hoping I am pregnant again. I took it as soon as I got home and its negative. I am glad I am not preggo again but if I were I would be happy.

I wish I could remember that post I wrote in my head.

I am taking a free online course on web design. I want to design my own web page. I want to make my own blog purdy all by myself.

I just remembered the post I wrote!

I have a horrible memory. I used to think I had an almost photographic memory. The reason I thought so was because a friend said that she had an almost photographic memory. But I realized my memory is broken because one weekend at the ILs house we had some tea. We had to leave but I asked to have mine saved and I would finish it when we got back. Sean got to his first but I thought he had mine. I would have bet a million dollars that he had mine. Until I saw the lipstick on my glass. Thats when I realized that hmm maybe my memory is not so good. It started me thinking. My memory is terrible. This realization is going to change me and how I do things. Funny how drinking tea can change things.

Well it was much funnier when I wrote this earlier but like I said my memory is broken.

Well its been a week and a halfish on the new happy pill and my anxiety and scary thoughts are MUCH better but I still feel very blah. But I did read that for a lot of people it takes a good 8 weeks for the happy to kick in.

Louis is doing great on the formula. By the end of the first day he too a whole bottle and I have not had 1 problem with that since. He does have the mother of all diaper rashes but it is getting better. He is so sweet.

Carmen rocks. She saw a pic of a baby crying and she said (I translated it) baby sad diaper stinky. When I change an especially stinky diaper of hers I have to be careful not to tease too much because she gets very embarrassed. I had to tell her that Mommy is stinky too. She wouldn't take a nap today but then later we were watching tv and she fell asleep sitting on my lap. She hasnt done that in so long I just sat there and soaked it in. I love her.

I was talking to a friend the other day and it made me start thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I am not all that sure about myself except that I am a good person. I am happy with that. And while I don't have everything that I want in life, I have the things I want the most. My husband and my babies, a place to live and food to eat. Truthfully thats what I wanted as a little girl. A family of my own. It would be nice to own my own house and drive newer nicer cars I don't really care. I just wanted to be loved. And I really am. Every member of my little family LOVES me as much as I love them. They all give me kisses and hugs without me asking. I may have been slightly deprived of those things as a child. I made a promise to C when she was born that I would tell her every day I saw her or talked to her that I loved her. I have not broken that promise. I feel the same about L too. And Sean. I do tell them all every day how much I love them. And I think it every second.

I read a great blog written by a woman who suffers from ppd. She has very severe ppd. She was saying the other day that she thinks its crap when mommys say how great their child is and its all love and happiness. Because for her it was nothing close to how it should be. Her poor little baby had very bad reflux that caused constant crying and screaming. For months. I would not be able to handle that. I wanted to tell her that it is supposed to be great. You are supposed to look at your baby and have your heart smile. But you know she figured it out on her own. She helped me a lot. Because people don't talk about PPD. And even depression. My MIL told me that being spiritual and reading your bible every day cures depression. I am sure you can figure out how I felt about that. So many people are totally clueless about mental illness, even some who suffer from it. It just sucks. And when someone tells you its all in your head.... I don't understand.

super sucky day

Well today sucks already.

I have major depressive disorder and it has gotten worse since Louie was born. To the point that I have been having very scary thoughts. My Dr changed my meds from zoloft to pristiq. But with pristiq I cannot breastfeed. I started it today. So today I have to wean the boy.

Last night I went to the store to buy formula so He could eat today. And I cried. I was standing in the isle reading the label doing the ugly cry. And I am a really ugly cryer. My face turns all red and blotchy and my eyes puff up instantly and my nose runs.

My heart is broken. I mean its better to have a good mom than to be breast fed but I love bfing. And Louis is my last baby. So no more.... unless we can adopt like we want but thats never going to happen.

Also it sucks because I am quitting cold turkey so I am going to have to deal with engorged boobs and a very upset boy when he realizes that he gets no more nu nu.

I am just going to go back to bed. That will work.

