Lately

When I got home and turned on my computer, the space bar was broken. I just got the new one in today and replaced it myself. Feeling pretty good about myself.

I am off my meds right not. It was because of a policy change at my Dr. office. Its a state run operation and they did not have a clinic in office to distribute meds but were creating one and I fell through the cracks. I'm not mad about it because I was already wanting to go off the meds anyway. I didn't feel like they were helping anymore and I was back on one that already had not worked before. So its been 2.5 weeks now and I am feeling, dare I say better without them. (knock on wood) Sean is watching me closely and I am watching myself. When I got on meds I desperately needed them. I was thinking about killing the kids when I killed myself. But I so far am not having any feeling like that at all. Even just about myself. I have been feeling angry but its only slightly worse than normal. I am working on it. I have been very productive. That is my measuring point. If I am able to do stuff then its working. If I am stuck in bed then its not working. 

My vacation was so amazing. I cannot wait till I can go on another one like it. Sean and I are talking about going to an all inclusive one just the 2 of us. I see what people love about vacations. 

Sean got a new job opportunity that I can help him with. Its close captioning movies and stuff. Its a side job that pays very well. I am going to do as much of the transcribing as I can. We have a lot of plans for the money. Hopefully this will work for us. 

That is me enjoying a rum and coke on a turquoise beach 

That is Louie enjoying the sandy pool

That is Carmen being Sassy in her new suit

New Adventures

I know I have not been around. I have just had nothing to post about. All the same things. Until this week. I am currently on an amazing vacation in Playa Del Carmen. I am crossing things off my bucket list that I didn't even know were on there.

1. Stay at a fantastic 5 star resort
2. Drink delicious frozen beverages while laying in a cabana on a bed poolside 
3. See the Ocean that is not The Gulf of Mexico 

I am having a wonderful time and I only started getting sunburned today. We got here on Saturday. Sean is flying in tomorrow. I cannot wait til he gets here. I am missing him so much.

I have to go because my mom just came in here and she doesn't know I have a blog.

I will write more when I get home 



Weightloss

So my diet is not going that great. The kids keep talking me into things. 

It goes like this; 

Kids: Mommy can we go somewhere?

Me: Yes lets go eat breakfast at Mcds

Or

Kids: Mommy I'm hungry

Me: Ok lets go eat lunch at McDs

My self control is crap right now. But that was only 1 day and other than that I have been good.

But I don't know how much weight I've lost because my scale is an asshole. It was telling me I had lost 16 lbs and then Sean moved it into another room and now its saying I've lost 2. But its been telling him he hasn't lost any and he has lost 7. 

Time for a new scale

A New Normal

I am feeling sorry for myself today

The kids are with MIL and I really miss them

I have been enjoying them a lot lately

I got so depressed after I dropped them off I cried half the way home

We have been doing good on our diet again and I lost 15 lbs so far

I have 24 to get back to my lowest since I started losing

Today I made myself low carb cookies

Regular cookies are SO much better

I have to keep reminding myself that its for the kids

(the healthy lifestyle not the cookies)

Both my goobs have been so good lately

And sweet

Carmen kisses me randomly all the time

And shes always asking to help me do things around the house

They clean their room with a reasonable amount of asking-begging-threatening

Louis kisses my forehead and tells me he "muffs" me

It kills me

I am doing good right now

Maybe not today so much

Killer cramps

But taking a break from MIL has helped me so much

I going to spend the rest of today watching  The New Girl and doing girly stuff for myself

MIL

Yesterday was Carmens dance recital

She was so cute and did such a good job

She was such a little princess

And that is where I want this blog to end but it doesn't

After the recital we went to the ILs house for dinner

Where MIL proceeded to "spank" me

I had a panic attack and ran from the room crying

It felt humiliating and unjust

I realize that a lot of those feelings were my past speaking

But she did that because she was once again complaining about FIL and how he didn't vacuum a pillow she has that she vacuums 

