Only a little dead

I am finally feeling better!

Today I didn't want to die from this stupid cold

I am not completely better but I now have the hope that I will one day soon be better

Tomorrow we are going to the ILs house to spend the day. I am working on how to respond to MIL with jokes. I am working on the best way for me. I am not good at this. I don't like having to plan out how to talk to family. It shouldn't be like this. It should be easy. But that is not the truth. This is how it is, so this is how it should be. That is a principle of CBT. 

Anyway hopefully I will be successful and will have some funny stories to tell you sunday. 

The sickies

Well Sean is home for the holidays but we are all sick

At least we are sick together

Lots of snuggles and tissues and movies

And its cold today. I love the cold

I have on a comfy tee and the softest pants. I am drinking coffee for the first time this week. Its a big deal when I am too sick to drink coffee. It doesn't taste right yet but its still good

The only bad thing is that 1 or both kids want me at all times. Carmen was crying because Louis wanted to snuggle with us and she didn't want her daddy. I am thinking I should have a talk with her daddy.

At my last Dr appt we upped my meds. I am feeling a little lost in this recovery process. I feel better than I did before CSU but I am not feeling as good as I was right after. And I am having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself. At least now I am aware of it but I don't know what to tell myself to stop it. I know what I will be talking about at my next appointment with Nancy. Hopefully I can go to group this coming week. I have been sick pretty much the whole time since I upped my meds. Today I am finally feeling better and I feel pretty good mentally. Tired but good. And that tired is earned. I have not slept more than a 4 hour stretch at a time for 2 weeks.

It looks like I will have my job through January. So that means 1 more month of daycare. 

I have a mess to clean up though. I am going to need it. I hope I get it taken care of before Dad finds out about it. Speaking of I have some work that needs to be finished so 

Ciao

Amber

Sadness

I am sad today. I am doing my best to not think about all of the dead babies. 

Its so hard to understand

I don't think you can truly understand things like this

But it's bad for my mental health so I am going to unplug

At least for today

Maybe longer

I pray for those mothers and fathers

So Random

Today I am feeling lonely and sad

Most likely caused by both my goobs being sick and the lack of sleep that has caused

I got NO sleep last night

I dreamed that I had a bunch of ugly tattoos all over me that I had no idea how I got them.

I was freaking out. I was asking everyone I know if they knew anything

It did not result in restful sleep. Though I was really relieved to learn it was only a dream when I woke up

I am feeling the need to medicate myself with food. I can't stop thinking about chicken nuggets and cookies. 

This morning before he left Sean rubbed my back for a few seconds. It was awesome. Will probably be the best part of the whole day. Only 1 more week til hes off work for christmas. I can't wait!

Brain Vomit

My Carmen is sick. Again.

She vomited on me today. Again.

It was pretty bad. 

Hopefully she wont piss her bed or puke in it tonight and we can all get some sleep. 

Hopefully

I had to cancel daycare and 1 of my Dr appts tomorrow. I am disappointed. I love getting to complain about things and getting good ideas of how to deal with it. 

I am going to my med Dr tomorrow. I am hoping she will up my meds. Or prescribe Abilify.

I had a pukey day so I am having crap for dinner. Cottage cheese with fritos and oreos.

This afternoon Louis went pee and he made me wipe his peter. When he put it away he said "bye bye" and then "I said bye bye to my nate (snake)".

Made me laugh

Love that goob.

So Random

Last night I fell asleep by 9 so today I am feeling better. Not getting enough sleep takes a big toll on me. I am sitting on the front porch listening to the symphony and drinking coffee. I am in heaven. The squirrdles (Louis calls the squirrels squirrdles and now I do too)  really crack me up.

I am pretty worried that MIL found my blog. Because Sean pinned a recipe I had here. Its stressing me out. I don't know what to do. I am thinking about writing an open letter to her. Because I love my MIL. I have some issues but that doesn't change that she is family. I have very similar issues with my own mother. They are just easier to handle because she lives 6 hours away. 

The last 2 days I have not been feeling as well. I missed a night of sleep and it threw me off. Hopefully last night will help and I will feel better again. I keep thinking about the hospital were I was. How nice it was to rest and take naps. And to take a technology break. I LOVE my phone and computer too much. I spend way too much time on them. Not doing anything useful. I read blogs (i am not going to stop doing that) and facebook and that sort of thing. It seems like I am either on my computer or my phone all day.  I am going to have a turn it off rule. And a go outside rule. 

Oh I forgot to update everyone (or maybe not). Daycare went GREAT. They both asked if they could go back. Um yes please. So now I have options. And when I need a break I can just call Ms B. Who is delightful. 

We are having family time right now so I have to go. 

Randomness

Yesterday I was reading Ami and I realized that using a colored font would make me happy. I don't know why I stopped doing it. So Thank you Ami. For the font happiness and the laughs.

I am still feeling much better. Yesterday at my therapy appointment I scored in the mild depression category. I can't tell you the last time I was mildly depressed. I will take it! I slept terrible last night so today I am not feeling too hot but I am still feeling better than before CSU. At my therapy appt we spent the whole time talking about MIL. She asked if we could limit our time with MIL and I said not really because of the kids. So she said to give her as little information as possible. She said when MIL is grilling me to ask why she needs to know. She also made me feel good because she said I am doing good on dealing with her. And to keep up what I am doing. Just try to do it in whatever way will take the least toll on me. Now I know that it is not just me. 

Where I've Been

I know you guys can't tell I've been gone but I was gone for 4 days. I was in a Crisis Stabilization Unit. It was a nicer version of a mental hospital. (BTW They put me in there under a protective order so I can never buy a gun for the rest of my life) I went to see my therapist and she asked if I would consider it. I was so tired of feeling depressed that I said yes. So 8 hours later I ended up in the back of a police vehicle in shackles being driven 2 hours away. 