I am a Lady....that likes to talk about farts

First random thing: Boys have stinky farts. Even as infants. Louie has been trying to kill me with killer farts. And they are the kind that take forever to go away. It also makes me laugh because he doesn't know yet, like Sean he does it on purpose. But L he doesnt. It makes it twice as funny for me. Like I laugh because its so bad and because he doesn't know and then I am laughing because when I inhaled it got in my mouth and I almost gagged.

Second random thing: I got a new wedding ring and 2 pair of earrings that go together. I spent less than 100$ on all three pieces. even though its over 4 carats. Because it is all diamonique. I will never buy a mined diamond again. Diamonique diamonds are just as beautiful as mined ones but they are ridiculously cheap. It has been almost impossible to not tell people that my ring is a fake but when I have been able to resist no one could tell. And now I want to buy every one I know something diamonique. Seriously. I bought my best friend an eternity band (for 18$), I want to buy my sister a cocktail ring and my aunt some earrings (they have clip on diamond earrings). I think the best thing is that if at any point I get tired of this ring or I lose it or what ever, I only paid 33$ so I can just get a new one. No worries. LOVE IT

TMI Warning

Finally something funny. Sean got "fixed" today. Since I carried his two kids I figured it was his time to take one for the team.

They gave him 2 pain pills and a valum to take with a cocktail before the procedure....By the time we left for the office he was SOOO out of it. He was not making any sense it was awesome.

When he came out of the office after just under an hour, He was even more loopy. We were talking about the procedure and the recovery, He was asking about the sample he has to turn in to make sure he is sterile I was explaining that after 30 days or 10 AHHEmejaculationsAheem he gives a sample. He said how does that work, that seems like a lot. He thought he had to turn in 10 samples in 1 cup.

I cannot stop laughing.

My life is boring...and I like that

I have decided to journal my feelings in an actual journal and only post interesting things here. That may be why I have not posted for a month.

The only funny thing I can think of right now is: Poor Louie scares like I do. The other day I was trying to get him to go to sleep by himself but he wouldn't so I went in to get him and he had the sheet in his hand and was gnawing on it so I pulled it out of his mouth so I could pick him up. He threw his arms back and SCREAMED. Sean was home so he heard it and we could not stop laughing. Poor baby.

Scary things

Yesterday my parents (who live in mexico) were talking about how bad the drug wars are in mexico. Just from what they said I am having anxiety but now I just read an article in the news paper about a mine air vent that was filled with at least 56 bodies. They weren't sure just how many bodies because there were so many detached hands and feet. So they counted the heads. Now I am not only scared I am sad. Super sad. I think it feels more real to me because Sean has been watching Weeds. I know it sounds funny but watching that show has taken away some of my Innocence. I am a sheltered person in that I have never tried any illegal drugs or even been exposed to them. I've never smoked a cigarette. In that way I have been very sheltered or protected. And because of my anxiety I don't normally watch (or read) the news. It makes me too scared and sad. But I have been reading it on our paper. It bother me how many articles there are every day about murder and drugs.

My kids have to grow up in this world. How am I going to protect them from this?

I am sitting in my living room listening to this amazing band called eScala. My favorite part of the day has become the evening. After Sean gets home and we eat dinner and then we "hang out" and play with the babies. Normally we play in Carmen's room but today we are doing it in the living room so we can listen to music. Best. Decision. Ever.

We are listening to the eScala channel on pandora with our roku. I guess it is contemporary classic. It is truly beautiful. So much better than watching tv.

Earlier I asked Carmen to say her name and she said clear as a bell "armen" but now she wont say it again. That was the first time she ever said it, that I know of. Little turd. She fell down and started crying BAD so I said would a cookie make you feel better. Right away she starts getting happier. As soon as I go to get her some she stops crying. Turd. I love her so much.

Have you thought about your impact lately?

Today I used dirt from my compost bin for the first time. It was so cool. Also I watched a documentary called no impact man. It's about a family in NY who decided to make no impact on the earth for 1 year. They got rid of their tv, rode their bikes everywhere they needed to go and didn't ride elevators. They composted, they reduced, made their own cleaning supplies. They even lived without electricity in their apartment for 6 months. Is there something wrong with me that that appeals to me? They ended up losing weight and getting much healthier.