I said " how nice of your husband to vacuum for you" 

So then she said " Sean helps you to Amber. Don't act like he doesn't help. I am going to spank you for that"

And then she walked over and smacked me on the butt 7 times

I wasn't saying that Sean doesn't help me (even though he doesn't)

I was saying maybe for once you should be thankful that you have such a good husband

So then I am in the bathroom crying trying to calm myself 

And here comes her footsteps and a god damn knock on the door

"Amber can I talk to you"

So then she comes in and tells me that she does that to the people she loves

She never really said she was sorry

I cannot remember if she actually said the words or not but what she said after proves that she didn't really care

She was trying to tell me that I took it the wrong way

Like its my fault

She made it all about herself

I explained that it gave me a panic attack and that in therapy we had been talking about my mom a lot and she said something to the effect of: I really love you amber and I didn't do that to hurt you. You take everything I do like I did it on purpose. so I said I know and she said "no I don't think you do"

I feel like we are at the tipping point of cutting her out of our life 

All its going to take is 1 more tiny thing and then I am going to put her in a time out

I am so tired of carmen telling me "Mimi says I can't do that" or other obnoxious shit

If my mom pulled that crap i'd cut her out too

If I had made some one cry I would feel bad and make sure they knew I was sorry 

And I wouldn't do it again

That was not the first time she spanked me

I am a grown ass woman

That was so disrespectful of me as a human being

A person

I am having a really bad day because of this ridiculousness

I keep reliving it over and over in my head

I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it is to me

My mom used to do shit like that to me all the time so it pulled up all those feelings

On top of that it proves how selfish my mother in law is

How can you not feel sorry?

Maybe that relationship is not worth working on

PTSD

When I think about PTSD I think about horrible traumas or war scenes. It doesn't feel right to me that I have that diagnosis. I had a bad childhood but in the grand scheme of things it was not a big deal. I wasn't raped or beaten with fists. I was beat with belts and boards, a machete once. I think the real trauma for me was the verbal abuse. And that sucks but it shouldn't be ptsd. It feels not fair to people who were raped or shot.

I was already thinking about this, trying to write this post in my head when I read Alexis (one of my favorite bloggers) post this morning. I am not vain enough to think that her post had anything to do with me. I agree with her. 

I believe the ptsd I have is Complex- ptsd. Nothing that happened to me was that traumatic. What was traumatic was how long it went on. And how young it started. It was not the severity, it was the duration.  

I am not telling people in my real life because it doesn't matter. And because my parents have made up for their shortcomings. What does matter to me is that it changes the treatment.   That maybe I might be able to move past this depression that has controlled my life since I was 11. That I might be able to live life and enjoy my kids. And that I wont repeat the mistakes my parents made.

Therapy

I am the face of PTSD

It means that I feel like everything is going to kill me (subconsciously)

My therapist is hopeful that the treatment will work but I am discouraged

I am supposed to write down stuck points and a mission statement but I am a little confused about what both of those are

I tried twice to write a post about this and nothing would come out 

So I started writing in my journal and then transcribed it here

The good news about this is that PTSD can hold recovery back. It has a specialized treatment and is curable

Treatment for PTSD helps you think differently about the trauma you experienced

I feel guilty about this diagnosis because my mom is not the same person she was when I was a kid

She is very kind to me now and she tells me she loves me every time we talk

She respects me now

Its not fair

I wish all of this were in the past

I wish it would stay there

The best day ever

Later today I leave for my first solo trip since the kids were born

No kids

No husband

Just me and a friend

I am going to a show for professionals in the beauty industry

I hope to get a few free beauty treatments

We are going to eat and laugh and drink

I CAN'T WAIT

Therapy

So yesterday I met with my therapist for the first time in about 6 weeks

I spent the whole time working on the things we talked about

And trying to think

Trying to identify thoughts and feelings

But I didn't do good

We talked about that and she suggested that I might have PTSD

The thought of PTSD is overwhelming

But whether or not I have it we are going to start using some of the techniques used for PTSD in my therapy