That was the worst part. I was pretty angry that they shackled me because I volunteered to do it and I had never been in handcuffs before, forget shackles. And the first night was hard but after that I was glad that I was there. It was just like any hospital except you can get up and do stuff (with supervision) but you can't go to the bathroom without having someone unlock the door. I think I was the least crazy person there. They changed my meds and I definitely feel better. I think I have a better perspective on reality. Hearing everyone else's stories, I realize my life is really good. I may get down on myself that we don't own our own home and that we have debt.  But those are dumb things to be depressed about. The others there had real issues. One lady had lost 4 babies by the age of 25. She was there for drugs. Another woman was there because her boyfriend cheated on her and left her without saying a single thing. She was so crushed. There was an older man there who reminded me of my Papa. He had hairy arms and a bald head just like my papa. He was super crazy but I still wanted to hug him ( I didn't) He was a little scary. He was telling me he knew that one of the nurses had killed more people than he could count. My roommate had such severe anxiety she only said 2 intelligible words to me. She would only get out of bed if someone made her. Most of the people there had hurt themselves or tried to kill themselves. 

In all of the therapy sessions the kept saying recovery is 30% meds 30% therapy and 40% willingness. I am there. I want to up my therapy sessions. At least for a few weeks. My mom will be in town so she will watch my babies for me. They also said a lot about poor poor me syndrome. I told my dad he is never allowed to tell me that but that I realized I need to stop pitying myself. 

I feel (and hope) that this is a changing point of my life for me.    

Also I got to rest and I didn't have to cook or clean and I got to pee alone. It was so nice. I think I really needed that. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I know I will. 

a conundrum

I have a question that I need a little help with but I have to give you some backstory first

As you guys know (maybe) I have severe depression and have not been doing well for a long time. 

I NEED a break so I can get stuff done and have a few moments to myself

Also I need to work without the goobs being around. Case in point just now carmen came in and it took me 5 minutes and a bunch of red squiggly lines to get that sentence typed

Anyway MIL says I can just ask her for help but when I do she doesn't want to. 

I asked her to let me bring the kids to her and let me work in their office for an hour or two uninterrupted so I could get some end of the year stuff done. She got obviously annoyed with me and said "thats why I take one of the kids each week. To give you a whole 24 hour break" 

Honestly this really upset me because I am so damned if I do damned if I don't with her.

This is a once a year thing. And I don't want her to help me if she doesn't want to do it. 

So anyway after a serious talk last night and many tears Sean and I decided to put the kids in daycare 1 day a week for the sake of my mental health. An added benefit is that we don't need to rely on MIL. But I know that she is going to ask why I don't want her help on thursday and here is where I need help from other people. I don't know how to tell her nicely that we are putting them in daycare and don't want her opinions "input" (ever notice that the people with the most opinions don't usually have much worth considering? I think its because you get so used to hearing things like "did you know that the sky is blue" that you don't even listen anymore) I have to set some boundaries with her. 

I do not want to hear again how you have to be real careful because their little self esteem is so easily destroyed. And that they had to learn the hard way.  I am doing research on this daycare and if I do not feel comfortable I won't leave them. 

I want to tell her its none of her business without say that. She is super sensitive so its going to hurt her feelings no matter what I say but I need to say it anyway as nicely as possible.

If anyone can help me I would be so greatful.

Thanks

Amber

Carmencita

So the kids and I had to be out of the house this week so I took them to stay at my grandmothers. 

Carmen came in my room crying monday night. I got her all calmed down and asked her what was wrong. She said that she had woken up and didn't know where her home was. Then she said "but I found it now" and I got all teary eyed and squeezed her alittle and then she said "See,  my phone"

I had bought her a pink princess phone on monday. 

guess I know where I stand

Milisims

So yesterday MIL kept me on the phone for a very long time telling me I needed to take the kids to see a dr because they have runny noses. She told me that FIL had a stinky pussy discharge from his ear for years and did nothing about it and now he is deaf in that ear. And because of that I need to make sure that my kids don't have an infection. And that they needed some kind of written asthma plan. 

I have an asthma action plan. I am quite sure that their asthma is considered controlled and mild. Right now I have allergys so its pretty normal that they do too. 

She also told me that I "don't know everything" That she knows all these things from experience and from other mothers.  She didn't mean it in the way it sounds but it is still annoying and keeps repeating in my head. 

I want to get this out so I can be around her this weekend and not be super annoyed by her because I know that we are going to end up doing something. 

It would be a lot easier if she would not try to give me every piece of advice that she has ever heard. 

Therapy

So yesterday I had a therapy session and the therapist asked me why I can't cry. Because I cry every time I go to her office. I hate it. I told her how private I am. And then I told her how my mom would keep doing what ever it was she was doing until she made you cry and then she was happy. I had several small breakthroughs. I don't like talking about those things because they bring up feelings that I don't need to remember but if it helps me to be happy I am willing to go there. 

I feel so cliche. Everything I say and do in there and how I feel. I bet therapists get so sick of hearing the exact same thing. 

"I dont want you to think bad of my parents/mate"  

All of it. 

Its awkward for me so I am going to call my therapist Nancy from now on. 

Nancy did say she thinks I am "hyper vigilant" with my emotions. I am not sure what that means.

I am excited to be in therapy. I want to get better so much. I am willing to do anything. And the short period of time I was not depressed I had a friend who was basically being my therapist. 

At this moment I wish I were someone else but I am working on that. 

I also understand better why I cannot handle criticism. 

