Only a little dead

I am finally feeling better!

Today I didn't want to die from this stupid cold

I am not completely better but I now have the hope that I will one day soon be better

Tomorrow we are going to the ILs house to spend the day. I am working on how to respond to MIL with jokes. I am working on the best way for me. I am not good at this. I don't like having to plan out how to talk to family. It shouldn't be like this. It should be easy. But that is not the truth. This is how it is, so this is how it should be. That is a principle of CBT. 

Anyway hopefully I will be successful and will have some funny stories to tell you sunday. 

The sickies

Well Sean is home for the holidays but we are all sick

At least we are sick together

Lots of snuggles and tissues and movies

And its cold today. I love the cold

I have on a comfy tee and the softest pants. I am drinking coffee for the first time this week. Its a big deal when I am too sick to drink coffee. It doesn't taste right yet but its still good

The only bad thing is that 1 or both kids want me at all times. Carmen was crying because Louis wanted to snuggle with us and she didn't want her daddy. I am thinking I should have a talk with her daddy.

At my last Dr appt we upped my meds. I am feeling a little lost in this recovery process. I feel better than I did before CSU but I am not feeling as good as I was right after. And I am having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself. At least now I am aware of it but I don't know what to tell myself to stop it. I know what I will be talking about at my next appointment with Nancy. Hopefully I can go to group this coming week. I have been sick pretty much the whole time since I upped my meds. Today I am finally feeling better and I feel pretty good mentally. Tired but good. And that tired is earned. I have not slept more than a 4 hour stretch at a time for 2 weeks.

It looks like I will have my job through January. So that means 1 more month of daycare. 

I have a mess to clean up though. I am going to need it. I hope I get it taken care of before Dad finds out about it. Speaking of I have some work that needs to be finished so 

Ciao

Amber

Sadness

I am sad today. I am doing my best to not think about all of the dead babies. 

Its so hard to understand

I don't think you can truly understand things like this

But it's bad for my mental health so I am going to unplug

At least for today

Maybe longer

I pray for those mothers and fathers

So Random

Today I am feeling lonely and sad

Most likely caused by both my goobs being sick and the lack of sleep that has caused

I got NO sleep last night

I dreamed that I had a bunch of ugly tattoos all over me that I had no idea how I got them.

I was freaking out. I was asking everyone I know if they knew anything

It did not result in restful sleep. Though I was really relieved to learn it was only a dream when I woke up

I am feeling the need to medicate myself with food. I can't stop thinking about chicken nuggets and cookies. 

This morning before he left Sean rubbed my back for a few seconds. It was awesome. Will probably be the best part of the whole day. Only 1 more week til hes off work for christmas. I can't wait!

Brain Vomit

My Carmen is sick. Again.

She vomited on me today. Again.

It was pretty bad. 

Hopefully she wont piss her bed or puke in it tonight and we can all get some sleep. 

Hopefully

I had to cancel daycare and 1 of my Dr appts tomorrow. I am disappointed. I love getting to complain about things and getting good ideas of how to deal with it. 

I am going to my med Dr tomorrow. I am hoping she will up my meds. Or prescribe Abilify.

I had a pukey day so I am having crap for dinner. Cottage cheese with fritos and oreos.

This afternoon Louis went pee and he made me wipe his peter. When he put it away he said "bye bye" and then "I said bye bye to my nate (snake)".

Made me laugh

Love that goob.

So Random

Last night I fell asleep by 9 so today I am feeling better. Not getting enough sleep takes a big toll on me. I am sitting on the front porch listening to the symphony and drinking coffee. I am in heaven. The squirrdles (Louis calls the squirrels squirrdles and now I do too)  really crack me up.

I am pretty worried that MIL found my blog. Because Sean pinned a recipe I had here. Its stressing me out. I don't know what to do. I am thinking about writing an open letter to her. Because I love my MIL. I have some issues but that doesn't change that she is family. I have very similar issues with my own mother. They are just easier to handle because she lives 6 hours away. 

The last 2 days I have not been feeling as well. I missed a night of sleep and it threw me off. Hopefully last night will help and I will feel better again. I keep thinking about the hospital were I was. How nice it was to rest and take naps. And to take a technology break. I LOVE my phone and computer too much. I spend way too much time on them. Not doing anything useful. I read blogs (i am not going to stop doing that) and facebook and that sort of thing. It seems like I am either on my computer or my phone all day.  I am going to have a turn it off rule. And a go outside rule. 

Oh I forgot to update everyone (or maybe not). Daycare went GREAT. They both asked if they could go back. Um yes please. So now I have options. And when I need a break I can just call Ms B. Who is delightful. 

We are having family time right now so I have to go.