It was the husband that wanted to do it. The wife did it because she loves her husband. She must love him more than I love Sean because she gave up coffee for him. Sorry babe but I don't love you enough to give up coffee for you.

We have a small garden, and a compost bin. thats pretty much all we have. Thats pretty much all we can handle. In Texas there is NO WAY you can live with out a car. At least where I live. Maybe in one of the larger cities but not here. We would have to walk a mile to the closest store and it is a gas station. But it would be cool to try it.

I think I need to go on a tv fast. I watch tv all day. I keep at least 1 on at all times for background noise. Its like a very good friend to me. I am teaching my kids such bad habits. Carmen eats breakfast and then we watch tv. I don't want to do what my parents did and only allow them 2 hours a week of tv because I think thats why I always have it on. And also because I lived alone for so long. Or was lonely for so long. But anyway I need to find the balance somehow. And for me I am going to try to watch less during the day. I need to read more. I need to hear silence more. Maybe I am using it so I don't have to think. I don't have to be alone with myself.

Hmmmm. I need to unplug I think. I have been making myself work in my yard for the last few days, even though its hot outside, And I am feeling better. I am planning on buying more plants to plant today. And getting the yard mowed this weekend. My parents are coming in tuesday so I have to CLEAN. I am going to have a busy weekend. But I am really looking forward to it. I love having Sean home with me.

Funny moments

I have been so worried that I am pregnant again. I've been dreaming about it. A lot. The other day Sean got scared for a sec that I was preggo. He panicked, not because we might be having another baby but because I go a little crazy when I am preggo. Ok a lot crazy. He said I havent had my wife in 2 years I can't handle the crazy. HAHA.

I was doing something when Carmen opened the door and said "mommy" but the way she said it it sounded like "bite Me".

I'm walkin' on sun shine

We go the best news. Louie does not have craniosynostosis. I knew he was perfect. I was so prepared for bad news that I could not believe the Dr when he said it. It took Sean convincing me in the car. I am so happy. I feel like I won the lottery. Oh happy day.

At night Louie does this thing where he stirs and moans and then he farts and settles right down. It makes me laugh.

complaining

I am having a real bad day today. I wish I had someone to call and talk to. I do but I feel guilty laying this mess on someone. And I don't want to hear "oh he will be ok, Its no big deal" it is a big deal. I have been through a lot in my life but I think this is the worst because its my baby. If it were me it would suck but it would only be half as bad. I am so stressed that I have been getting tension headaches everyday. I have one now. It starts in my jaw. My mouth is hurting because I keep clenching my teeth without realizing it. I don't know how to relax that muscle. I am so depressed that I can barely get anything accomplished. I have not been cooking dinner. I didn't make Carmen her breakfast today. I fed her animal crackers and grapes. It could have been worse but I just can't do it. Oh no wait I made her yogurt with tomatoes and avocados. Well it was kinda her brunch. And she took a SUPER long nap today. like 4 hrs. Which I spent laying in bed with Louie. This blog is turning super negative again.

Confused

I really don't know how I am feeling today. Confused or maybe just tired. My heart hurts so much. I don't like hearing people say "oh its going to be ok" no its not. If my little boy his this this is NOT ok. It does not make me feel better to ignore my feelings. I am tired

Yesterday I was getting Carmen ready for bed and calming her down. We were watching a nature movie. She loves animals. Anyway Louie was crying so I went and got him and Carmen starts patting her pillow. I said do you want me to put him next to you? and she shakes her head yes. So my babies were laying next to eachother and carmen was hugging louie. It melted my heart.

ETA: I am no longer confused I am having a BAD day

Better Today

I am feeling better today. I have been working on getting all my ducks in a row. I talked to the nurse for Dr Jimenez today. He is the Dr who pioneered the endoscopic bloodless surgery. The nurse, Wai said to get the diagnosis and then call back. So Dr J will do the surgery if Louie needs it. This takes SO much stress off of me. In fact I need to tell Sean about this. He will feel better too. Also I am trying to schedule my massage. I have never had a professional massage and I am really looking forward to it.

