Better

Yesterday I laid in bed for a while and cried

Then I decided that it was time to get up and do some thing

So I gardened

I cleaned out 2.5 beds and planted snow peas, spinach, butter lettuce, and rocket.

The packs said that in 2 months we will be eating from my efforts

I think I am going to plant more snow peas today

It made me feel a lot better

And I think I might go to my babies today

Or tomorrow

I feel like I need to see my girl

After my therapy appointment today

I am so glad to have therapy

Last night we were watching my favorite show

McLoed's Daughters

and someone died (on the show)

I cried and cried

for 2 episodes

I am such a knobb (its an australian thing)

I HATE when shows kill off important characters

 Today is going to be better

I talk about myself a lot

I am feeling all the stress of the last few weeks

I am feeling really sad and my whole body aches

The goobs left yesterday with my aunt and I was so relieved for them to be going but now that they are gone I miss them SOOO much. 

Carmen didn't seem that happy about going and I really wish I had kept her with me

I need some alone non-sick time with her

Sean got a job but it takes an hour to get there

so now instead of an hour a day driving its 2

I do not think this is going to work

I am not moving back to the big city

I hated it there

This week I am going to rest and take care of myself

I am going to clean the house and exercise (just a little)

And drink coffee

And now for the joke of the day:

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty

(say it outloud)

Complaining (fair warning)

I am feeling so overwhelmed today. 

Carmen and Louis are both coughing and wheezing like 80 year old smokers

I need a little me time before I crack

I had a facial scheduled today but Sean got a job interview and now I can't go

I know the interview is very important for our family right now but I am so disappointed

.And its like everything I try to do to feel better keeps getting interrupted 

I tried reading a book, reading my blogs and blogging and I cannot go 3 minutes without interruption

Its exhausting

And I am not sleeping well

Yesterday Carmen had her follow up appointment and MIL insisted that she stay with Louis so that Sean could go with me. She got here 5 minutes before I had to be at my Dr app. That drives me insane. And then when we got home she was cleaning the kids room. But not just putting toys away (because that was already done) She was washing clothes and cleaning the floor . I HATE that. She makes me feel just like my mom used to when I was a kid and it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. She would be telling me how lazy and horrible I was.

MIL likes to make little comments. "that needs to be done EVERY DAY" "that will trigger an asthma attack" "Don't let her do that it will trigger an attack" And on and on. 

I am barely hanging on right now and I cannot deal with that

I need some hugs and alone time. And a massage.

Home again

We are home!

Its so nice to be home together

Carmen was getting really sad so its good she got out when she did

She is so perky and sassy today

I keep reminding her to calm down and breathe

She keeps begging to go somewhere

In the ER starting to feel a little better

She handled the hospital like a champ

When they put her IV in she held still and didn't cry

She took all her medicine and treatments without crying until the last day

By then she was so tired and sad

In the ER feeling a lot better eating all of my dinner

She slept in between Sean and I last night

She and I slept good

Louis slept good

I am not sure about Sean

In her room at the hospital

Somehow I need to relax for a little while today

She is so happy to be home

And she really missed her brother

I am going to "play something quiet" with them now

Bad Week

this is a really shitty week

I can't even go in to everything but it involves people who are dying, Big money problems and Carmen being in the hospital.

She has already been there 2 nights and may stay another

Asthma 

I am so exhausted and overwhelmed right now

I don't have the energy to say anything else right now but I will update when I can

Conversations with MIL

Oh Man was I pissed yesterday

Sean came home and when he saw how upset I was he said well lets go see your aunt. So I got to see her. I really wanted to go for my Uncle and cousins. They are doing everything for her that they can. They said they don't think brain damage is a big concern. They are mostly concerned about her heart. Hopefully she will be ok. 

I plan to go there to be with them as much as possible

After we went to the hospital we ran by the IL's house. They live right around the corner from the hospital. And MIL and I had a conversation. It started like this: I overhear her in the kitchen asking sean to stay with the kids because she wanted to talk to me (Que the awkward)

She sails into the room I am sitting in and sits RIGHT next to me and grabs my hand with both of hers.

MIL: I wanted to talk to you because we haven't really talked since you were in the hospital and I wanted you to know I am here for you and you can talk to me any time.

(the awkward deepens)

Me: Oh thank you. Yes I know.

(Then she starts getting emotional)

MIL: Sometimes when things happen people run for the hills and I realized I did that to you. People were just gone after my mom died.

(Genuinely feeling for her)

Me: You did not do that. I know you are there for me.

MIL: And I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry when I have hurt your feelings. I am apologizing for past and future.

