2011

The last 2 years almost killed me. Literally. 2011 was much better for me than 2010 but it still sucked. I guess I did pretty good making it my bitch though. I am better mentally and I lost almost 50 lbs. That's pretty awesome. I didn't think about killing my kids once this year.  

But I don't know how I feel about it ending this way. I feel like something is left undone. I can't explain it. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. 

Oh well

I am going to do even better in 2012. I just know it. I already scheduled our family portraits. I am pretty excited about that. And its not til March so hopefully I will have lost even more weight by then. That would be awesome. I had not scheduled them before because I felt so fat I didn't want documentation of it. And I still feel fat but I feel better. I feel pretty again. 

I am going to keep working on my mental health. I hope one day I will have more good days than bad. I am doing much better than before. But I wish I could do a little better.

I am going to keep working on my physical health. I am so excited about losing weight but the focus is health for me. Exercising for my heart and my kids. Eating right for my heart and kids. I have heart disease on both sides of my family. Its something I will never be able to forget. 

I am going to work on my spiritual health. For the last 7 years I have done the best I could but it was bad. I am reading my bible again. Not every day but that's what I'm shooting for. And being at the meetings. 

Those are going to be the focus of 2012

Beside my family of course

Better

I feel better today. I think its because I slept til 8:30 today. 

It could also be because Sean has a 3 day weekend. I am so excited to spend time with him and not do anything this weekend. I am hoping that I will be able to sleep in 1 morning. He gets to sleep in tomorrow morning. 

Carmen and Louie and I have the squirts today. I am not sure whats causing it but poo is just attracted to me. It follows me everywhere. I heard that gurgley fart coming from Louie and I knew I had to change that diaper quick. So I picked him up and ran to the diapers. I was too late. I got poo everywhere. He was so upset. And so was I. But its ok it got me cleaning.

My parents are going to stay with us monday and tuesday nights. I always feel so bad because my mom is a clean freak. Everything has to be "just so". She is very kind to me when she comes but I feel like I am letting her down. Its really not that dirty right now so I know I can do this. Maybe this time it will be good enough.

I am going to start cleaning right now

Tired

I may not make it through today. I slept so bad last night. And the night  before. I got up at 6 this morning because Carmen decided to get up and come in my room. I couldn't go back to sleep. I am so tired. 

All I want to do is eat til I explode and sleep.

I want mexican food and chinese food.

And doughnuts

And about 48 straight hours of sleep

Better

I feel better today! I had a shitty day all day yesterday until about 4 pm. I felt like I wasn't gonna make it till Sean got home. So I told myself I was going to clean until I felt better. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the floors and picked up the living room before I felt better. I played with Louie. I am going to do it again today. I am feeling much better. 

I am taking mucinex because I have some congestion. It makes my lady bits smell. Its funny to me. Every time I pee I laugh.

I didn't do anything fun with the kids yesterday so I am going to make up for that. We are going to spend time outside and paint the bathtub again.

I hope everyone has a good day today!

Shit

I am having a shitty day. Both literally and figuratively. I am in my bed with louie watching mclintock, I can't stop crying. Its ok though because its been quite a while since I felt like this. I feel liek the worst mother because I am putting this on my kids. I can't hide it. It feels a little like I am going to die. My heart keeps skipping a beat. It's my anxiety. (Louis is really digging mclintock) I am going to rest and do some CBT and bible reading. And wash my sheets because Louie just poured a cup of lemonade on them.

Oh and the literally shitty day thing. Louie had a MAJOR blowout in his room. Poop all over the room on the chairs and his bed. It really sucked 

Sad

I am just having a bad day today. My anxiety is pretty high and my temper is too short. I think its because Sean is being such an asshole. Yesterday at his parents house he was complaining about everything. He was the only one complaining. And he kept hurting his moms feelings. He said that he was defending his dad because his dad does so much for his mom and she still nags and picks at him. All I could think was how familiar that sounds. I told him that he was the one who has to change and find a way to get along with his mom because she is not going to change and then he said that it was her problem he wasn't going to give in so she could be selfish. He was acting exactly like her. 

