Not grouchy any more

Because Sean told me that he is taking me away for our 6th anniversary. I AM SO EXCITED.  I have always wanted him to do this for me.  I have no idea what we are doing and I love it.  I told him he is not allowed to tell me.  I love surprises.  So far all I know is I have to bring date night clothes and casual clothes and we are taking a cab at some point.  The only bummer is we cannot "have fun" wink wink.  Well maybe we can but most likely not.  I plan to take pictures to post.  This is the first time we have gone on a trip together without the kids. And we never went on a honeymoon so this is really special.  He couldn't resist so he told me he is taking me out to a movie we are staying in the nicest hotel I have ever stayed in and going to a super nice restaurant.  The only thing I don't know about is what restaurant we are going to. But I am guessing its The Melting Pot. Just a guess. 

I cannot wait. He showed me pics of the hotel and I am so excited I told him we should skip everything else and just stay in bet the whole time. This is so nice of my sweetheart. I love him.

Still Grouchy

Today is not a good day. Carmen has a fever. Sean has an infection. And I am just a grouch. I blew my top because Sean was cleaning up his side of the bed and the trash bag was full so instead of pulling the bag out (more stuff will fit in the bag if you pull it out of the can) he closed the bag and used grocery bags. He tied them shut and put them on top of the regular trash bag still in the can. That irritates me to no end. Because HE is the one who complains if the bag is full and I don't take it out right away. So we got into a yelling match. That shows how grouchy we both are because we don't ever do that. I bet he forgot his meds.

But on a good note I got to run three errands earlier. I had to go get stuff for dinner with Seans parents tonite and I went to the consignment shop I sell the kids stuff at and dropped off some stuff. Then I went to the Farmers Market that I never get to go to. I got a basil plant, a six pack of broccoli plants and a Marigold. Sean loves marigolds. 

I don't really have anymore to say and I need to go hold Carmens hand. Shes moaning and can't sleep.

Don't read this one

I am so tired and my head hurts. I want so badly to feel better. I don't know what to do to feel better. I cannot even write in my journal to feel better. I don't know how I am feeling. I hate this. Maybe I am sad because my parents were here. Maybe its because Sean and I are only having sex 2 times a month. Maybe its because hes sick. I don't Freaking know. I want a hot dog.

I think I just figured out whats wrong. I am probably PMSing. I need a hotdog, some ice cream and some sex.  

I am sorry to post this because its TMI and negative but I have to let this out.

Nothing

After our busy (and scary) weekend my parents came in for a few days.  They are such a tornado.   I took my mom shopping all over the place.  I am SO tired.  My head hurts.  I am glad today is Friday and I can relax for the weekend.  I plan to do nothing else today.  

This is a nothing post because I am too tired to think but posting regularly makes me happy.

Today Carmen was in a good mood.  She was so sweet to my mom and dad.  Mom gave her a sucker and Carmen told her and dad "thank you" by name 10 times.  She also said "thank you Tato for lunch" and she told them both "I love you" when they left.

She is such a sweet little girl.  Both my babies are.  I love my family.

Our Weekend

We went to visit my family this weekend.  Normally I love to go see them and feel refreshed and relaxed when I get home. But this weekend Carmen had an allergic reaction to something and got blisters on her eye. We rushed to the ER but ended up leaving before they called us back because my aunt called the eye Dr. she used to work for and he said it is common and to rinse her eye out and put cortisone cream on it.  I had given her Benidryl  as soon as I saw she was having a reaction, by the time my aunt called to tell me what her Dr. had told her Carmens eye was already better looking. By the next day it was completely normal.  

I am worn out. There was so much adrenalin pumping through my body that my skin felt like it was vibrating. I couldn't sleep.  It made me feel sick.

I had several posts ready in my head but when we got home last night our internet router was broken.  

Carmencita

Carmen said "I see moos" then she excitedly said "Baby moos, I see baby moos" After seeing a field full of cows and their offspring. 

See played "otchee" with my Nonnie (her great grandmother) and loves her dearly.  She kept saying "I go see Onnie" 

Discipline

The post I wrote recently on spanking has had me thinking a lot about . . . spanking.  I want to clarify a little better.  I think spanking is a good tool, but not the only/ best for discipline.  For us time out works. It really does. I put Carmen in her room by herself until she calms down and apologizes and promises to be nice again. I reason with her.  And she is the most reasonable 2 year old ever.  Even as an infant.  My MIL reminded me that when Carmen would start to cry by the time she was 6 months old I would talk to her and she would stop crying.  I would tell her don't cry baby, mommy will fix it.  We have only had 2 public tantrums and 1 of them ended peacefully. 

