Randomness

Yesterday I was reading Ami and I realized that using a colored font would make me happy. I don't know why I stopped doing it. So Thank you Ami. For the font happiness and the laughs.

I am still feeling much better. Yesterday at my therapy appointment I scored in the mild depression category. I can't tell you the last time I was mildly depressed. I will take it! I slept terrible last night so today I am not feeling too hot but I am still feeling better than before CSU. At my therapy appt we spent the whole time talking about MIL. She asked if we could limit our time with MIL and I said not really because of the kids. So she said to give her as little information as possible. She said when MIL is grilling me to ask why she needs to know. She also made me feel good because she said I am doing good on dealing with her. And to keep up what I am doing. Just try to do it in whatever way will take the least toll on me. Now I know that it is not just me. 

Where I've Been

I know you guys can't tell I've been gone but I was gone for 4 days. I was in a Crisis Stabilization Unit. It was a nicer version of a mental hospital. (BTW They put me in there under a protective order so I can never buy a gun for the rest of my life) I went to see my therapist and she asked if I would consider it. I was so tired of feeling depressed that I said yes. So 8 hours later I ended up in the back of a police vehicle in shackles being driven 2 hours away. 

That was the worst part. I was pretty angry that they shackled me because I volunteered to do it and I had never been in handcuffs before, forget shackles. And the first night was hard but after that I was glad that I was there. It was just like any hospital except you can get up and do stuff (with supervision) but you can't go to the bathroom without having someone unlock the door. I think I was the least crazy person there. They changed my meds and I definitely feel better. I think I have a better perspective on reality. Hearing everyone else's stories, I realize my life is really good. I may get down on myself that we don't own our own home and that we have debt.  But those are dumb things to be depressed about. The others there had real issues. One lady had lost 4 babies by the age of 25. She was there for drugs. Another woman was there because her boyfriend cheated on her and left her without saying a single thing. She was so crushed. There was an older man there who reminded me of my Papa. He had hairy arms and a bald head just like my papa. He was super crazy but I still wanted to hug him ( I didn't) He was a little scary. He was telling me he knew that one of the nurses had killed more people than he could count. My roommate had such severe anxiety she only said 2 intelligible words to me. She would only get out of bed if someone made her. Most of the people there had hurt themselves or tried to kill themselves. 

In all of the therapy sessions the kept saying recovery is 30% meds 30% therapy and 40% willingness. I am there. I want to up my therapy sessions. At least for a few weeks. My mom will be in town so she will watch my babies for me. They also said a lot about poor poor me syndrome. I told my dad he is never allowed to tell me that but that I realized I need to stop pitying myself. 

I feel (and hope) that this is a changing point of my life for me.    

Also I got to rest and I didn't have to cook or clean and I got to pee alone. It was so nice. I think I really needed that. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I know I will. 

a conundrum

I have a question that I need a little help with but I have to give you some backstory first

As you guys know (maybe) I have severe depression and have not been doing well for a long time. 

I NEED a break so I can get stuff done and have a few moments to myself

Also I need to work without the goobs being around. Case in point just now carmen came in and it took me 5 minutes and a bunch of red squiggly lines to get that sentence typed

Anyway MIL says I can just ask her for help but when I do she doesn't want to. 

I asked her to let me bring the kids to her and let me work in their office for an hour or two uninterrupted so I could get some end of the year stuff done. She got obviously annoyed with me and said "thats why I take one of the kids each week. To give you a whole 24 hour break" 

Honestly this really upset me because I am so damned if I do damned if I don't with her.

This is a once a year thing. And I don't want her to help me if she doesn't want to do it. 

So anyway after a serious talk last night and many tears Sean and I decided to put the kids in daycare 1 day a week for the sake of my mental health. An added benefit is that we don't need to rely on MIL. But I know that she is going to ask why I don't want her help on thursday and here is where I need help from other people. I don't know how to tell her nicely that we are putting them in daycare and don't want her opinions "input" (ever notice that the people with the most opinions don't usually have much worth considering? I think its because you get so used to hearing things like "did you know that the sky is blue" that you don't even listen anymore) I have to set some boundaries with her. 

I do not want to hear again how you have to be real careful because their little self esteem is so easily destroyed. And that they had to learn the hard way.  I am doing research on this daycare and if I do not feel comfortable I won't leave them. 

I want to tell her its none of her business without say that. She is super sensitive so its going to hurt her feelings no matter what I say but I need to say it anyway as nicely as possible.

If anyone can help me I would be so greatful.

Thanks

Amber

Carmencita

So the kids and I had to be out of the house this week so I took them to stay at my grandmothers. 

Carmen came in my room crying monday night. I got her all calmed down and asked her what was wrong. She said that she had woken up and didn't know where her home was. Then she said "but I found it now" and I got all teary eyed and squeezed her alittle and then she said "See,  my phone"

I had bought her a pink princess phone on monday. 

guess I know where I stand