Bad Moment

I am having a bad moment right now. I am feeling SO stressed. I DON'T want to talk to anyone else. So far my mom has been calling me every day MIL called 2 of my aunts called my sister and two friends. This may not sound like a lot but I talk to my mom usually about twice a month my sister and one of my friends I talk to pretty regular but the rest of the people I never talk to. And I am sure my grandmother will be calling soon. I hate for people to feel sorry for me and alot of times when they are trying to be helpful they are making it worse. Esp. the ones who are like this is no big deal.... YES IT IS. When its your kid you can say its no big deal. Any thing my kids have to go through is a big deal. I am so tired right now from being stressed and depressed. I used to wish I could be sleeping beauty and sleep for 100 years.

Sean is finally understanding what this means. Or could mean. He is realizing he cant just call it crap and expect it to go away. Our son might have to have surgery. He might have to wear a helmet. He might have to go under. And poor sean doesnt handle this stuff too well. We keep telling eachother we will get through this together.

Plan of action

I'm feeling much better today, I don't know why. I decided to make a plan of action. Or I guess really just prepare for the worst case scenario.

Worst Case: Louie has to have surgery and wear a helmet for 6 months to a year. I will paint the helmet to look like a foot ball helmet. Thats pretty much all I can do. We just have to do what ever he needs.

Sometimes I feel so strong and other times I feel so weak I cant breathe. Yesterday I felt weak, today I feel strong. I will take care of my babys. I will do what ever they need. For today I have to make sure our insurance covers this. I am pretty sure it does.

We will get through this, Together

Bad News

Louie does have crainiosyntosis. I had convinced myself that he didn't, I guess you could call it denial. I am heartbroken. I need a few days. We have a follow up appt with a surgeon june 8.

I'mmmmmm BAAACK

You didn't know I was gone but we went to the hill country this weekend. I spent some time with my Grandmother. I love her so much. She is such a great person. I hope that I am like her. I left early with the kids and it was so nice. It was the first time Louie has ever been anywhere but home so he didn't sleep that good, he couldn't sleep unless he was touching me. It was so cute. But Saturday we ended up at the ER because Carmen had a breathing attack. She now has the asthma diagnosis. She wasn't bad but I didn't want her to get worse and I just wanted her Pediatrician to give us the prescriptions for albuterol and pulmicort but noooo they said we had to go to er and it ended up taking 5 hours. But I got to spend all that time with my Nonnie so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

My Nonnie kept calling Roy (my dog) Louie. She asked if Louie was up on all his shots. I thought that was a little weird but I started telling her that yes he was and he had just been to the Dr on thursday when my aunt said She means Roy. Then sunday when we were getting ready to leave, She said are you going to give louie a bath I think he might be a little stinky. I was thinking to myself hes not stinky and my heckles started raising. Then Nonnie said Oh I mean Roy. it was so funny. I told her she almost got on my bad list. Good times Good times.

I love going to the hill country. The closer I get to the ranch the more I relax. And this time the Brown Eyed Susans were amazing. The fields were just glowing from them. And the smell, it was so lovely to catch a wiff of the flowers on the breeze. I feel much better.

I plan to go alot more.

Bad News

I am the kind of person that has a hard time with bad news. At first I freak but then I get used to it and just deal. Like when my Granny died. My uncle called me and I just lost it for about 10 minutes. Then I called my parents and sisters to let them know and headed over to the hospital to be with my family. It is much harder when its your babies.

Today at Louies 4 month checkup his Dr. mentioned craniosynostosis. It is where the plates of the head fuse together prematurely. She is sending us to the Hospital for an xray sometime in the next seven days. I googled it and I am a little scared he may have it. His head has the shape but its not as bad as the pics. But it is the shape. I am freaking out. It sucks to be one of my kids. Carmen has Neurofibramatosis most likely and now louie has craniosynostosis. If he has it he will have to have surgery on his skull. This just sucks. I feel like I did something wrong. Like I am putting my babies through this because I am selfish to want kids when I knew how jacked up I am. I have health problems but I never smoked or did drugs or even ever drank that much. And never any of those while I was preggo. It just sucks

My Job

I love being a work at home mom. It is my dream job. And thats really great because if I were to go get a job, I have no degree or anything so it would be a crappy 6.50 an hour job and we would end up losing money because of daycare and all that. After Louis was born I considered getting a job because it was so much harder, but now that I have adjusted I am so glad I can stay home with my babies.