Also every time I make a mistake with the kids in front of him, he acts like I am a horrible mom. I lifted Carmen from her chair after dinner and accidentally scratched her leg. It didn't really hurt her or anything but he was like "You did it AGAIN. EVERY TIME" right in front of his family. 

I am so pissed at him right now. 

The only reason I slept with him last night was because our bed is a memory foam and the only one I would be hurting was myself. 

I am so tired of having the same arguments every time. EVERY TIME. 

Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

I need to just give up for today. This is the most depressed I have been in a long time. I am exhausted. I have a headache. I wish I could drink.

I am sorry to be a downer when everyone else is on a holiday high.

I am done for today

Sadness

10 Years ago today, My great-grandmother died. She was 98 and the most wonderful woman. I have always wished that I had her wisdom. I still miss her a lot. A LOT. 

The day she died, my twin and roommate were out of town so I was home alone. My uncle called me and said that Granny was in the hospital and she had had a heart attack. I was putting on my lipstick when he called back and said that she had had another and died instantly. He asked me to call my mom and sisters. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I was walking into the kitchen and when I passed the front door, I saw someone was there. So as I walked by I just opened it without stopping. It turned out to be my friend Tom, thank goodness. He said "Amber, what happened" so I told him. He asked if there was anything he could do. And I started lauging because my roommates dog had broken a water pipe outside and we had to turn the water off. So I was laughing and crying at the same time. He is a good friend and he fixed it for me. 

From there the rest is a bit fuzzy. I went to the hospital to be with my family and we ended up at grannys house. In her fire safe lock box among the documents and whatever else she had in there, She had written notes to her 2 children telling them she loved them more than they would ever know. I still tear up whenever I think about it. 

The next thing I remember clearly is the viewing. I knew I didn't want to see her but everyone kept telling me that she looked so peaceful. What they failed to mention is that she looked dead too. So I went in to see her and couldn't handle it. I was in the entry of the funeral home on a couch crying for the rest of the time I was there. When my older sister came I told her not to go in there but people were telling her the same thing, that granny looked so peaceful. So she went in and right away she came out crying. She kept saying it wasn't right, that there should not have been a viewing. 

The rest is a blur. 

I really miss her. I would have named Carmen after her but I don't like the name Pearl. Its just not for me. 

I am going to call my grandmother

And I am going to hold my children. 

And I am not going to be sad today

Lazy today

Today Sean is off work and home with me. The kids are at the IL's. We are having a date day. We went to breakfast and ran a few errands and now are watching tv together. I love it. I even got to sleep until I woke up this morning. I love that. I really miss waking up naturally. 

I am baking coconut bread. Its a little like corn bread but with coconut instead. It smells FANTASTIC. I love baking so much and I miss it since its pretty hard to find low carb recipes for cookies and cakes. But this bread is perfect. 

It is just a slow calm relaxing day and I am soaking it in.

I think I might take a nap.

Junk

Today I am crazy tired. And I have a headache despite taking something for it. But other than that I feel pretty good. I started exercising yesterday. Carmen is doing it with me. We are doing 10 minutes of pilates (don't laugh) and 10 to 15 of stretches. My abs are hurting today. Not killer but its there. Probably my legs are going to hurt tomorrow because I did legs today. Its fun exercising with Carmen. Even though she is a hindrance more than anything. 

I am still working on getting Seans meds from his Drs office. Its going on 7 weeks now that I have been calling and asking them to refax stuff for me. I am done with them. 

Anyway We are going to have another pajama/movie day. We are sitting on the couch with my fuzzy blanket watching Jungle Book 2. 