That is a good thought

A new tool

Maybe it will help

Carmencita

Today was another shitty day

In every way

But Carmen made it better this evening

Even though she is going through a really hard stage

She was complaining about wanting dinner

I thought about letting her have crap or ordering a pizza or something

But we ate crap all day so I offered to make salads for dinner

We went out in the yard and picked lettuce

 And as we were coming in She said 

"I love you so much momma, to the back"

I tell her I love her to them moon and back and so now she says to the back

It Melts my angry heart

P.S. Ruth. I am hoping this anger is a new stage in recovery. But maybe I should cut back on the sugar

Amberness

I have been up and down a lot lately

Mostly down

And angry

At every thing

I am angry that I can't seem to continue doing better

I am angry that some things in my life haven't worked out the way I wanted them to.

And I don't know why I am angry

Of course I am endlessly tired

But the trazodone and magnesium I take help me sleep at about 85% of what I need.

So that is doable 

The kids are sick as usual

I am out of humor

Therapy (written weeks ago)

Last week in therapy Nancy asked why I wasn't feeling better even though I was doing all the stuff we talk about. (I really do all the stuff) I thought about it all week and when I had my appointment with her this week I was able to tell her that I was feeling better. I found out the 2 most important things for my mental health are sleep and not feeling sorry for myself. My life is wonderful right now but it is hard too. I have 2 small kids, and a husband that I love very much but neither of those things are easy.

I have been feeling so much better this week. Not letting myself feel sorry while still being nice to myself. I am trying to make some time for me. I ask for more. And its really helping. And the sleep. I require a lot of sleep. When I sleep more than 10 hours I feel FANTASTIC. Its hard to do with kiddos but I need to remember. 

I am feeing so much better that I am going to get up and clean the house right now at 7:30 am before I go for surgery. Now that is good. I did all my morning routine so far and cleaning the house for the day has become a part of it. I really like that. I hate having a dirty house.  

Randomness

So I opened up blogger again trying to think of something I wanted to blog about and I checked my stats and found that somehow my blog is linked to a pornsite. I have no idea how or why. It is highly offensive. I don't have anything on here that would even appeal to someones sexual appetite. 

So I have been uninspired. I think about blogging every day but nothing comes to mind. Its all the same stuff pretty much.

I met with the counselor for the program that will send me back to school and they told me at this point I am too unstable to be sent. So we are working on seeing a therapist once a week and changing meds.  I was pretty upset at first but I was having anxiety about that already so its a good thing. 

I have been able to harvest some snow peas from my garden and a strawberry already. They were delicious. It was very rewarding. 

My goobs are with my Aunt again. I leave in a little while to go get them. I feel calm and ready to have them back. It is so nice getting a break. I am such a loner. I need alone time and I get none. 

I am going to go so I can enjoy the last hour I have to be alone for a while. 

Ciao

Normal

We have been sick again

And I got it the worst

It turned into a sinus infection

Bleh

I am dealing with something that I don't want to talk about here

Its sucking everything out of me

Louis has been a real asshole lately

He has been refusing to pee in the potty

Hes great about pooing in the potty but he'd rather piss himself than pee in the potty

I ordered him a tiny urinal but it hasnt come in yet

I am going to take away his bike if he doesn't start peeing in the potty soon

Or give him away

Maybe I should send him to MILs house

At least I could secretly laugh about it then

Speaking of MIL

She was so tired this weekend

I felt bad for her

She has a lot going on right now and has spread herself too thin

I have been feeling low but I am trying to keep to my little routines 

Taking me time and gardening

Making time for spiritual things 

And sleep

I think those 3 things are my necessity's

 

Recovery

I am at a point in my recovery (from depression) where I am scared to move forward

I work really hard to feel better and it starts working but then I get scared that something is going to happen and I kind of give up and slide backwards