Me: I know when you say things that bother me you are just trying to help.

MIL: Are you sure? Because I really am. I am a mom and that is all I know how to do

Me: Yes. (and then I told her that it doesn't bother me when she gives us her opinion it bothers me when she keeps telling us over and over)

And that was way too long but not even close to the things we were able to talk about. She said she was going to work on not forcing her opinion. And we talked about a lot of things that made me feel so much better. I had decided that if it ever cam up in conversation I would tell her that about the forcing of opinion. I didn't want to bring it up on my own because I didn't want it to feel like an attack and she is very sensitive.

I get annoyed with MIL but I know that she is not a bad person. She has redeeming qualities. And she wants to help. But things add up after a while. And it gets hard to deal with stuff. 

I really hope she meant what she said. Because it would help our relationship a lot. 

I can't wait till Wednesday to tell Nancy about all of this. 

I don't need apologies. I only want bad behavior to stop. As soon as it stops I am good to move on. 

Sucky day

I am so angry and sad today

My Aunt had a heart attack yesterday and was dead for more than 5 minutes so she is in an induced coma. We don't know how bad it was or if she has any brain damage.

I am angry. It is not fair. She is such a good person. 

I am also angry because I want to go to the hospital and see my Uncle and cousins but Sean decided he needed to go fishing and doesn't want to go. I need his support. I am SO angry at him. I would NEVER do this to him. If his horrible uncle had a massive heart attack I would never say that it was more important for me to get a pedicure and have some alone time. I cannot believe how selfish he is. 

I cannot deal with today

Our Family Date

So Sean and I decided that we want to have a date as a family once a month where we spend the day together and do something fun. Together. So last Saturday we did it. We had a lovely day.

First we went to the train museum

Our local Train Museum is really cool. Its free and on the first Saturday of every month they have kids drive the train day. We all loved it.

Then we decided to go to the Zoo

This is a statue at the entrance

This pic is a keeper. I may frame it.

We saw some animals

But these are all the pics I have because I left my phone at home and our camera is a butthead. Its not fun to take pics with. This is all Sean took with his phone.

But we had a great time together

And we bought passes to the Zoo so we can go as often as we want this year. It was only going to be 40$ dollars more and I LOVE the Zoo so I batted my eyes and Sean gave in. I hope we get to go at least once a month. 

I can't wait till our next family date

Diets and all that

I am working on my diet again. Between learning I have high cholesterol and gaining some weight back (and Sean gaining all the weight back) its time to make some changes. I want to eat a 75% plant diet. With no added fats except for avocado. And as vegan as possible. We have a small stock pile of meat so I will use that up but I will eat a small portion of it. 

I lost sight of my fitness goals this last year. I have not exercised. But the worst part is Carmen is overweight. So I have work to do for her. She will not be called the fat one. 

So my restarting weight is 217 

2013

Its a new year. Its exciting to think of what may come this year.

Today is a good day (although I have only been awake for 30 mins and am still on my first cup of coffee)

Yesterday was a nice day too

I saw my therapist. I love her. She listens to me bitch about everything and then helps me deal with it. And this time she told me I am doing everything I can to deal with things and not to be impatient with my recovery. She is right. I need time to get better and to give things a chance to work. 

I got laid off. And I am fine with it but Sean is not. He wants me to get a full time job. If I have to I will get a full time job but the truth is that I don't need to. He makes enough that we can pay all the bills and still have about 500$ left over a month. And we paid off 2 of our 4 credit cards and only have 1 payment on the truck. Any money I made would go to entertainment most likely. So I don't understand why it bothers him so much. I want to stay home with the kids. I do not want to work more than 3 days a week. 

Starting today I am going to try a vegan diet. Not super strict. Maybe I should say vegetarian instead of vegan because I have some cheeses that I will probably not be able to stay away from. But I am going to have Rips Big Bowl for breakfast. I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought as much fruit and veggies as I wanted. We have apples, strawberries, clementines, bananas, mangos, grapes, and kiwi for snacks and sweets. I got a ton of food for the diet and I spent 148$ for the whole week. And that includes 20$ worth of  bread, crackers and cheeses for dinner last night. I may have gone a little crazy. But I have gained almost 25 lbs back. I hate that. I am sliding back into bad habits. The way I have been eating I feel sluggish. I know everyone says that but I can't poo properly when I haven't been eating my veggies.  

I am excited about this year. I have better health. Better finances. Its going to be a good year.

I am going to take things 1 day at a time and take a step back to give myself time to deal with things. I am not going to make any resolutions. I am just going to live.