We had to have the house perfectly clean and one time when I cleaned my moms bathroom I missed a leaf from a plant. She said that all the work I did was for nothing because I had miss that one tiny thing. So when someone says you did great except for this one thing I hear so your work means nothing. 

I knew that was how I felt but now I understand it better.

I know this post is crazy but you should be in here with me.   

Labor day weekend

This weekend was eventful and productive, and also a little stressful.

At 3 in the morning on Saturday I got up to put my son back in his own bed and stepped in 2 inches of water. It flooded every room in the house except for some unknown reason the kids room. At 3:30 Sean went and got a shop vac so we could suck up all the water. When we did as much as we could we called Sean's parents and asked if we could take the kids over there. We left our house about 6. AM.  When we got home we cleaned out our room and started going through everything. The new water heater got put in and we had to go get Sean's parents gift. It was their anniversary and we got them a new set of pots. They were super nice. Sunday I could not get myself up until after 9:30. I was SOOOO tired. Sean and I came back to our house in the after noon and started cleaning everything and putting stuff away. We got the house sooooo clean. It feels brand new. And we managed to get it all done without 1 fight or even snapping at each other. It was good for our marriage and we spent the whole time together being productive. It was almost,  as everyone has told me a blessing in disguise. Dare I say I even enjoyed it. The worst thing that happened was I fried a roku when I put every thing back together. But it looks like that one is going to be replaced for free. So it wasnt so bad. And all things considered it was great. I didn't freak out or break down. 

It will probably take a while to catch up on sleep and all but I am not unhappy with it all.

But the kids are sick AGAIN. And this is a special week. Looks like I will be phoning in all week. I may have to take L to the Dr. I hate doing it because they can't really do anything. But he is wheezing a little bit. 

I am going to make mac and cheese for dinner tonight so I better go. 

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Low Carb Sugar Free

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 Tbls Butter (or coconut oil)

1/4 cup sugar free syrup

1 cup splenda

3/4 cup fat free greek yogurt

2 eggs

3/4 tsp salt

1.5 tsp baking soda

1/2 cup coconut flour

1/2 cup garbanzo bean flour

3/4 cup oatmeal

1 cup chocolate chips

Cream first 4 ingredients together then add eggs. Then add next 5 ingredients. After well mixed add chocolate chips. If too wet add more oatmeal. If too dry add more greek yogurt. 

Bake at 375 for 15 mins

Shepherds Pie

Shepherds Pie

(sorry no pic)

I had been craving shepherds pie so I googled some recipes and then used what I had

So here it goes

1 lb bag frozen cauliflower

1 lb ground meat (I used half but wont next time)

1 small onion chopped

1 bag frozen green beans

1 fresh zucchini chopped

4 large cloves garlic

1 can tomato paste

2 tbls Worcestershire sauce 

paprika

1/2 cup broth

S&P

1 cup cheese

Cook cauliflower till soft then puree (Dress them like mashed potatoes)

Saute onion and other veggies with 1/2 of the garlic and 1/2 of the Worcestershire sauce

when soft set aside and cook ground meat with the rest of the garlic and worcestershire sauce and paprika. when no longer pink add broth and tomato paste and veggies back in pan. simmer for 15 or 20 minutes. 

Then pour into casserole dish, top with cauliflower and cheese on the top. Bake until hot all the way through and cheese on top is melted at 350. 

If you make it and it looks awesome can you send me a pic? Please

Best Beans You've Ever Had

(Hey look a picture

Believe it or not these really are

The Best Beans You've Ever Had

1 Lb pinto beans

1 onion chopped

1/2 cup tomato chopped

1 jalapeno pepper (whole or chopped)

S&P

2 tbls chili powder

1 tbls cumin

3 large cloves garlic minced
6 cups water

Rinse beans well and dump into crock pot with all ingredients. Cook on high 8 hours (overnight). 

Note: Use what you have. Sometimes I leave ingredients out because I don't have them. But I do not recommend using canned anything. I have used this recipe with black beans and black eyed peas. 

Family Pics

So for our anniversary we had our pics taken. 

It took a long time to get the pics in but

OMG IT WAS SO WORTH IT

I thought the session went really bad. In fact I think I was crying because I had such high hopes

So last night when I finally looked at them I cried again

Because they were awesome!

With no further ado (hope you don't mind the overload)

Our family 2012

It was so hard not to post every pic but I cut it down from 72 

Italian Bean Soup

Italian Bean Soup

1 lb white beans

1 onion

1/2 lb ground meat or ground sausage

1 large can crushed tomatoes

1 lb spinach

italian seasoning

Garlic

S & P

Brown onions with 2 tbls italian seasoning in large pot. When they are done add ground meat and garlic. Rinse beans (i like northern beans but any white bean will do) and add to pot. Add 6 cups of water 2 more tbls of italian seasoning tomatoes and spinach. Bring to a boil and then simmer till beans are done. Usually between 2 and 3 hours. 

Healthy Chili

Again no Pic

Sorry

I am really bad at taking pics at all but worse at taking pics of food

Healthy Chili

1 chopped onion

1 chopped bell pepper

1 chopped zucchini

1/2 lb turkey sausage

1 large can of tomato sauce

1 large can of crushed tomatoes 

1 can tomato paste

1 can beans (I like black or red beans best)

1 can corn (optional)

Chili powder

cumin

salt & pepper

4 cloves of garlic

Cook onion bell pepper and zucchini with 2 tbls chili powder and 1 tbs cumin in a stock pot or dutch oven until they start turning translucent. Add sausage and garlic *I use a lot of garlic but you can use what tastes good to you* When the meat is cooked add all the cans and s & p and more chili powder and cumin *same measurements. Keep on medium heat until it starts to boil then let it simmer as long as possible. At least an hour. Then serve with cheese or sour cream. 