The major players in my depression are lack of sleep, feeling sorry for myself and, fear

Its almost like I am afraid to feel better because I know it wont last

That sucks

And its not true

I can feel better and it can last

But so far it hasn't

So its scary

But I will get past this

I just have to keep trying

Just a little every day

Source

Lasik

So yesterday I had lasik

It went great and today I have 20/15 vision

I wasn't scared at all until I got into the waiting room

I could hear the laser and it hit me that I was about to have surgery on my eye

I calmed myself down and was good to go

They finally took me in and then I started shivering

Anxiety

It was over in 10 minutes with only 18 seconds of actual surgery

They put these sexy goggles on me and told me I had to wear them till I woke up the next day

I was not in pain but it was extremely uncomfortable verging on pain

My sister dropped me off at home and I crawled into bed and pretty much didn't get out til this morning

When I got up this morning I could read

I could read the shampoo bottle from across the room

I put on my regular sunglasses and drove myself to my follow up appointment

I cried because I was wearing regular sunglasses and I could see perfectly

It was totally worth it

Even though I am going to have to get new eyeliners and mascara

And I can't wear eye makeup for a week

Today is the day

Today is the day

The surgery is scheduled for 10 am this morning

I AM SO EXCITED

But I am having a little anxiety

What if it doesn't work

What if something goes wrong

What if it hurts really bad

You know

Its worth the risk 

But I have anxiety

Yesterday I went to the dollar store to pick out regular sunglasses 

It was fun

I got 3 pair

I have everything ready

Meds

Sunglasses

Folder

I had a bad dream that was almost a nightmare that my sister was late picking me up

It woke me up

I am going to go do some relaxation exercises now

Exciting

Why you ask do I have a picture of an eye here?

Because I will be getting lasik!

I will not have to wear glasses after Thursday.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I have needed glasses for so long 

I am really looking forward to wearing regular sun glasses 

People will see my eye color and be able to see my makeup

I can't wait!

A few things

Wednesday at my therapy appointment "Nancy" said " I think you are doing every thing you can, so why are you not feeling better?"

I think I needed to hear that.

I have been feeling sorry for myself. I want someone to tell me what to do. I want to find a magic pill. 

But none of that is going to happen. I have to figure it out for myself and do it myself. I have been doing a lot of thinking. 

I slept really good last night. Louis came in once and that sucked but other than that I slept really good. I dreamed all night. 

Yesterday Sean gave me my anniversary present. 

It was an XBOX Kinect

And he got me a zumba game to go with it

WOOHOOO

I was completely surprised and very pleased with it.

I cant wait to try it out today

I am going to play zumba every day

And I want a singing game. I am not good at singing but I LOVE to sing.

Who knew

Last night I threatened the kids with their lives if they did not stay in their room all night and today

Birds are singing and I am walking on sunshine

Who knew getting a few hours of sleep could change the whole world

I still want to die though so I am still not going to take that medicine and I am still going to call my Dr

But seriously 

Sleep = heaven 

No hospital for this girl

Pretty sure Abilify is not right for me

I am not going to keep taking it any more

The last time I did that I ended up in the hospital

Hopefully I can get in at my Drs office soon

Tomorrow I am going to garden my heart out along with 500 a few phone calls

Invalidation and cuteness

Why is it when you need to talk to people they say really stupid stuff like "don't feel that way" 

If only I had thought of that

Most people don't know how to listen

Sean headed out of town this morning and I am feeling really low

I could use someone to talk to but I hate hearing trite advice

Its so meaningless and invalidating

Louis has been playing with one of Carmen's babies. It is really cute. We had to convince him he was a daddy not a mommy. 

