Carmencita

Today was another shitty day

In every way

But Carmen made it better this evening

Even though she is going through a really hard stage

She was complaining about wanting dinner

I thought about letting her have crap or ordering a pizza or something

But we ate crap all day so I offered to make salads for dinner

We went out in the yard and picked lettuce

 And as we were coming in She said 

"I love you so much momma, to the back"

I tell her I love her to them moon and back and so now she says to the back

It Melts my angry heart

P.S. Ruth. I am hoping this anger is a new stage in recovery. But maybe I should cut back on the sugar

Amberness

I have been up and down a lot lately

Mostly down

And angry

At every thing

I am angry that I can't seem to continue doing better

I am angry that some things in my life haven't worked out the way I wanted them to.

And I don't know why I am angry

Of course I am endlessly tired

But the trazodone and magnesium I take help me sleep at about 85% of what I need.

So that is doable 

The kids are sick as usual

I am out of humor

Therapy (written weeks ago)

Last week in therapy Nancy asked why I wasn't feeling better even though I was doing all the stuff we talk about. (I really do all the stuff) I thought about it all week and when I had my appointment with her this week I was able to tell her that I was feeling better. I found out the 2 most important things for my mental health are sleep and not feeling sorry for myself. My life is wonderful right now but it is hard too. I have 2 small kids, and a husband that I love very much but neither of those things are easy.

I have been feeling so much better this week. Not letting myself feel sorry while still being nice to myself. I am trying to make some time for me. I ask for more. And its really helping. And the sleep. I require a lot of sleep. When I sleep more than 10 hours I feel FANTASTIC. Its hard to do with kiddos but I need to remember. 

I am feeing so much better that I am going to get up and clean the house right now at 7:30 am before I go for surgery. Now that is good. I did all my morning routine so far and cleaning the house for the day has become a part of it. I really like that. I hate having a dirty house.  

Randomness

So I opened up blogger again trying to think of something I wanted to blog about and I checked my stats and found that somehow my blog is linked to a pornsite. I have no idea how or why. It is highly offensive. I don't have anything on here that would even appeal to someones sexual appetite. 

So I have been uninspired. I think about blogging every day but nothing comes to mind. Its all the same stuff pretty much.

I met with the counselor for the program that will send me back to school and they told me at this point I am too unstable to be sent. So we are working on seeing a therapist once a week and changing meds.  I was pretty upset at first but I was having anxiety about that already so its a good thing. 

I have been able to harvest some snow peas from my garden and a strawberry already. They were delicious. It was very rewarding. 

My goobs are with my Aunt again. I leave in a little while to go get them. I feel calm and ready to have them back. It is so nice getting a break. I am such a loner. I need alone time and I get none. 

I am going to go so I can enjoy the last hour I have to be alone for a while. 

Ciao