Even Louis is somewhat reasonable. He was screaming in the car because he was thirsty but I could not reach his cuppy so I told him I was sorry and we would be home in a few minutes and he was going to have to be patient.  I just kept talking to him calmly and lovingly until he stopped crying. Took about 3 minutes.  He was truly screaming.  But then he took the cracker I offered and chilled.  

I don't think people give their kids enough credit.  I told my sister about Louis's tantrum and she didn't believe

me.  In fact the other day I was on the phone with her when she was driving and my niece started throwing a tantrum and she didn't try to reason with her. She just ignored it.  I think ignoring is a bad tool for tantrums.  At least for my kids.  

So to sum up.  For me the most important thing it Reasoning with them.   Then I use timeout and as a last resort I use spanking.  Those are my tools and they work well for me.  

Faults

Just in case you have not noticed. I am dramatic. I come by it honestly. It is something about myself I do not like. I am working on filtering the drama. I use absolutes and words like very and really. 

For example here is what I wanted to write prefiltering. 

"I am so dramatic. I hate that about myself. I try so hard not to be. But I can't help it."

I got stung by a bee and I kept thinking i am going to die. Not because I was having a reaction or any reason in particular.  I think its mostly because of the depression. I have little resources left to deal with stuff. I jump to the unlikely worst case scenario. Its never as bad as I think. Then I calm down and laugh at myself. Its actually kind of funny.  

Meanderings of my mind

Sean gets irritated with me because I run from subject to subject (its a woman thing, at least in my family) when we are talking. I can't help it. I talk to a small mumbler all day. She responds to me but most of the time I have no idea what she is saying. I wonder if she thinks the same thing about me. 

I had a post all planned out in my head yesterday but because I have such a bad memory I cannot remember what it was. 

Yesterday I was telling a guy I work with how bad I feel for my dad because I am doing a bad job working for him. My friend (M) suggested that it was my meds making my mind not work and could I get off of them and take herbal meds instead. So I explained how bad I was. I told him that I was going to kill myself and that the kids would be ruined so I was going to kill them too. And thats why I got help. And that I needed my meds for the safety of my family and myself. He was so nice about it. He told me that I can only do what I can do and just keep trying. I don't think he had any idea. He made me feel better.

My poor Louis

My poor Louis is sick. We thought he had measles or chicken pox but last night I slathered him with butt paste and gave him benadryl  and he is a about 30% better today. So there is no way its a virus. We think its an allergic reaction to milk or some hair conditioner I just started using on Carmen. We are pretty sure its the conditioner. This pic does not show how bad it was. It was much worse in real life.

A scare in the night

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to my dog crying. When he cries in the middle of the night you better get up and let him out or you will have a huge mess to clean up. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the laundry room but he wasn't in there. So I thought maybe Hubby let him outside and he wants in. I opened the back door. . . no Roy. Puzzling. 

Then I went to the bathroom because every woman who's had a baby knows that you have to pee every time you wake up in the night even though thats not why you woke up. And I realized it was probably the kids that I heard. So then I started getting agitated I ran to the bedroom door trying to calm down when I heard the sound again. 

IT WAS MY NOSE

My nose was whistling loud enough to wake me out of a deep sleep. 

Finally something funny!

Peace

For the last year or so I have not been regular at my religious services for one reason or another, but mostly depression. Last night I went. It was a big struggle for me. I had an "I can't do this" day where I felt on the verge of a panic attack all day. But my sister was expecting me and I didn't want to let her down. And I knew that after last night it would get easier. So we went. Just me and my sister and our girls. No boys. And it was an adventure. Carmen fell and got embarrassed and could not stop crying and my niece was humiliated that she didn't get to pick her own outfit so she was not in a good mood. She kept taking stuff away from Carmen. 

I sat there and felt peace. I felt a calm come over me. And even though the girls were not sitting quietly (they are both 2 its just not going to happen) and Sean wasn't there I felt happy. Its where I am supposed to be. 

I don't really want to talk about religion here but I love my god and the peace he brings to my life. I am going to do a better job serving him. Not that I haven't been trying to do my best. I am feeling better now and have more to give in service to him. Thats all.