He is so cute

stuff

I spoke too soon with my last post

By the time I got to my 2pm appointment with my Dr I was feeling pretty shitty and twitching really bad

I have had some issues with twitching from my meds

 My Dr said it was not ok

So we lowered my dose of meds and added abilify

I slept bad last night

It was the first night all week no little person tried to sleep with me but I don't think I completed one whole sleep cycle

I feel hungover today

And I am still twitching like I have tourettes 

I want some breakfast tacos and to spend the day with my sister

Memes

I didn't feel horrible today!

Its the first day in a few weeks I felt pretty good.

I love meme faces

Therapy

At my therapy appointment today my therapist told me I cannot right the wrongs of my childhood by being a perfect parent. It has been playing in my head like a broken record all afternoon. 

If only it could

My "homework" for the next 2 weeks is working on sleep because the kids are in a bad habit of coming into my room at night and keeping me awake, on top of not sleeping all that good anyway. And telling myself something I did right as a parent every day. 

Apparently I am a perfectionist. It is a little shocking to me that I might be. A little hard to believe. 

I am having a hard time blogging about this because I want to just lay it out there but at the same time I am an introvert and very private. Its trying to spill out everywhere but there is too much surface tension and it won't fall. 

Why do my issues have to be tied so strongly to my mother? Why can't it be over now that the abuse is over. Now I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I want to be over all of this. I thought I was. But then new things bubble up and I am left feeling punched in the gut. Heart broken. Tired.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night saying I just needed someone to hold me but thats not it. Recovery from depression takes effort which I am more than willing to put in and time, But I am impatient. I want it NOW. 

The usual

Well I was out of town

It was only supposed to be 2 nights but ended up being 4

(I tried to put a picture here that I took but it wouldn't work for some reason)

My Aunt took the goobs for me but I started having major anxiety about Carmen

I had to go to her so they were only gone 1 whole day before I went

She was fine

I did enjoy being there though

I wish I could move there

I want to own a house in the country and have chickens and goats and a garden patch

I would milk the goats

And I would never leave the house

Yesterday we went to my sisters house

I rubbed her for hours

She is preggo with a 10 month old

Carmen and Niece were playing in her room with the door closed

I heard Carmen cry like she was in pain so I ran into the room

They were both sitting on the bed naked

I asked what they were doing like that

Niece replied that they were playing Dr

My sister said what were you doing?

Carmen said they were using the Dr tools in their hineys

We were laughing so hard

It was horrifying and hilarious

We had to sanitize the whole Dr kit

I have been doing a little gardening every day

I am really enjoying it

We are supposed to get some rain today so I wont be able to do it today

But its still going to be a good day

Louis and I are spending the day together

We are going to enjoy it

We have a new fishing pole set and a roll of craft paper

And if it doesn't rain we are going to go outside and plant some seeds

Better

Yesterday I laid in bed for a while and cried

Then I decided that it was time to get up and do some thing

So I gardened

I cleaned out 2.5 beds and planted snow peas, spinach, butter lettuce, and rocket.

The packs said that in 2 months we will be eating from my efforts

I think I am going to plant more snow peas today

It made me feel a lot better

And I think I might go to my babies today

Or tomorrow

I feel like I need to see my girl

After my therapy appointment today

I am so glad to have therapy

Last night we were watching my favorite show

McLoed's Daughters

and someone died (on the show)

I cried and cried

for 2 episodes

I am such a knobb (its an australian thing)

I HATE when shows kill off important characters

 Today is going to be better

I talk about myself a lot

I am feeling all the stress of the last few weeks

I am feeling really sad and my whole body aches

The goobs left yesterday with my aunt and I was so relieved for them to be going but now that they are gone I miss them SOOO much. 

Carmen didn't seem that happy about going and I really wish I had kept her with me

I need some alone non-sick time with her

Sean got a job but it takes an hour to get there

so now instead of an hour a day driving its 2

I do not think this is going to work

I am not moving back to the big city

I hated it there

This week I am going to rest and take care of myself

I am going to clean the house and exercise (just a little)

And drink coffee

And now for the joke of the day:

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty

(say it outloud)

Complaining (fair warning)

I am feeling so overwhelmed today. 