Broccoli Cheese Quinoa casserole

I am posting this for a friend

And so I can ziplist it

Broccoli Cheese Quinoa Casserole

I don't have an awesome pic to post with this (unless I steal one) because most often my food looks bad but tastes great. I am ok with that.

2 Cups cooked quinoa

4 cups cooked broccoli

1 1/2 cups fat free greek yogurt

2 cups cheese 

(Note: you can change recipe as wanted/needed)

Add everything together adding more yogurt if not wet enough. Put into baking dish (13x9) and sprinkle with cheese. Cook at 350 until hot.

To add extra flavor you can add cream of anything soup or a dry seasoning packet. I added Ranch seasoning once and it was really good.

Its really good!

So much win

So I had an appointment with my Dr today

Turns out I am severely depressed again

I guess thats why I have had nothing to say on here

One good thing about my appointment was I got a prescription for trazadone 

YESSSS!

I am excited for tonight

I am not sleeping good at all

Today was the kids first day at "school"

We are putting them in daycare 2 days a month starting today

Freaking awesome!

I have a lot to do today 

I am going to do my best

THe only things I have to do are working and grocery shopping

I am going to get started

I want time to do nothing at some point today

Oh that's why

I found out on tuesday that my dad's heart has shown no improvement even though more of it is moving than before his procedures.

Yesterday and today have been super shitty days

I was a little scared by the thoughts I was having today when I realized why I was having them

I will try to ride this out

But I am not sure how.

The only thing I can think to do is eat cake, but sadly I do not have any

I am trying to see if Jim Beam will do the trick but probably not

I may have to go on a midnight cake run

I am so tired

I wish I could pull a sleeping beauty and sleep for 100 years

It's been so long since i've felt ok that I am losing hope I will ever feel ok

Pic

I am posting this pic today because another blogger who had twins posted a blog today about how giant her belly was. And it was GIANT. Because she said singleton bellies are not as big as twin bellies. I would agree with this except for this:

That is 1 9lb 2oz baby in there.

That is pretty damn big!

Poop

Today for the first time Louis went poo poo in the potty

I cannot tell you now excited I am. This is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I am that much closer to only cleaning up my poo.

I have cleaned up so much poop in the last 3 almost 4 years.

A lot of it has been documented here but not all of it.

We have been potty training hardcore for a while now. He is a pro at peeing on the potty but until today he had not been able to poo on the potty. I knew I would just have to wait him out so today when he asked me for a diaper I knew the time was here. So I said no and asked if he wanted to go to the potty. It took over an hour and then he disappeared from my room. Carmen yelled from the kitchen that Louie had pooped. It was such a tiny poo I knew he still had to go. So I picked him up and put him on the potty really fast. Before I could clean up his turd Carmen had to step in it. That sucked. But I had to leave Louis alone to clean the floor and Carmen. I left him alone for a few minutes and He started yelling "I go poo poo" over and over so I went in and by golly he had. I am so excited about it.

I know we still have a little work left but we are over the hump.

And one day much closer in the future than before I will only have to wipe my own butt

Randomness

Sorry I have not been posting regularly.  Part of the time I am so tired I can barely function and the other half I feel good and just want to enjoy something else besides blogging. 

I saw my Dr last week and that day I was feeling great. Which is good but sucks at the same time. But I made sure I told her. She said if I dip like that again to call her. I will if I need to.

Sean started his new job over a week ago. While he will be making a lot more than he was before, because of the cut in my salary we wont really see much difference. It sucks. But if my salary goes back up then I think we will notice it more. 

Last night I got no sleep because C was sick. Fever and everything. And the night before that she just couldn't sleep. So I am running on empty today.

We started phase 1 of our diet again. I lost 6 lbs in 2 days. I know it wasn't fat that I lost but I don't care. I am not giving up.

I have to go because Cs radar kicked in and now she wants me to hold her

Its Debbie Downer again

I am having a hard time right now. We changed my meds a few weeks ago and I am thinking we are not done yet. I cannot keep up with the house. I have had several panic attacks. I am so tired I want to cry. I have a dull headache and its here to stay. The only thing I want to do is eat. I have gained 10 pounds. 

I've been working on cognitive therapy. But I am losing hope that I will get better. Life this way is not worth living. At best things are very Meh in a bad way.

I hate posting stuff like this but I need to.

Oh 1 funny thing Carmen said that made me laugh all week. I was in my pantys and a t shirt in bed and she said "look mommy has a butt crack" pointing to my where my stomach folds over. She didn't mean it in a mean way and truly its hilarious to hear her say butt crack.

A small accomplishment

I wore a regular bathing suit today for the first time in almost 7 years. I felt very self conscience. But I said to hell with those homeless freaks I've lost 60 pounds and I'm never going to see them again. So I took off my shorts and walked around in just the bathing suit. 

I missed it. The longer bathing suits are not as free in the water. 

I am a little proud of myself.

Changes

My babies are sick and I think I am getting it too. It could just be exhaustion catching up with me. Or the change in meds still. I am so nauseous. And my allergys are pretty bad today. I have a headache.

I have been discouraged with my dieting lately. But I think I just found the cure. Forks Over Knives. I am going to buy the cookbook and work on living this lifestyle. I don't think I can do without cheese but I can cut back. The only dairy we eat now is yogurt, cheese and sometimes Ice Cream. I am tired of not having any energy. Last night I got some alone time. I went to the health food store and hobby lobby and then got stuff from the grocery store. I was thinking about what I could do for myself everyday. I started remembering how I used to ride my bike every day and how much I loved it. I think I am going to ask Sean to let me go for a bike ride every day for at least 30 min when he gets home from work. Because I went and did my errands yesterday and came home and he still had time to go fishing for a while. It is really hard for me to take the kids out with the bike trailer. I can do 1 kid with no problem but the second kid gets really hard. The other option is having Carmen ride her little bike. But I don't get the mind clearing exercise with that. It is so difficult to think that if I eat better I will feel better and may even get healthier. But what I am doing now is not working. I am stuck in the mire. I am tired ALL THE TIME.
And I am tired of it.