They are so sweet. In the mornings when Louis wakes up he always smiles at me. Always. A super happy I-love-my-mommy smile. And Carmen does too, unless shes in a bad mood. But most of the time I open her door and stick my head in her room and smile at her and she smiles and waves at me. Thats how I gage her mood, and how my day will be. Smile = Good. Crying = Bad.

This morning I went to get her and she was standing at her door complaining. But when I opened it she was happy. Now that shes in a toddler bed she can get up in the morning and play. So I thought I would be able to sleep a little later but No. Thank you Louis.

Oh and Carmen clearly said OOOIe today (Louie). She was sitting at the table eating her breakfast when I brought him into the room and she got all excited OOOOIE. My heart melted. I am so glad I didn't miss that.

its blahday...I mean saturday

I am feeling super BLAH today. It's just one of those days I guess. I was telling Sean today that I want to talk to my Dr. about possibly switching meds or if its just that I am expecting too much from zoloft. He jumped all over that. He said "you are just expecting too much its not all dancing and laughing all the time" in a super obnoxious voice. I got upset because he didn't even ask how I feel. He just assumes that he knows. He has no idea. I know what it feels like to not be depressed....thats how I want to feel.

It makes me think about Britney Spears and how she went crazy. Money buys you irresponsibility. I would totally go batshit crazy if I could but I can't. I have to take care of my babies, there is no other option. I cannot hire a nanny. I have to clean and cook. There is no one else. Just me. Sean works I take care of the rest. I guess its a good thing because I don't need a conservatorship. I just have bad days and Carmen gets to watch a lot of tv.

Titles are stupid, why do I have to come up with a title?

Today started out pretty good. The plan was to take Carmen to MILs house to spend the night and get some things done.

Carmen to MILs house. Check

(why is there no freaking check sign on here theres this ^ what the frek is that I can't use that)

Get stuff done. Major fail

I have been planning an anniversary gift for my best friend for a while now and it coming up pretty soon so I have been trying to find what I am looking for and since I am sans Carmen it was on my list for today. I went to a place recommended to me and somehow lost my card after purchasing a ridiculously expensive charm. I didn't really want to buy the charm but I felt obligated for some reason. I hate that. I spent FOREVER looking for it in my van. I even took louies clothes and diaper off just to make sure it somehow didn't slide in there. I feel sick. My day would be completely except when I logged on here to write about this I found out I have 2 followers now. And my first comment. 2 followers and a comment. So at least I have something awesome to think about for the next 5 to 10 days while I wait for my new card.

Eh such is life

A little of everything

I just found out I have a follower! HOLY COW! My first follower. We will see how long that lasts....lol.

OK last night I was SUPER upset because I could not find my wedding ring. The ring that I don't like. I was crying and running around the house looking everywhere. When you have 19 month old you never know where they may have put something and I was pretty sure I knew where I left it. We were watching tv in bed and I could not relax so Sean took his ring off and put it on my hand. It made me feel better. And now I am wearing 2 wedding rings because I found mine in Carmens carseat. That turd. She stole my ring. She must have had it in her hand when we left the house. Thank god she didn't drop it or throw it in the trash.

Poor Woowee (louis) is still sick. Carmen has a painful-looking-but-harmless rash. Louie is getting it but for now he is still sick and you can tell he feels bad. Poor little guy. I caught him with the power cord to my net book in his mouth, gnawing on it. Crazy boy. I love love love my babies. I hope that we will all be well soon. We have been sick for so long. I want to go to the gym regularly. I want to go shopping. I need to go grocery shopping...but its extra hard when your babies dont feel good.

I am planning an anniversary gift for my best friend. I am going to get her a charm bracelet and a couple of charms. But I am having a hard time with it because I cannot go shopping (see above paragraph). I may have to order the whole thing online without seeing it. I don't like doing that.

Have you ever accidentally said a bad word in your head and then looked around to make sure noone heard you? I do that all the time.