Carmen and Louis are both coughing and wheezing like 80 year old smokers

I need a little me time before I crack

I had a facial scheduled today but Sean got a job interview and now I can't go

I know the interview is very important for our family right now but I am so disappointed

.And its like everything I try to do to feel better keeps getting interrupted 

I tried reading a book, reading my blogs and blogging and I cannot go 3 minutes without interruption

Its exhausting

And I am not sleeping well

Yesterday Carmen had her follow up appointment and MIL insisted that she stay with Louis so that Sean could go with me. She got here 5 minutes before I had to be at my Dr app. That drives me insane. And then when we got home she was cleaning the kids room. But not just putting toys away (because that was already done) She was washing clothes and cleaning the floor . I HATE that. She makes me feel just like my mom used to when I was a kid and it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. She would be telling me how lazy and horrible I was.

MIL likes to make little comments. "that needs to be done EVERY DAY" "that will trigger an asthma attack" "Don't let her do that it will trigger an attack" And on and on. 

I am barely hanging on right now and I cannot deal with that

I need some hugs and alone time. And a massage.

Home again

We are home!

Its so nice to be home together

Carmen was getting really sad so its good she got out when she did

She is so perky and sassy today

I keep reminding her to calm down and breathe

She keeps begging to go somewhere

In the ER starting to feel a little better

She handled the hospital like a champ

When they put her IV in she held still and didn't cry

She took all her medicine and treatments without crying until the last day

By then she was so tired and sad

In the ER feeling a lot better eating all of my dinner

She slept in between Sean and I last night

She and I slept good

Louis slept good

I am not sure about Sean

In her room at the hospital

Somehow I need to relax for a little while today

She is so happy to be home

And she really missed her brother

I am going to "play something quiet" with them now

Bad Week

this is a really shitty week

I can't even go in to everything but it involves people who are dying, Big money problems and Carmen being in the hospital.

She has already been there 2 nights and may stay another

Asthma 

I am so exhausted and overwhelmed right now

I don't have the energy to say anything else right now but I will update when I can

Conversations with MIL

Oh Man was I pissed yesterday

Sean came home and when he saw how upset I was he said well lets go see your aunt. So I got to see her. I really wanted to go for my Uncle and cousins. They are doing everything for her that they can. They said they don't think brain damage is a big concern. They are mostly concerned about her heart. Hopefully she will be ok. 

I plan to go there to be with them as much as possible

After we went to the hospital we ran by the IL's house. They live right around the corner from the hospital. And MIL and I had a conversation. It started like this: I overhear her in the kitchen asking sean to stay with the kids because she wanted to talk to me (Que the awkward)

She sails into the room I am sitting in and sits RIGHT next to me and grabs my hand with both of hers.

MIL: I wanted to talk to you because we haven't really talked since you were in the hospital and I wanted you to know I am here for you and you can talk to me any time.

(the awkward deepens)

Me: Oh thank you. Yes I know.

(Then she starts getting emotional)

MIL: Sometimes when things happen people run for the hills and I realized I did that to you. People were just gone after my mom died.

(Genuinely feeling for her)

Me: You did not do that. I know you are there for me.

MIL: And I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry when I have hurt your feelings. I am apologizing for past and future.

Me: I know when you say things that bother me you are just trying to help.

MIL: Are you sure? Because I really am. I am a mom and that is all I know how to do

Me: Yes. (and then I told her that it doesn't bother me when she gives us her opinion it bothers me when she keeps telling us over and over)

And that was way too long but not even close to the things we were able to talk about. She said she was going to work on not forcing her opinion. And we talked about a lot of things that made me feel so much better. I had decided that if it ever cam up in conversation I would tell her that about the forcing of opinion. I didn't want to bring it up on my own because I didn't want it to feel like an attack and she is very sensitive.