Milestones

Oh My God

I lost 3 more pounds and now Im under 200

I never thought I would be under 200 again. The first time I saw the scale go over 200 I said goodbye to the smaller version of myself. I am ecstatic to be under 200. I feel like I have just won a HUGE award. Thank you, thank you *takes a bow*  The biggest part of it is that I don't feel like its been that hard. It was not as hard as I thought. I mean it took work but I really didn't think I would be able to lose weight long term and keep it off. But now I know that I will. I just know I am not going to gain back the 49 lbs that I lost because I have made maintainable lifestyle changes. I have not gone hungry or done a type of diet that leaves you feeling desperate to eat. Although I watched a documentary called Fat, sick and nearly dead that I totally recommend. I  want to do a juice fast for a week. Not to lose more weight but for the micronutrients and detox. But anyway I am amazed at myself. I think now the goal (other than continueing to eat right) is to exercise at least 10 minutes a day. I know that may not do much but it will get me in the habit of exercising regularly. I know for my heart, I need to do that. I have to start now so I wont need a bypass at 50 or any of the other stuff my dad has now. 

Today is going to be a good day, even if my dad is a butthead

Today

I feel a tiny bit better today. I am going to spend as much time with my dad as I can. It sucks how much Sean has been gone. I have hardly gotten to spend any time with him at all and he is leaving tomorrow morning to go see his grandpa. It may be the last time he gets to see his grandpa because grandpa is moving to mexico. Sean and his parents do not believe its safe enough to go anywhere in mexico. So anyway I cannot ask Sean not to go. But I cannot go. I cannot handle it. I used up all of the reserves that I had. I really need a break.

In other news its cold this morning. I love cold weather. 

I am going to spend the day with my mexican brother. Don't worry hes from mexico and he says I can call him that. He calls himself my mexican brother. 

rambling

My dad made it through and he is doing wonderful today. Hes not in any pain at all, but we were told there is very little pain with this procedure. He was already working this morning. 

I am relieved but exhausted. My brain is so fried today. I am not doing anything. But I feel like its something that any normal person would be depressed over so I am just going to ride the wave. It will get better this time. And soon I am sure. 

I wish I could take a nap today but I can't. Carmen wont let me. And now my MIL is on her way here to bring the kids coats. Maybe she will take one home with her. 

I am just going to ramble again. I am feeling a bit more stressed this morning. I woke up before 5:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep. Partly because I had a bad dream. 

I dreamed my twin was getting married and my mom was being a bitch. She was berating my twin for having gained a little weight. It made me so mad I started screaming at her. I have dreams like this occasionally. They used to make me feel empowered but now I just feel sad. So anyway that is staying with me. And a fear my dad is not going to be ok. Also I really miss Sean. He has been gone a week and a half. He will get home today but I need him. I have some work that needs to get done ASAP but the computers are offline. One more thing causing me anxiety. I guess in a few hours it will be over. One way or another.  

I am just going to ramble tonight

This is the first time I have had a moment to myself to process the stuff with my dad and Louis.

I don't know how I feel about any of it

I am glad we are getting Louie help if he needs it. I felt like something wasn't right. Maybe hes just fine and the ST(speech therapist) will find he is just choosing not to speak. I don't know but of course I am unhappy that he may have something wrong. 

And this business with my dad

It is hard because I love my daddy. I don't know what I would do if he died. Or even if he has a major stroke and turns into a vegetable. 

In the big picture my childhood was not a big deal but in the moment, it was very hard and stressful. My dad beat me a few times and was emotionally abusive and pretty absent but when he was there, he was there. I always knew he loved me. And that makes all the rest much easier to get over. I had/have much less resentment for him than my mom. He gets me. He makes me laugh. He tells the stupidest jokes. And I LOVE that about him. I love how he is a huge dork. Probably my dad will be fine. hopefully he will live at least 20 more years. It really sucks because he could have prevented this. If he had practiced what he preached he would not have had to have a quadruple bypass, he would not be diabetic, and he would not be having a  endarterectomy. 