Carmencita

Lately when you ask Carmen what shes doing she says "anything"

It really cracks me up. I try not to laugh but sometimes I can't help it and then she will ask "why are you laughing"

We got her a fish. A beta named Bernie. I have no idea where the name came from but I like it. She has tried to feed him sunflower seeds, a muffin, milk and juice so far. Its only been 2 days.

She is sick right now and keeps telling me she needs to go to the Dr to get the eggs out of her throat. I am pretty sure her Mimi told her that.

The Bloggess

Well last night was interesting

I got to go but there was only standing room by the time I got there. Which was fine I really wanted to see Jenny because she reminds me to find joy in the little things and where ever you can. The part of her book that she read was ridiculously funny, of course. But when it came time to meet her I waited for about 30 minutes and then realized that if I stayed and met her I would start crying. In fact I did cry and I hadn't even met her yet. I had my own bathroom party. So when I stopped crying I went down stairs and got myself a 2$ bookmark instead of the 26$ book. I don't have a place to keep books in my tiny house and I wouldn't be able to display it anyway. I love my new book mark. And when I look at it from now on I will think of Jenny and being furiously happy. And that was the whole point for me

Afterwards we went with The ILs to dinner at Red Robin and I took a photo in the bathroom of myself because I keep forgettting to the the one from Sean.

THis is NOT a pregnancy picture. I repeat this is NOT a pregnancy picture. It's just a look how much weight I've lost picture.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with everything from last night and I cant explain it but . . . .  

Its ok.

Today I had dental work done and More is getting done tomorrow so I am going to go to bed.

Good night

Shorty

I am going to go see The Bloggess today and I really wish I had a small taxidermy-ed animal that died of natural causes to bring with.  I just know that Jenny and I should be best friends. I really love the furiously happy thing she is. 

Also last night I saw The Lucky One. It was ok. I thought it was going to be better but the notebook it was not. 

30

Well yesterday was my birthday. I am now in my 30s. A lot of people go off on how old they are and what not but I don't feel any older. I believe that your 30s are the best years of your life. My 20s were definitely better than my childhood and teens so hopefully life will keep getting better with each decade. 

But yesterday I was in such a bad mood and so were the kids. I had to work and they would not let me. I ended up locking them out of the office just so I could finish. Then I took them out of the house because I had a bunch of errands to run.I had to return the cable box and get an oil change and inspection. So we dropped off the car at a little place that did both and went to lunch. I think Carmen is trying to kill me because twice she stopped in the middle of a busy parking lot entrance and threw a major fit. I ended up grabbing her arm and carrying her to safety. I was pretty upset with her. But I still managed to get a lot done despite her being a pill. When we got home she and Louie took a nap and I cleaned the house and listened to music and embroidered. And when Sean got home from work we went to a restaurant and had margaritas and nachos. The kids played on the playground of doom at the restaurant. But the day ended well and that is pretty much all you can ask for.

Sean took some pictures of me that show I've lost a lot of weight but they are not on my phone so I can't add them to this post. Sorry.

I looked for a 30 themed picture to post instead but I like this the most

Carmencita

Sean told me the best story about Carmen.

Sean told me that he was bribing Carmen to clean up around the house with M&Ms. She came over to tell him she picked up the living room and he told her there were still a few things to pick up before she could have more. She said "god dang it" and her shoulders drooped. 

Today Sean decided to take us fishing. The kids have their own poles. So he spent the whole time fishing with Carmens tiny pink and purple barbie pole. That was funny enough. But, he was using worms as bait and when Carmen found them she got so excited. She was no longer interested in fishing and only wanted to play with them. Then Sean used all but the last one and Carmen claimed it as her pet. She named it Dora and was very upset that Dora couldn't come into the house. She put leaves and grass into the little box the worm came in and arranged everything just right. It was very cute. She LOVES animals and bugs. At her Mimi's house she loves collecting "beetles" and insisted we take some home with us the last time we were there.
At the park there was a tiny puppy she kept picking up and would not leave it alone.

I love her.
I have decided to glue an envelope into her baby book so I can write her letters. I want her to know no matter what that I love her more than anything in the world. I hope we always stay friends. 

She was painting this morning. One of her favorite things ever. And she said " Look Mommy C for Carmen" and then she added one for me and one for Louie. 

Crazy and busy

Last night while I was picking up the house for the night Carmen ran over to me and said "mommy my lip" She was laughing but her top lip was SUPER puffy right in the middle. I started freaking out and laughing at the same time. She thought it was funny! Most people don't laugh when they are having an allergic reaction. I gave her a dose and a half of benedryl and it was gone in an hour. It took me forever to fall asleep after that. We think it was a reaction to our dogs flea spray. (hopefully)

My Dr changed my meds. I am on prozac (again) now and wellbutrin. Tuesday was a fantastic day but yesterday sucked. However my house is clean which is a good sign. If I care about how it looks that I know my meds are helping even if I don't really feel better. You can no longer get Wellbutrin free through the company so I am getting mine from a canadian online pharmacy for WAY less than any of the pharmacys in my area. A months supply here would cost me 140 but I am getting 3 months for 76$ including shipping. I researched how to not get scammed and so far its working. Sean can get 3 months supply for him for 45$ 

Right now the money really matters. My salary just got cut in half. And my salary is a third of our income. We implemented a budget last month (luckily) that is working for us and while it will be really tight I think we are going to make it. And hopefully I can make a little side money with reflexology.