I get annoyed with MIL but I know that she is not a bad person. She has redeeming qualities. And she wants to help. But things add up after a while. And it gets hard to deal with stuff. 

I really hope she meant what she said. Because it would help our relationship a lot. 

I can't wait till Wednesday to tell Nancy about all of this. 

I don't need apologies. I only want bad behavior to stop. As soon as it stops I am good to move on. 

Sucky day

I am so angry and sad today

My Aunt had a heart attack yesterday and was dead for more than 5 minutes so she is in an induced coma. We don't know how bad it was or if she has any brain damage.

I am angry. It is not fair. She is such a good person. 

I am also angry because I want to go to the hospital and see my Uncle and cousins but Sean decided he needed to go fishing and doesn't want to go. I need his support. I am SO angry at him. I would NEVER do this to him. If his horrible uncle had a massive heart attack I would never say that it was more important for me to get a pedicure and have some alone time. I cannot believe how selfish he is. 

I cannot deal with today

Our Family Date

So Sean and I decided that we want to have a date as a family once a month where we spend the day together and do something fun. Together. So last Saturday we did it. We had a lovely day.

First we went to the train museum

Our local Train Museum is really cool. Its free and on the first Saturday of every month they have kids drive the train day. We all loved it.

Then we decided to go to the Zoo

This is a statue at the entrance

This pic is a keeper. I may frame it.

We saw some animals

But these are all the pics I have because I left my phone at home and our camera is a butthead. Its not fun to take pics with. This is all Sean took with his phone.

But we had a great time together

And we bought passes to the Zoo so we can go as often as we want this year. It was only going to be 40$ dollars more and I LOVE the Zoo so I batted my eyes and Sean gave in. I hope we get to go at least once a month. 

I can't wait till our next family date

Diets and all that

I am working on my diet again. Between learning I have high cholesterol and gaining some weight back (and Sean gaining all the weight back) its time to make some changes. I want to eat a 75% plant diet. With no added fats except for avocado. And as vegan as possible. We have a small stock pile of meat so I will use that up but I will eat a small portion of it. 

I lost sight of my fitness goals this last year. I have not exercised. But the worst part is Carmen is overweight. So I have work to do for her. She will not be called the fat one. 

So my restarting weight is 217 

2013

Its a new year. Its exciting to think of what may come this year.

Today is a good day (although I have only been awake for 30 mins and am still on my first cup of coffee)

Yesterday was a nice day too

I saw my therapist. I love her. She listens to me bitch about everything and then helps me deal with it. And this time she told me I am doing everything I can to deal with things and not to be impatient with my recovery. She is right. I need time to get better and to give things a chance to work. 

I got laid off. And I am fine with it but Sean is not. He wants me to get a full time job. If I have to I will get a full time job but the truth is that I don't need to. He makes enough that we can pay all the bills and still have about 500$ left over a month. And we paid off 2 of our 4 credit cards and only have 1 payment on the truck. Any money I made would go to entertainment most likely. So I don't understand why it bothers him so much. I want to stay home with the kids. I do not want to work more than 3 days a week. 

Starting today I am going to try a vegan diet. Not super strict. Maybe I should say vegetarian instead of vegan because I have some cheeses that I will probably not be able to stay away from. But I am going to have Rips Big Bowl for breakfast. I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought as much fruit and veggies as I wanted. We have apples, strawberries, clementines, bananas, mangos, grapes, and kiwi for snacks and sweets. I got a ton of food for the diet and I spent 148$ for the whole week. And that includes 20$ worth of  bread, crackers and cheeses for dinner last night. I may have gone a little crazy. But I have gained almost 25 lbs back. I hate that. I am sliding back into bad habits. The way I have been eating I feel sluggish. I know everyone says that but I can't poo properly when I haven't been eating my veggies.  

I am excited about this year. I have better health. Better finances. Its going to be a good year.

I am going to take things 1 day at a time and take a step back to give myself time to deal with things. I am not going to make any resolutions. I am just going to live.