Do you ever find your own jokes so funny that you cannot stop laughing.....but you are the only one. Every one else is only laughing at you or just staring dumbfounded, because you are so retarded? The other day in the car Sean found some kind of little bug on his arm and he was asking what it was because he didn't know....I told him it was a cootie and then I started chanting "Sean has cooties Sean has cooties" untill I was laughing so hard I was crying. He was staring at me like I married this....Why. And even later he didn't think it was funny. I still think its funny. Right now I am laughing. Good times good times

I guess that is enough for today, Don't want to overload my 1 follower....PAHHHH

Well I am not very good at this blogging thing. I guess I really do use it as a journal, only writing when I need to vent. But not today. I am relatively happy today and will keep the complaining to a minimum.

Carmen makes me laugh a hundred times a day at least but when I think about what she did so I can tell Sean or someone I can never remember. I love how she gets embarrassed if she has a particularly large or stinky poo. I assure her that mommy does too but it only helps sometimes. Right now in spite of having an entire bagel for breakfast she is snacking on corn chips she keeps snatching from the table. And she just grabbed my phone and angerly shaking her head she said "NO". Where did she learn that? Little stinker. I am worried that she has a wonkie eye, and that it means that she has nfs. What if she has a disability like that? I love her so much and it would kill me to see that.

Louis is the sweetest little boy. I love that he sleeps with us and I wish I could slow time down so it will last longer. He is so big. Everyone thinks he is 5 or 6 months old. He is so long. I feel like I have a toddler in bed with me instead of an infant. I love how he hates dirty diapers. And how he smiles at me. He has a very expressive face and when he looks at me you can see that he is saying how much he loves me. He is so beautiful. I learned this weekend that if I want to get him to go to sleep in a public place I need to cover his little face. (I think its so funny how when she says anything to do with a baby she says its "little" whatever......and now Im doing it)

I just got off the phone with my sister. I am so depressed now. The entire time we were talking about exercising and dieting. She was majorly pressuring me to do both. I don't like being pressured to do things. I want her to back off. I am not accountable to her. Or anyone else. Lately alot of people have been pressuring me to be accountable to them. I do not need to be accountable to them. Leave me alone

Sean was right

Today is going to be a good day. Carmen is being so good. Well she is always good but she is being super sweet today. I am figureing this whole being a mom of two thing. I love my family so much. Sometimes in the evening before we put Carmen to bed, we bring her into our room and watch tv all four of us. It is so fun. I am looking forward to when the babies are bigger and we can actually pay attention to whatever is on tv. Last night Sean was singing Carmen her song and she was dancing and clapping. My heart is so full just thinking about it.

Recently I read Mommywood by Tori Spelling. She talks about her relationship with her mom and her fears about being a mom to a girl. I understand what she meant. I have the same fear. What if I turn into my mom. I think the 200mgs of zoloft with help that from ever coming true, and that I am a nicer person. I love my mom so much. She was so depressed when I was growing up that my heart breaks when I think about it. And I don't know how she handled being basically a single mom with 3 babies. I took my 2 to walmart the other day and we made it but just barely. My mom lived in the sticks, she had NO help at all. I have my MIL. She takes Carmen once a month so I can work. My mom had my Aunt but she lived 2 hours away. Having 1 baby didn't change how I felt about my mom but having 2 did. I think I am less hurt and angry with her.

Life is so funny. Just when you think its never going to get better and you should just give up. Everything changes.

I've been busy

I have been so busy.

Sean and I had our 5th anniversary. I can't believe we've been married 5 years. I am so happy we met that sunday in november.

The little boy is doing so good. He had his 2 month check up. He weighs almost 14 pounds. He is HUGE. I love him so much. He smiles now....quite a lot. And this morning he giggled. The cutest sound.

The little girl is not doing good. My poor baby has the poops. Yesterday she puked in her bed and today she crapped in it. EVERYWHERE. I had to toss her in the bathtub. But shes ok. She cracks me up all the time. I love her so much. She is the best. At the Dr. today she kept saying NOO and shaking her head. She hates that place.

I am sad that I wont be having anymore babies. But it's better because I can be a better mom to 2 babies than 3. And if I had another baby it would be the devil.

