Recovery

I am at a point in my recovery (from depression) where I am scared to move forward

I work really hard to feel better and it starts working but then I get scared that something is going to happen and I kind of give up and slide backwards

The major players in my depression are lack of sleep, feeling sorry for myself and, fear

Its almost like I am afraid to feel better because I know it wont last

That sucks

And its not true

I can feel better and it can last

But so far it hasn't

So its scary

But I will get past this

I just have to keep trying

Just a little every day

Source

Randomness

Yesterday I was reading Ami and I realized that using a colored font would make me happy. I don't know why I stopped doing it. So Thank you Ami. For the font happiness and the laughs.

I am still feeling much better. Yesterday at my therapy appointment I scored in the mild depression category. I can't tell you the last time I was mildly depressed. I will take it! I slept terrible last night so today I am not feeling too hot but I am still feeling better than before CSU. At my therapy appt we spent the whole time talking about MIL. She asked if we could limit our time with MIL and I said not really because of the kids. So she said to give her as little information as possible. She said when MIL is grilling me to ask why she needs to know. She also made me feel good because she said I am doing good on dealing with her. And to keep up what I am doing. Just try to do it in whatever way will take the least toll on me. Now I know that it is not just me. 

Where I've Been

I know you guys can't tell I've been gone but I was gone for 4 days. I was in a Crisis Stabilization Unit. It was a nicer version of a mental hospital. (BTW They put me in there under a protective order so I can never buy a gun for the rest of my life) I went to see my therapist and she asked if I would consider it. I was so tired of feeling depressed that I said yes. So 8 hours later I ended up in the back of a police vehicle in shackles being driven 2 hours away. 

That was the worst part. I was pretty angry that they shackled me because I volunteered to do it and I had never been in handcuffs before, forget shackles. And the first night was hard but after that I was glad that I was there. It was just like any hospital except you can get up and do stuff (with supervision) but you can't go to the bathroom without having someone unlock the door. I think I was the least crazy person there. They changed my meds and I definitely feel better. I think I have a better perspective on reality. Hearing everyone else's stories, I realize my life is really good. I may get down on myself that we don't own our own home and that we have debt.  But those are dumb things to be depressed about. The others there had real issues. One lady had lost 4 babies by the age of 25. She was there for drugs. Another woman was there because her boyfriend cheated on her and left her without saying a single thing. She was so crushed. There was an older man there who reminded me of my Papa. He had hairy arms and a bald head just like my papa. He was super crazy but I still wanted to hug him ( I didn't) He was a little scary. He was telling me he knew that one of the nurses had killed more people than he could count. My roommate had such severe anxiety she only said 2 intelligible words to me. She would only get out of bed if someone made her. Most of the people there had hurt themselves or tried to kill themselves. 

In all of the therapy sessions the kept saying recovery is 30% meds 30% therapy and 40% willingness. I am there. I want to up my therapy sessions. At least for a few weeks. My mom will be in town so she will watch my babies for me. They also said a lot about poor poor me syndrome. I told my dad he is never allowed to tell me that but that I realized I need to stop pitying myself. 

I feel (and hope) that this is a changing point of my life for me.    

Also I got to rest and I didn't have to cook or clean and I got to pee alone. It was so nice. I think I really needed that. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I know I will. 

Therapy

So yesterday I had a therapy session and the therapist asked me why I can't cry. Because I cry every time I go to her office. I hate it. I told her how private I am. And then I told her how my mom would keep doing what ever it was she was doing until she made you cry and then she was happy. I had several small breakthroughs. I don't like talking about those things because they bring up feelings that I don't need to remember but if it helps me to be happy I am willing to go there. 

I feel so cliche. Everything I say and do in there and how I feel. I bet therapists get so sick of hearing the exact same thing. 

"I dont want you to think bad of my parents/mate"  

All of it. 

Its awkward for me so I am going to call my therapist Nancy from now on. 

Nancy did say she thinks I am "hyper vigilant" with my emotions. I am not sure what that means.

I am excited to be in therapy. I want to get better so much. I am willing to do anything. And the short period of time I was not depressed I had a friend who was basically being my therapist. 

At this moment I wish I were someone else but I am working on that. 

I also understand better why I cannot handle criticism. 

We had to have the house perfectly clean and one time when I cleaned my moms bathroom I missed a leaf from a plant. She said that all the work I did was for nothing because I had miss that one tiny thing. So when someone says you did great except for this one thing I hear so your work means nothing. 

I knew that was how I felt but now I understand it better.

I know this post is crazy but you should be in here with me.   