We finally got to celebrate our 7th anniversary last weekend. We had gotten a gift certificate to the restaurant we got married at. The food was so good I couldn't hear what Sean was saying to me. Then we went and got frozen yogurt and went to home depot and the dollar store. We went out at 5 and were home by 8 exhausted and ready for bed. We are such an old couple. 

I should probably go cook breakfast for the kids

Same old same old

Nothing new here. It;s all the same Yada yada. Dad is staring his mortality in the face. Money sucks. 

Still excited that I am a size 16.  

I am starting a reflexology business and that is a bit exciting. I have been studying reflexology for 12 years and I really love it. I did it for a friend last week as a trial session to see how it would go and it was relaxing for me too.

Last weekend my aunt came and got Carmen for the weekend. They left on friday and Louis was super pissed that he didn't get to go. He threw a 20 minute tantrum. But on tuesday when my mom and dad picked up Carmen for me she and Louis were so happy to see each other. They screamed and ran to each other. THey kept hugging and it was adorable.

I am having a pretty good day today. I got a pedicure with a friend and then I turned an old pair of heels I had into a fuscha glitter pair of heels. Almost done with them.

I am at McDonald's with Louie so he can play. My aunt got Carmen and is keeping her until tuesday. :)

I love getting to spend alone time with my kids. One on one is so fun. Louis slept in our room last night and it made me so happy to have him there.

Is it just me or does everyone have times where they love their husbands/boyfriends more than others? I have been struggling lately with Sean but we talked the other night and I am feeling better with him. I think its more me than him though. 

Im sorry I have to go play with Louie. He just asked.



Oh and I got a new pair of jeans yesterday. . . They were a SIZE 16!!!!!!!!!
I used to be a 22

62 POUNDS

I am so excited right now. I just crossed the 60 # mark. I have now lost 62 #. It is nice to see the work I am doing. 

I didn't think it would happen

Things that make me happy

Last night we let the kids sleep on the floor in our room. I love it. I wish we could have a giant king size bed and all of us sleep together. But its probably not good for sexy time and all. I love doing things with my kids and spending time together. 

Yesterday I looked up state adoption for our state. I saw a picture of a beautiful girl around 9 I think. They don't give that much information on the kids online. In our state each parent has to have 30 hours of training. And for kids with abusive pasts you have to have more. I would have to have 50 hours of training to adopt the girl I saw but she looked like she was smiling right at me. Now is not the time for us to adopt but I wan't to have an idea of what would happen if we were able to one day. 

I told my family about it and they were all appalled. My mom told me about her great aunt that adopted a boy and he was wild and uncontrollable. SHe told me I had to protect what I already had. I know stuff like that could happen and I would not make a decision lightly. 

I love kids so much

And I feel for the ones with no family

I wish I could protect all kids like that

I know I am not a perfect mom but I am a really good one. Especially considering my childhood. 

I love so hard

Short but funny

Today I caught my dog doing horrible things to a stuffed monkey.

I kept hearing a strange noise so I peeked at him and he froze, right in the middle of humping the poor monkeys head. I rescued the monkey and gave him a bath.

I have never seen my dog hump anything but other dogs so it was a surprise.

Made me laugh

Today

Today I took the kids and my niece to story time at the library. Carmen and Louis loved it. My niece did not dance and sing like everyone else but she had a blast too. I brought home 20 books to read to them. We read several already. I want to make this a weekly thing. To get us out of the house. Because I cancelled our pass to  The happiest place on earth. I can't go as much anymore. :(

Also today I binged. Bad. And I feel very guilty about it. Not because of how much I ate but because of what I ate. Doughnuts and cookies. I have a headache now and I know its because of the massive amount of sugar I consumed. I am not used to eating sugar anymore. I still have a half gallon of ice cream and 3 doughnuts. Oh well.  Next time I will bake again instead of buying tons of crap.

I am going to try to sleep like a baby tonight.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I am going to read to the kids and straighten things up. And maybe bake bread.

I don't know what to say

I am having a hard time blogging because so much is going on right now

There is too much running through my head

Right after my sister had a baby in the bathtub my mom casually mentioned that my dad was going to be having surgery in a few days and he might be having a stint put in

It turns out that he had a heart attack sometime in the last year or so and has major damage to his heart

3 of the 4 arterys to his heart were completely blocked and the heart where those arterys attach is dead. His heart is working at under 50%. If he has any kind of heart attack he will die. 

It was pretty shocking

He was the most shocked of all. He was telling me he felt angry. He is staring his death in the face.

I still am processing everything

Excitement!

My sister had her baby last night.

We had been trying to get her to go into labor for a week

So she took castor oil last night and it did the trick

But here is where it gets crazy/amazing

She had been having mild contractions for a week

Then she took the oil yesterday and they picked up a little

At 8:30 I asked if she wanted me to come over and she said no they were alone and doing good but check back later.