I wish I didn't need sleep. I wish I could stay up all night and just think, but I am so tired. I am feeling sad about this but I feel like I can deal with all of this. 

Better

This weekend was really rough. We found out my dad will have to have surgery on Wednesday and even though its kind of a relief to know its getting taken care of, its still scary. I feel resentful towards him because this was preventable. He rides my ass about my health but he doesn't take care of his own. At this point I am healthier than he was at my age. Asshole.

Also today I had Louis screened because he doesn't talk yet. He will be evaluated in Jan. I feel sad that something might be wrong with him but good because I felt like something was not right. No matter what it is, its never ok for your baby to not be perfect.

And Sean was out of town all week last week and left again today. I miss him so much I can't stand it. He came home Saturday night and we just held each other and talked He is my best friend. He was saying something about if he has to take the camera man job and I told him no. It will not work for me. No matter what conditions you put on them it isn't going to happen. 

But all things considered, I am still doing good. I am no more tired than normal. And I only cried uncontrollably once. I do wish I could eat an entire bakery but other than that I feel fine. I love wellbutrin!

Ramblings

I saw my counselor today. He is so kind. It was nice because I was able to tell him I am feeling better. I have been doing better since I started going to office but I hadn't really started feeling better. He always tells me how nice it is that I am doing better. I am really trying to get better but I think most people don't put the effort in. Not that most people don't want to, they are not at the point that they can. I also told him that I had to put myself in time out the other day. And he said it was a really cool concept that I am teaching my kids. I made a glitter/calm down jar. I made it so that when the kids (or I) get upset or overwhelmed we can shake the jar and watch the glitter settle. I haven't used it yet because I just made it so I don't know if it works or not. I hope it works.

I think that Bea is mad at me and I feel sick about it. Sick at my stomach and heart broken. I have a problem with recriminations. I still think about things I did or said as a child and feel sick about them. 

Birthday

Yesterday Bea had her baby, and I was there. She had a beautiful baby girl. I helped  her for the last 12 hours of her labor. It was a hard, long labor. Over 36 hours. But she pushed the baby out in less than 15 mins. It was amazing. And of course Bea wins in any pain complaint department but Damn I am in so much pain today. all of my muscles hurt. And my knees ache. I spent all day on them applying counter pressure and massaging her. She had a VERY hard labor. About 5 minutes after the baby was born I left the room and spent about 10 minutes just crying. It was an emotional day, and exhausting. Then I came home and hugged my kids. Bea's labor made me glad I had C-sections. And I would have another if I just so happened to get preggo again. That  was hard for me, so I cannot imagine how hard it was for her. 

The poor little baby had a terrible cone head. But she was the sweetest most beautiful cone head. 

I am so happy for Bea

Anxiety

I am having major anxiety right now because my best friend went into labor today I am not going to get to be with her. Sean had volunteered to watch the kids and let me go but hes at work and when I hinted that I wanted him to come home early he got all huffy and said he had to work late. Not only does my friend (from now on she will be known as Bea) want me to be there, I am dieing to be with her. I have that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest is tight. And I feel sad. I have been planning this for longer than shes been pregnant. She was with me when I gave birth to my first and I wanted to be with her. I am trying to calm myself but its not working

Weightloss progress

As of this morning I am down to 200 lbs!

I have lost 46 lbs since I started dieting and 52 since my highest nonpregnant weight

This is huge for me. I never thought I would be able to lose weight without pills or surgery. I have struggd with my weight my whole life. Since I was a small child. I feel so good about myself right now. I will never be skinny but I just want to be healthy. I want my waist to be under 35 inches. I'd like it to be about 33 so I have 7 inches to lose. I have already lost 5 in my waist. Its doable. For the first time its doable. 

Also the higher dose of wellbutrin is working for me. I am having good periods everyday. That is also huge for me. I know that at some point I will feel good. It keeps me going.