Therapy

I am the face of PTSD

It means that I feel like everything is going to kill me (subconsciously)

My therapist is hopeful that the treatment will work but I am discouraged

I am supposed to write down stuck points and a mission statement but I am a little confused about what both of those are

I tried twice to write a post about this and nothing would come out 

So I started writing in my journal and then transcribed it here

The good news about this is that PTSD can hold recovery back. It has a specialized treatment and is curable

Treatment for PTSD helps you think differently about the trauma you experienced

I feel guilty about this diagnosis because my mom is not the same person she was when I was a kid

She is very kind to me now and she tells me she loves me every time we talk

She respects me now

Its not fair

I wish all of this were in the past

I wish it would stay there

Therapy (written weeks ago)

Last week in therapy Nancy asked why I wasn't feeling better even though I was doing all the stuff we talk about. (I really do all the stuff) I thought about it all week and when I had my appointment with her this week I was able to tell her that I was feeling better. I found out the 2 most important things for my mental health are sleep and not feeling sorry for myself. My life is wonderful right now but it is hard too. I have 2 small kids, and a husband that I love very much but neither of those things are easy.

I have been feeling so much better this week. Not letting myself feel sorry while still being nice to myself. I am trying to make some time for me. I ask for more. And its really helping. And the sleep. I require a lot of sleep. When I sleep more than 10 hours I feel FANTASTIC. Its hard to do with kiddos but I need to remember. 

I am feeing so much better that I am going to get up and clean the house right now at 7:30 am before I go for surgery. Now that is good. I did all my morning routine so far and cleaning the house for the day has become a part of it. I really like that. I hate having a dirty house.  

Recovery

I am at a point in my recovery (from depression) where I am scared to move forward

I work really hard to feel better and it starts working but then I get scared that something is going to happen and I kind of give up and slide backwards

The major players in my depression are lack of sleep, feeling sorry for myself and, fear

Its almost like I am afraid to feel better because I know it wont last

That sucks

And its not true

I can feel better and it can last

But so far it hasn't

So its scary

But I will get past this

I just have to keep trying

Just a little every day

Source

No hospital for this girl

Pretty sure Abilify is not right for me

I am not going to keep taking it any more

The last time I did that I ended up in the hospital

Hopefully I can get in at my Drs office soon

Tomorrow I am going to garden my heart out along with 500 a few phone calls

Therapy

At my therapy appointment today my therapist told me I cannot right the wrongs of my childhood by being a perfect parent. It has been playing in my head like a broken record all afternoon. 

If only it could

My "homework" for the next 2 weeks is working on sleep because the kids are in a bad habit of coming into my room at night and keeping me awake, on top of not sleeping all that good anyway. And telling myself something I did right as a parent every day. 

Apparently I am a perfectionist. It is a little shocking to me that I might be. A little hard to believe. 

I am having a hard time blogging about this because I want to just lay it out there but at the same time I am an introvert and very private. Its trying to spill out everywhere but there is too much surface tension and it won't fall. 

Why do my issues have to be tied so strongly to my mother? Why can't it be over now that the abuse is over. Now I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I want to be over all of this. I thought I was. But then new things bubble up and I am left feeling punched in the gut. Heart broken. Tired.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night saying I just needed someone to hold me but thats not it. Recovery from depression takes effort which I am more than willing to put in and time, But I am impatient. I want it NOW. 

Randomness

Yesterday I was reading Ami and I realized that using a colored font would make me happy. I don't know why I stopped doing it. So Thank you Ami. For the font happiness and the laughs.

I am still feeling much better. Yesterday at my therapy appointment I scored in the mild depression category. I can't tell you the last time I was mildly depressed. I will take it! I slept terrible last night so today I am not feeling too hot but I am still feeling better than before CSU. At my therapy appt we spent the whole time talking about MIL. She asked if we could limit our time with MIL and I said not really because of the kids. So she said to give her as little information as possible. She said when MIL is grilling me to ask why she needs to know. She also made me feel good because she said I am doing good on dealing with her. And to keep up what I am doing. Just try to do it in whatever way will take the least toll on me. Now I know that it is not just me. 

Therapy

So yesterday I had a therapy session and the therapist asked me why I can't cry. Because I cry every time I go to her office. I hate it. I told her how private I am. And then I told her how my mom would keep doing what ever it was she was doing until she made you cry and then she was happy. I had several small breakthroughs. I don't like talking about those things because they bring up feelings that I don't need to remember but if it helps me to be happy I am willing to go there. 

I feel so cliche. Everything I say and do in there and how I feel. I bet therapists get so sick of hearing the exact same thing. 

"I dont want you to think bad of my parents/mate"  

All of it. 

Its awkward for me so I am going to call my therapist Nancy from now on. 

Nancy did say she thinks I am "hyper vigilant" with my emotions. I am not sure what that means.

I am excited to be in therapy. I want to get better so much. I am willing to do anything. And the short period of time I was not depressed I had a friend who was basically being my therapist. 

At this moment I wish I were someone else but I am working on that. 

I also understand better why I cannot handle criticism. 

We had to have the house perfectly clean and one time when I cleaned my moms bathroom I missed a leaf from a plant. She said that all the work I did was for nothing because I had miss that one tiny thing. So when someone says you did great except for this one thing I hear so your work means nothing. 

I knew that was how I felt but now I understand it better.

I know this post is crazy but you should be in here with me.