I checked back later and they were picking up but she wasn't ready for me yet

I got a text from BIL at about 9:30 that said "she just told me to stop talking to her. hahahaha" 

and then "she just puked a lot"

I almost went over there but I wanted to respect her birth experience

Well I got a call at 10:20 from my other sister that the baby had been born

The pregnant sister wanted to labor at home as long as possible, but she did it a little too long

Her water broke at 10 and my BIL said "come on we need to go to the hospital get dressed" There was no way that was going to happen so he handed her his robe "here put this on" That was not going to happen either so she decided that she was going to go in just her bra and pantys and shoes. She got to the front porch and knew it wasn't going to happen at all. She ran to the closest bathroom and sat on the toiled. She had a contraction that caused her to bear down and he was starting to crown so she jumped in the bathtub. My bil came in and said "we have to go" and she said "Hes coming" bil said " no hes not, SHIT he is" so he dialed 911 and with the other hand caught the little guy. Still holding the phone in one hand and baby in the other he asked the operator "what do I do now" the operator was stuttering. I guess it doesn't happen as often in real life as it does in the movies. Anyway, the ambulance and fire truck came and took them to the hospital (which is only a mile away). As soon as I found out I threw on some clothes and told my mom and ran out the door. I got to the hospital really fast but parked on the wrong side I had to run to the other side of the hospital to the emergency door. I saw the ambulance and firetruck still there. A really hot EMT was standing against the wall and he tried to stop me. I said my sister was just brought in, she had a baby in a bath tub. He said follow me. So I did. (wouldn't you?) They took me right to her. She was shaking and bloody but doing great. She had been so scared that she was going to blow out her vagina but she had such a tiny tear the dr didn't stitch it up. She did amazing

And the little boy is perfect. 

I did not ask her if I can post his name so I won't

But he is so tiny and sweet

7.9 pounds

his head was 14 inches (1/2 an inch smaller than my niece)

His vitals were great and he nursed like a pro.

I really wanted to be there but I am so happy for my sister that I don't care. The hard part of her labor was only 1.5 hours. Last time she pushed for 3 hours and this time only 3 pushes

I am going to go over there as soon as I can

I want to hold the little guy

I am going to have a good day :)

7 years

Our anniversary is tomorrow. This is going to be the worst anniversary ever. We arranged for the kids to stay with mil but she isn't feeling well so my mom said she would take them but shes bringing them back tomorrow. And Sean has to work today. So we are going to have most of 1 day to celebrate. I do get today to myself. Thats probably going to be the nicest thing about this anniversary.

But its ok because last year was the best anniversary ever.

Oh and all of this is contingent upon if my sister goes into labor. Which could happen at any moment. She had rhythmic contractions for 5 hours yesterday before they fizzled out. 

Last year was pretty much the only time I feel we've had to really celebrate our anniversary. We have never had money to do anything before. But I hope its not another 6 years before we do something.

I am not going to throw myself a pitty party. I am going to enjoy the heck out of today and tomorrow. And spending time alone with my hubby. 

Have a wonderful weekend :)

Amber

Positive :)

Yesterday was such a good day. I got so much done and I got to do it uninterrupted. I got to do things just for me. I am feeling pretty recharged today. 

And my parents are coming in today. I haven't seen them for 2 months and I am pretty excited. I just have to clean the toilet and I will be completely ready.

I tried a new bread recipe yesterday and it was a huge success! Sean asked me to make more today. So I am making 2 more loaves today. I love baking. And I am baking whole wheat slightly low carb bread. So its a win win. Diet friendly, fun, and budget friendly. 

I am trying to get my blog looking good. But its not as easy as it sounds. Grr. I found a pic I'd really like to be my background but I don't know where it came from and am not sure if the person who took it would be ok with me using it. But I am going to go ahead and do it. If they find it and don't want me using it I will just take it down. 

I have been searching funny and sweet pictures on pinterest so I am going to try to add one to all my posts

Here is one that shows what a nerd I am

Source

Day Off

I got the day off today. I arranged for Sean to take the kids to his parents for the day. 

I had the best day.

I cleaned the house. Went to my health food store and got some stuff I needed. Went to the craft store to get more embroidery floss and fabric for a project for the kids room. I got to focus on the floss and pick colors carefully. It was so nice.

Then I came home and baked. I made coconut muffins and whole wheat bread. 

I am so glad to get a day off.

I have been feeling better the last 2 days. Sean made me feel better. He just talked to me. We snuggled on our bed and told each other secrets like newly weds. 

Its 5 pm here and I am ready to go to bed. Sleepy

I feel pretty relaxed. And productive.

The crazy

Sunday and Yesterday were bad days for no reason. But I feel better today. I am going to have a good day today. No matter what. I feel more hopeful today. And I have a lot to get done and I want to go for  a walk. I need to move. 

Carmen has hives all over. I have to force her to take benadryl for the itching. It's not too fun. 

I started watching Downtown Abby. I like it. Or at least I think I do but its hard to concentrate when people keep talking to you.

I lost another pound. 59 pounds! I keep telling myself imagine how much you'd lose if you exercised. Still not exercising.

I think that is enough for today. I am going to spare you this crazyness.

Source 

Who doesn't need to smile?

Unhappy

I am having a bad day today. I am feeling very depressed and grouchy. All I want to do is sleep and read but I have these things called kids, and they do not like it when Mommy lays down. 

I am feeling very hopeless. What if I don't get better than this. I don't want to live like this. I feel like a cartoon with the little rain cloud that follows them around. The sadness is always there. It blocks out my joy. Today I was pushing my kids on the swings in our back yard. They were laughing madly like little crazy people. I just wanted to go inside and be alone. Their laughs usually at least make me smile but not today. And we got Carmen a puzzle to play with. She asked me to play with her so I sat on the floor to play. It made me mad that I was having to sit there. It should have been fun. I love puzzles and I love Carmen but I wanted to throw her puzzle in the trash and lock her in her room. 

Source

Rambles

I am sitting in the playroom at McDonnalds right now. 

I want to go shopping but I am the only one. And we are all still sick. I am not a nice person for being out in public but I am getting tired of being home. 

I am so bored right now. I feel too sick to really do much but I am so tired of surfing the internet with no purpose in mind. I cleaned for a while today. My house is in disaster mode. I still have to get the kids room back to normal and the office. But I no longer have a vacuum. I miss my vacuum. 