I love being a mom

1-12-10 ROCKED

Guess what the little turd did come early. The day after my last post in fact. I was babysitting my niece and I guess running after her and Carmen did it. After she left I was trying to just lay around and relax and not cry but I was so miserable. I was sitting in the recliner thinking I WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY TODAY. Then I started having (TMI ALERT) the squirts and throwing up and I thought "hmm maybe all these contractions are doing something" I wasn't timing them because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I called Sean at work and told him " Um I think I am in labor" I told him not to leave work early or anything because labor takes forever but we called his mom so she could stay with Carmen and went in to the hospital. Sure enough I was 4 and a half centimeters. I was halfway there! If I wasn't so afraid of blowing out my vagina I could have done it on my own. And they said we are going to get him out within the hour.......and they did.


He is so cute! He was 9.2 but I think that if he hadn't peed on the Dr. and 2 nurses before they weighed him he would have at least been the same as his sister. He looks like a Melin boy. Blue eyes and all. He is so good and calm but he does have a temper. He loves to snuggle. He sleeps GREAT (for now). His head was 15 centimeters. I really wouldn't have been able to use my vagina again after pushing that out. I am really blessed. He is healthy and sweet and Carmen loves him. I cannot believe that I have 2 amazingly well behaved children (so far) but I am sure they will make up for it when they turn 12. Only 11 good more years to go.


I got to hold him first. In the OR they gave him to me first and then they gave him to me in recovery. I got to feed him in the first hour after he was born. This hospital experience was completely different than Carmens. My nurses were wonderful. And they all loved my baby. The only problems I has were 1. I couldn't sleep at all the first night so I was really uncomfortable the next day and 2. the narcotic they gave me made me SO SLEEPY I had to stop taking it. But I am in so much less pain this time that it didn't really matter. I could keep going for days but I am going to sit on the couch and stare at my baby for a while.

My Vagina Has A Cold

Or a sinus infection. Thats what it feels like anyway. I have so much snot coming out of there. And I am getting a cold or sinus infection in my nose and throat too. I am so pathetic. I cried when Sean had to leave for work today. I have been getting more and more depressed the last 2 weeks. I am hoping that it means that I will go into labor on my own sooner than the 21 which is when the CS is scheduled for. Today I had a size scan for the baby and he is so big he is off the charts. They couldn't tell me what weight range he was in. I am so glad I am not going to blow out my vagina with him. I don't think I could ever use it again. Only 10 days until I get to hold the little bastard. I cannot wait. Why do I call the kid a bastard you ask? Because he is trying to punch his way out all day long. And he LOVES to scare me into thinking he has died in there. Just when I can't take it anymore and am about to call my Dr, Kick Kick. Haha Mommy just kidding. I am still here and alive. He wont move for hours and then all the sudden he wants out NOW. I think this is probably part of my hormonal surges right now. I am going nuts.

Everything all at once

I am so excited! I am starting to lose my mucus plug! I know its GROSS. It looks like I blew my nose through my vagina every time I pee. I love telling Sean stuff like that because he ALWAYS gives me way too much information. He makes me want to gag all the time. Anyway.....I have been so busy and tired the last 4 weeks. I had to go to labor and delivery one night because I was having regular contractions and they were getting more painful. I got a shot of trabutaline and a narcotic. It felt WEIRD. The trabutline makes you super shaky and makes your heart race. The narcotic made me so sleepy. So my heart was racing and I could barely keep my eyes open. It was odd.

Carmen is sick AGAIN. It seems like every other week she gets sick. She threw up ALL OVER EVERYTHING last night. Sean the living room floor the kitchen floor my pillow.... it was so sad. And she is feeling better today but she is still pretty pathetic. And wont stop complaining. She kept us up ALL night.


We sold Seans car yesterday and I fell so much better and less trashy already.


I am so huge (well the baby really I have only gained 5 pounds so far) I should win an award of some kind. I really look like I am having twins. And I have a week and a half to go. We are having the CS on the 21 of jan. I am so excited and happy. I can't wait to see the little guy and hold him.


I am running out of steam because of not getting any sleep last night so Later