So much win

So I had an appointment with my Dr today

Turns out I am severely depressed again

I guess thats why I have had nothing to say on here

One good thing about my appointment was I got a prescription for trazadone 

YESSSS!

I am excited for tonight

I am not sleeping good at all

Today was the kids first day at "school"

We are putting them in daycare 2 days a month starting today

Freaking awesome!

I have a lot to do today 

I am going to do my best

THe only things I have to do are working and grocery shopping

I am going to get started

I want time to do nothing at some point today

Oh that's why

I found out on tuesday that my dad's heart has shown no improvement even though more of it is moving than before his procedures.

Yesterday and today have been super shitty days

I was a little scared by the thoughts I was having today when I realized why I was having them

I will try to ride this out

But I am not sure how.

The only thing I can think to do is eat cake, but sadly I do not have any

I am trying to see if Jim Beam will do the trick but probably not

I may have to go on a midnight cake run

I am so tired

I wish I could pull a sleeping beauty and sleep for 100 years

It's been so long since i've felt ok that I am losing hope I will ever feel ok

Randomness

Sorry I have not been posting regularly.  Part of the time I am so tired I can barely function and the other half I feel good and just want to enjoy something else besides blogging. 

I saw my Dr last week and that day I was feeling great. Which is good but sucks at the same time. But I made sure I told her. She said if I dip like that again to call her. I will if I need to.

Sean started his new job over a week ago. While he will be making a lot more than he was before, because of the cut in my salary we wont really see much difference. It sucks. But if my salary goes back up then I think we will notice it more. 

Last night I got no sleep because C was sick. Fever and everything. And the night before that she just couldn't sleep. So I am running on empty today.

We started phase 1 of our diet again. I lost 6 lbs in 2 days. I know it wasn't fat that I lost but I don't care. I am not giving up.

I have to go because Cs radar kicked in and now she wants me to hold her

Its Debbie Downer again

I am having a hard time right now. We changed my meds a few weeks ago and I am thinking we are not done yet. I cannot keep up with the house. I have had several panic attacks. I am so tired I want to cry. I have a dull headache and its here to stay. The only thing I want to do is eat. I have gained 10 pounds. 

I've been working on cognitive therapy. But I am losing hope that I will get better. Life this way is not worth living. At best things are very Meh in a bad way.

I hate posting stuff like this but I need to.

Oh 1 funny thing Carmen said that made me laugh all week. I was in my pantys and a t shirt in bed and she said "look mommy has a butt crack" pointing to my where my stomach folds over. She didn't mean it in a mean way and truly its hilarious to hear her say butt crack.

The Bloggess

Well last night was interesting

I got to go but there was only standing room by the time I got there. Which was fine I really wanted to see Jenny because she reminds me to find joy in the little things and where ever you can. The part of her book that she read was ridiculously funny, of course. But when it came time to meet her I waited for about 30 minutes and then realized that if I stayed and met her I would start crying. In fact I did cry and I hadn't even met her yet. I had my own bathroom party. So when I stopped crying I went down stairs and got myself a 2$ bookmark instead of the 26$ book. I don't have a place to keep books in my tiny house and I wouldn't be able to display it anyway. I love my new book mark. And when I look at it from now on I will think of Jenny and being furiously happy. And that was the whole point for me

Afterwards we went with The ILs to dinner at Red Robin and I took a photo in the bathroom of myself because I keep forgettting to the the one from Sean.

THis is NOT a pregnancy picture. I repeat this is NOT a pregnancy picture. It's just a look how much weight I've lost picture.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with everything from last night and I cant explain it but . . . .  

Its ok.

Today I had dental work done and More is getting done tomorrow so I am going to go to bed.

Good night

Crazy and busy

Last night while I was picking up the house for the night Carmen ran over to me and said "mommy my lip" She was laughing but her top lip was SUPER puffy right in the middle. I started freaking out and laughing at the same time. She thought it was funny! Most people don't laugh when they are having an allergic reaction. I gave her a dose and a half of benedryl and it was gone in an hour. It took me forever to fall asleep after that. We think it was a reaction to our dogs flea spray. (hopefully)

My Dr changed my meds. I am on prozac (again) now and wellbutrin. Tuesday was a fantastic day but yesterday sucked. However my house is clean which is a good sign. If I care about how it looks that I know my meds are helping even if I don't really feel better. You can no longer get Wellbutrin free through the company so I am getting mine from a canadian online pharmacy for WAY less than any of the pharmacys in my area. A months supply here would cost me 140 but I am getting 3 months for 76$ including shipping. I researched how to not get scammed and so far its working. Sean can get 3 months supply for him for 45$ 

Right now the money really matters. My salary just got cut in half. And my salary is a third of our income. We implemented a budget last month (luckily) that is working for us and while it will be really tight I think we are going to make it. And hopefully I can make a little side money with reflexology.