I am sorry I am rambling. I cannot think straight right now. 

I got Sean a present today. He is going to fall in love with me all over again when he gets it. 

I am not going to spoil the surprise by putting a picture of it here. Besides I don't think any one but Sean will be impressed by this anyway.

I secretly love dressing Louis in clothes that are too big on him so he looks small. Also I love when he plays with Carmens toys. He is carrying a pink puppy around right now and it makes my heart smile.

Changes

I was so sick this weekend. SICK. I had blisters on the back of my throat. It sucked donkey balls. And I still can't talk. I got laryngitis. I get laryngitis at least once a year. And every time my dad tells me how much he wishes my mom would get laryngitis, and that in their almost 40 years of marriage she has never gotten laryngitis. 

Anyway. I lost 2 more pounds being sick. I am up to/down to 58 pounds. According to our currant scale I weigh 200 lbs. But according to our old scale I weigh 188. I really wish I had not let Sean change our scale.

But the best part of all of this is that I am seeing the weightloss. I can do things I haven't been able to do for a long time. Like stand and hover when I pee in a gross bathroom. My stomach is much smaller. My thighs are much smaller. I have almost no cellulite. I can sit on Louis bed and not worry that I am breaking it. I can see/feel my collar bones. Its nice to see the changes. 

Last night I walked in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I look pretty again. I haven't looked at myself and felt pretty in a long time.  I like that. 

Carmen, Louie, and Other Stuff

Yesterday Carmen told me I was the best mommy in the whole world.  I cry when she says stuff like that. I love her so much.  I lost my voice a couple days ago. I was trying to tell Carmen to do something and she said "just talk mommy, Talk" 

Last night I made the mistake of going in the kids room to check on Louie. Of course he was still awake and wanted to play when he saw me. So I went and sat on his bed. He got up and put his little finger out and told me to "stay" just like I tell him. It was so cute.

I am finally starting to get better. I still feel like poo but at least I can swallow again. Last night was the worst. I Could Not Sleep. It was really bad. But hopefully I will sleep better tonight. 

On Wednesday last week I saw my Dr. She upped my Wellbutrin. I am happy about this but worried because wellbutrin messes with my sleep. But I have no idea if it did anything this time because I haven't slept since Monday. C and L seem to be better though. Other than wanting to sleep with us still and C peeing in her bed and Ls bed last night they are doing really good. I am sure I am repeating myself and not too sure if I am making any sense but I plead sleep deprivation.  

Oh and being sick made me lose 2 more pounds. I am at 56 pounds lost now!

Good thing germs cannot pass through the internet

Day 3 of the plague and I am not sure any of us will survive. I have had no sleep for 3 nights. That alone is enough to kill me. But at least I do not have a fever today. Yet.  Sean stayed home from work again and he is taking care of Louie. Louis is doing the best of all of us. Carmen is doing the worst. Her fever started yesterday. So we have a couple more days of this. 

I knew Louie was feeling better because we were sitting in my bed watching Miss Spiders Sunny Patch and he leaned over and kissed me. On the boob. But it was so sweet. I think he was telling me thank you for taking such good care of him the last few days. I love him.

Last night at about 4 in the morning Carmen woke up for her next dose of ibprofen. After she took her meds and had some coke to wash it down she looked at me and said "how about a little snack" I said no its time to sleep and she said " its good night time?" I said yes and she said "its dark outside?" I said yes and she rolled over and went back to sleep. I love her too.

Doing better

Well the little goober got Sean and I both sick. And being a mom and being sick is the worst.

When I was single, I would get sick and I would wish and wish for someone to take care of me. Now I wish and wish I were alone. Hopefully my INLaws will come get the Carmen so Sean and I can rest.  I am missing a serious amount of sleep right now. 

But the little boy is getting better. He is well enough that he is bored and he wants to get down every so often and I have to tell him no. But still needs ibprofen every 6 hours on the dot. 

Monday night after the ER Carmen was upset because she knew we were upset. So I slept sandwiched between both my babies. It was so nice. They were smashed up as close to me as they could get. They both needed their momma. 

The ER is not that bad

We were in the ER tonight. Louie had a febrile seizure. It was a short one, but it felt like ten years. I was already in my night gown getting ready for bed. I was finishing all the little things that have to be done at night. I looked in my room to check on Louie and he was toppled over breathing ragged. I went to him and he was stiff and non responsive. I told Sean that Louie was having a seizure and to get dressed. Again I was wearing a night gown. So I threw on the  first 2 things I grabbed and ran out to the car. We live a mile from the hospital so we just drove. I should have driven though because I would have gotten there faster.

Anyway he is going to be fine. The only risk is that if he has another fever he might have another one. But he will out grow them. 

Poor Sean cannot handle this stuff. I knew what it was right away. I knew it wasn't that big of a deal because of  a blogger I read. Her daughter had the same thing a while back. Only she had the more serious kind that lasts for more than 5 minutes.

I kept crying because even though I knew he was going to be ok it was scary. The nurse kept coming in every time a tear would roll down my cheek. She told me that her son had one and it was scary for her too. Then she told me to give him as many Popsicles as he can eat, Because they taste good. Our hospital has really great nurses. Its the hospital I gave birth to Louie at. Every nurse I have delt with has been wonderful. 

So our day tomorrow will be filled with tylenol, ibprofen, amoxicillin, and popcicles. Right after my Dr appt. After this I am really going to need my meds. 

I think maybe I should get the nurses one of these

(source)

 Seeing as how they had to check Louie twice

Too bad I can't drink any more. Time to go buy a cake.