I am having a great week

On monday I decided that I was going to have a great day no matter what

I focused on the positive and refused to let myself think about the negative

And it worked!

In fact it worked so well I have had a good week too

It just carried right on over

I am doing good on my eating too 

I have been trying to stay on my diet better

It is so hard to not eat cookies and cake

But I need to do it for my babies

We sold Seans car last night

He is dieing to get a truck

It is going to be a little annoying to have only 1 car for the next few months (until we get our tax return)

But we will make it work

It is kind of nice to have an excuse to not leave the house

"oh I can't go because I have no car today"

:)

It is amazing how having a few good days makes you feel

Anxiety

I am having bad anxiety

I thought I would post about it here because thats what I do

I spew verbal diarrhea here

It's something I need to work on

Not letting anxiety get the best of me

especially when it comes to my religious services

I feel depressed about not going all the time

but I feel like I can't go because I have such bad anxiety

My heart races, my blood pressure goes up (I checked), and I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and a little dizzy

But then I feel bad all week that I didn't go

 I know what i need

Xanax

I have an appointment in a few weeks 

I am going to see if I can get some

This sucks

This weekend

This weekend I threw a baby shower for my best friend.

I hate throwing partys but she threw me an awesome babyshower so I had to return the favor

But she set the bar really high

I have been planning for several months

Researching decorations

We went with a bee theme (as requested by the mom to bee)

It was black, yellow, and white

I used tissue paper pompoms and made some pennant banners

and my friend made a bee hive cake

It was fun

I had a blast

And I managed to eat what I wanted including a few cupcakes and not gain any weight!

But I am never throwing another party as long as I live

Not our invitations but similar

source

I came home with a stomach virus. Actually all of us got it. Carmen puked on our way home I puked last night and louie puked this morning. I am feeling so nauseous I want to burst into tears.

I am feeling so depressed and sad today

It may be because Saturday was the 10th anniversary of  9/11 and it was everywhere I looked

Just seeing 9/11 breaks my heart

Or it could be all of the wild fires in my area

All the people that have lost their lives or at best everything they had

Thousands of people

With nothing but the clothes on their backs

I cannot even read the headlines of the local news papers

I just read a story about a 15 year old girl who gave birth and did not care for her baby

She let her boyfriend beat and choke her baby and kill her (the baby)

and THEN dropped her off at a fire station. 

I want to burro under my blankets and sleep for a week

This world is so bad

I have to stop thinking about this because my mind is going places its not allowed to go

Sean went fishing

On Saturday Sean went fishing, and caught himself. 

He had been gone for about an hour and a half when he called and said needed my help

Before he cast even once he managed to hook himself

and He is really terrified of pain

so I went and picked him up

We got back to the house I got him some tequila and limes and he took 2 shots

After a long time he wasn't feeling it so he took a couple more but he still was majorly freaked out

I went inside to check on the kids and when I got back he said "you are going to be so happy with me"

He had pulled it out himself

I was pretty impressed because he had been so freaked out

But once the adrenalin stopped pumping through his system he was really trashed

He started acting hilarious 

So I took a video

But he made me delete it

He makes me laugh

:(

I am sick today :(

I really need the day off but Sean had a pretty bad work week and is not up to giving me a day off

In fact he left thirty mins ago to kayak

I hope he returns in a better mood.

Maybe I will call the ILs and see if they can take my babies

Stigma

Today I took the kids to the park to play for a while

I was talking with a woman who brought her 5 grandkids 

they were from 6 years old to 5 months

And she said her daughter was not done yet because they only had one boy

I told her I wanted 4 kids but that I am having to stop at 2

And once I admitted to having severe depression she practically ran away from me

I think that is the first time I have been bothered by the stigma of depression

A lot of people talk about the stigma but I had never noticed it other than a depressed person saying how bad they feel that they are depressed and that they don't want to take their meds.

I am not feeling good about it

Update

I have been having a hard time lately. Again.

I was thinking that it was because we upped my meds but I am feeling better today so now I am wondering if it is something else. 

My sister took Carmen all day today. It was so nice. I ran errands all day and then I took 2 classes at the gym. I took the same class that I took last week and am afraid of how bad I am going to hurt this time. I also took a yoga class. I loved it but I don't know if I will do it again because of the origins of yoga. 

I am down 41 pounds as of today!

Even though I would love to continue to lose weight really fast I am trying to remember that this is a life style change and it is about living healthy and not about weight loss. 

I also got to spend some time with Louie today. He is so fun. We were almost done with our errands when he started really fussing so I asked him if he wanted to see his daddy. He said Yup and stopped fussing. I know its such a little thing but it made me laugh. And its one of the reasons I love him.

I know this is a sucky post but its all I have in me.

I hope we all have a wonderful day tomorrow