Carmencita

Carmen asked for some candy so I gave her the bag of Dumdums so she could pick which one she wanted and I went to refill my coffee cup. I came back 60 seconds later and said "you can only have 1" but she had already opened 5, licked them and stuck them to the sheet on my bed.

what a goob

Sadness

Last week a little boy from the town I live in vanished. His mommy said they were watching a movie and she noticed he wasn't there so she started looking for him. He was just gone. It's been almost a week and no one has seen or heard anything.

It's killing me. I am trying not to think about it, but I can't help several times an hour refreshing the local news page. I keep thinking about how it would feel to not know where Carmen was for a week or to never see her again.

I know that its normal to think of these things but for me it's also part of my depression and anxiety. Right now there are tears in my eyes. My heart is broken for this little boy and his mommy, and I had no idea they existed before friday. I have never met them but I can't stop thinking about them.

I know the reason I only have 4 readers is because of posts like this but how can I be funny when all I can focus on are sad things.

I used to think that it would be better for a child to die than to be abducted and or sexually abused. But in this case I am hoping that is what happend. Because maybe then he will get to come home. Because if he did just wonder away and no one has him, then he is dead. I would rather have a broken baby than no baby.

Everyone says it and its so cliche but I have been hugging and kissing and saying I love you more. Just appreciating more the sweetness that is my family.

I don't know what I would do if this was happening to me.

Carmencita

Today Carmen made a big mess in her room with some of my spices. She spilled quite a lot of cumin in her room and it smelled very strong. I was putting away the vacuum when I finished cleaning it up and I told Sean her whole room smelled he asked her what her room smells like and I threw up my arms and said "Spicy" and Carmen repeated 'spicy". Writing that out is not near as cute as it was in real life, I guess you had to be there. But I am going to post this anyway so I will remember.

SNOW

Last night it snowed! It snowed more than it has since I was 3. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and must have woken Sean up because he checked his phone and then he looked out the window and said "its snowing" So I got up at 4 in the morning and went outside to see the snow. I didn't think it would still be here this morning but it is! I got to throw 3 snowballs at Sean. It was super fun.

I know other parts of the country are having way too much snow but we never see it here so its nice. And if we do see any winter precipitation its usually sleet. Not as fun.

Its Taboo

Today I am going to talk about a scary subject. Spanking. I know a lot of people (including my MIL) think its child abuse. I do not. I believe in spanking. And I have a good perspective on it because I was abused. I was always bruised after being "disciplined". Several times when my mom was angry for some reason or another when she beat me I lost control of myself and screamed. I could not help it, it hurt so bad. So I know what abuse feels like. Also I remember 1 (and only 1) time that i was given a spanking and I remember thinking I deserved that. I remember after my dad said I love you now give me a hug and the overwhelming feeling of love that came over me.

So I know the difference between spanking and beatings. Between discipline and abuse. Spanking should always be a last resort. And should NEVER leave marks or bruises. And are not about the pain they cause but the lesson they teach. I will not use anything but my hand and when that no longer works (the kids are old enough that it is humiliating more than anything else) that will be the end of spanking. I will not spank my 16 year old daughter. I might take away her car but I will not spank her.

My MIL has a huge problem with spanking. Which I find ridiculous because she spanked and for a little while even used a horse whip. But she brings up The Nanny almost every time we are together. I think that show is great because it does show that other forms of non-corporal punishment work. And that consistency is key. But I cannot watch that show because of how bad the parents are.

Anyway, we had a biting incident the other day where Carmen bit the shit out of Louis. It was really bad. She bit him twice. So she got a spanking. Her first real spanking. I pullled her diaper off and swatted her hiney twice. Sean told his mom about it and that Carmen got a "bad spanking for it" MIL said " I know I saw the bruises". That really upset me. I could not just let that go so the next time I was talking to MIL I said something about it to her. I explained that even though she didn't believe in spanking I did. And what the limitations were on spanking and how I had been abused so it really upset me that she said that about the bruises.

She was really nice about it. She apologized about it because she realized how it made me feel. She said she didn't think that we would ever intentionally bruise our kids. And I am hoping that she will respect our decision about spanking.

Carmen had bruises on her legs because she is borderline anemic and also shes 2.

I feel better now that I got this off my chest. I hope that I do not offend anyone. Hopefully this was so long that no one really read it. I just think that it should be said that spanking is not abuse.