We finally got to celebrate our 7th anniversary last weekend. We had gotten a gift certificate to the restaurant we got married at. The food was so good I couldn't hear what Sean was saying to me. Then we went and got frozen yogurt and went to home depot and the dollar store. We went out at 5 and were home by 8 exhausted and ready for bed. We are such an old couple. 

I should probably go cook breakfast for the kids

Same old same old

Nothing new here. It;s all the same Yada yada. Dad is staring his mortality in the face. Money sucks. 

Still excited that I am a size 16.  

I am starting a reflexology business and that is a bit exciting. I have been studying reflexology for 12 years and I really love it. I did it for a friend last week as a trial session to see how it would go and it was relaxing for me too.

Last weekend my aunt came and got Carmen for the weekend. They left on friday and Louis was super pissed that he didn't get to go. He threw a 20 minute tantrum. But on tuesday when my mom and dad picked up Carmen for me she and Louis were so happy to see each other. They screamed and ran to each other. THey kept hugging and it was adorable.

I just realized something. I am not enjoying being a mom right now. That makes me cry. I wanted a family of my own since i was a very small child.

I followed this link to an article about seizing the day and enjoying your kids. It was written by a mom who was having a hard time. She said every time shes out of the house someone stops her to tell her to enjoy every second because it goes so fast.

I want to.

I want to be enjoying this time with my babies but the truth is I'm not. I am so tired I will let them do anything just so I can have 10 minutes to myself. I let them eat all over the house so I can get away from them. I will let them eat in my bed so I can go to the living room and have a moment.

(i am crying so hard I am blowing snot bubbles)

I know I am doing the best I can. And that I am suffering from major depression right now and its not my fault. But I feel like it is. I know I am going to look back and regret missing out on this time and enjoying it, but I can't. I am useing all my energy making sure they are fed and i am not abusing them. 

Right now I kind of feel like life is passing me by. I am not really participating. If it were just my life it wouldn't matter but its theirs too. 

Damn

Sweet man

I was having a really awful day today until my hubby got home. I guess he could see it on my face. He helped me get them to bed and then he asked if I wanted to talk about it. He told me I can have some alone time tomorrow if I want. It made me feel better just to hear him say it. Also he said that hes noticed that whenever my new cycle starts I get depressed. He might be right. If he is it makes me feel a lot better. It doesn't mean I am not getting better. It just means once a month I will dip. I will have to talk to my Dr. about it. 

Also I found a favorite new show.  Tera. 

I researched getting a hotel room for the weekend so I could be alone and sleep. But its not in the budget for the month. We are having to really stick to our budget. There is a bunch of extra stuff coming up this month and next. Dr appts and such. 

I am working on a low carb sugar free cake. Its ok now so I am going to work on it and when its awesome I will share. 

I am going to take some tylenol and ib profen and watch tera. 

Good night

Its over

Today my dad goes in for the second surgery. I was hoping it would be easier for me, but its not. I am having a very hard time with this. I just got a text that the surgery is an hour earlier than it was supposed to be and my mother in law is not here yet. 

I want this to be over.

I am giving myself a free pass today. Do not be surprised if I tell you I gained back another 10 lbs. 

I feel mad at my dad for making me go through this. He preaches take care of your health but here we are 10 years after a quadruple bypass.

I was unable to finish this post this morning when I started it and its now almost over. My dad did great. I did okay. I am hoping that the nagging feeling of doom I have been having will go away now. It seems that the second surgery is always better than the first and recovery is too. 

Thank god this day is over

Tomorrow is all about relaxing and recovering for me

My parents are moving to a hotel tomorrow so my dad can rest without temptation.  If I could sleep all day tomorrow I would but alas. Not gonna happen. 

The other day Sean was telling me about some vacation he wanted to go on with his dad and I told him that it is my turn to go on a vacation by myself. He asked me where I wanted to go. At first I was thinking I don't want to go anywhere but then I thought about a scene from the movie The Divine Secret Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood where Ashley Judds character  has a break down and wakes up in a hotel days later. I have always wanted to do that. Just take me time, Not have a break down. So anyway I told Sean I wanted to go to a hotel and sleep for 2 days. I don't care where but I want to sleep and be alone.

I am going to eat some sugar free low carb ice cream and dark chocolate and take a shower and sleep (hopefully)

Good night