I have been thinking all week of stuff to blog about and now I can't remember a single thing.

Oh I remember now. I found out last week that another one of my twins ex-boyfriends parents wanted their son to date me and that they could not stand her from the very beginning. His mom told him "are you going to be able to stand listening to that voice every day for the rest of your life" and his dad said "that little Amber made her way right into my heart why dont you date her" HAHAHAHAHAHA. She always was telling me how people didn't like me, that they liked her much better. But the truth is no one liked her, they ALL liked me better.

But my bf was saying that it just took my twin a lot longer to grow up than it does most people. I am not sure thats really true. I have no reason to believe that she has changed at all. As far as I can tell she is exactly the same, she just hides it a little better. But I can still see it. I deeply hope that one day she will change but until then I can't be around her. I can't be close to her. And it breaks my heart. I saw the picture of us together at the hospital when we were born, I cried.....Hard. I know that we were close at one time and I love her so much. I wish things were different. I miss her, the real her the one we haven't seen in so long that I forget she was ever there.

Ok I am going to talk about Carmen now because I am getting really sad thinking about my twin. Lately when I put Carmen down for a nap when I walk out of the room she waves me out. LOL. It cracks me up. She is starting to walk at least 50% of the time. It is so cute to see her toddling around. She can communicate with words or signs but she chooses not to most of the time. It is funny. I love her so much.

The little boy it 4 weeks and 5 days away from making his appearance. I am doing great. My BP went down so its normal again. I have not gained weight in 2 months YAHOO. I was told walking is just fine so I am trying to exercise again and its helping with the slight swelling I have.

Ok I am done for now. I need more coffee. I miss caffeine alot.

Bad day

I am feeling really depressed today. My best friends grandpa died yesterday. My heart is broken for her and the family and I can't believe hes gone.

Vent

I have been feeling extremely tired physically and slightly depressed. The Zoloft is helping but I am still sadder than I wish. I am super emotional. I am not sure if that is from the pregnancy or the zoloft regulating my hormones (or whatever it does) but I have been crying A LOT. I've already cried like 3 times today. I feel bad because I feel like I am being a bad mom. All I can really do is sit on the couch at this point. I am barely keeping up with the basic necessity's around the house. I am only able to cook about once or twice a week. I should be able to do more. I am being a bad wife. As soon as Sean gets home I am like what are you doing for dinner, can you wash the dishes. But I cant do it right now. I get out of breath walking to the bathroom.

Not to mention that I feel so guilty about this pregnancy. I have not taken my prenatals because they made me throw up every time. And I am unhealthy and now its affecting the baby. My blood pressure wont stay down. And that makes me SUPER upset. And I just want to nap. I need sleep so bad but I cant sleep in or take naps because of Carmen. I can't leave her crying in her crib for hours just so I can sleep.

Before I used to feel so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't get stuff done but now I feel so physically exhausted that I can barely move. and that makes me depressed.

Why I love thanks giving

I just remembered that this was about the time that I met my Teddy Bear 5 years ago. It was the weekend before Thanks Giving. We met on Sunday and I flirted like never before and the rest is history. I fell in love with him at first sight and I love him more and more every day. I am so happy I found him.

My Baby is SO funny

I have to post this before I forget about it. The other day I was changing Carmens diaper and she was crying because she had a mild diaper rash so I said "It's ok baby I am going to put some goo on your bottom and it will feel so much better" so I did. When I was done I said "isn't that better baby" and she shook her head no. I think its so funny when she shakes her head to tell me what she wants but that time it really got me. "See all better" says I and she says NO ITS NOT MOTHER. It's like every day she grows up a tiny bit more.

What a ride

Yesterday was a roller coaster. Good Bad Good Bad.......

Bad: It started with Carmen being sick so she didn't sleep good which means I didn't either.

Good: Then when Andria came to watch Carmen while I went to the Dr. she gave me a beautiful bracelet that says "A sister is a forever friend". I got all teary.

Good: Then I had a Dr. Appt that went GREAT! I do not have GD I did not gain any weight the last three weeks (YOOHOO) and my BP was really good 120/66. And I found out that at my next appt I will start having weekly NSTs to make sure I am not contracting. I love those. I get to sit in a comfy recliner ( I have been wanting to get one of those really ugly but ridiculously comfortable lazy boy recliners because I am getting pretty uncomfortable lately) and listen to Louis's heart beat for 30 mins. Can it get any better than that?

Bad: But then I had to get a shot. Those suck. It made my arm really tingley and they made me stay about 15 minutes later than I should have had to. I hate getting shots. I can always feel the chemical in my arm for hours.

Uncomfortable: Then I could only get Carmen to nap while I was holding her so I put her in the snugli and held her for about 3 hours. Its kind of hard to do it because it puts her right on my belly which is getting really big and the pressure hurts. And she kept waking up about every 20 minutes and she would start fussing and crying so I had to keep rocking her and jiggleing her. That was kind of good because I love holding her and watching her sleep. Shes so pretty.

Bad: Then I started having contractions. I don't think they were bad ones but it did keep going for about an hour and a half. And they were pretty close together. It freaked me out and I had to call Andria to calm me down. I did not want to go to the ER. But it finally stopped.

I am really tired because I am 7 months pregnant (today) and because I could not sleep good the last 2 nights because Carmen kept waking up crying. I have about 9 weeks to go. I am so excited! I keep going back and forth between being terrified about this huge change in life we are about to make and being so happy and excited I just want to cry. I am super emotional right now. I have been crying almost every day this week. I am doing alot better since I started taking zoloft. I can even deal with MIL better. Although she really pissed me off this weekend. I will save that for a MIL post later. I have to do some work now so Later.

I was not cheated

So far this pregnancy has been great. The only things I have had a hard time with is the usual worry " what if he doesn't make it" "what if hes the devil" and " I wish I could blow out my vagina instead of having to have another C-Section". But today I was reading my feeds and I read This post by Trish about her adorable baby boy Robbie who was born at 26 weeks. She didn't get to hold him for 5 days. And she didn't get to take him home for 96 days. With Carmen I didn't get to see her again (after they pulled her from my belly) for 11 hours, it was torture. I could not stop crying. The nurses kept coming in and saying you have to stop crying. Sean thought something was wrong with me because my eyes were almost swollen shut. And my BP would not go back to normal. But as soon as they brought her to me......it was like a scene from the movies. The nurse who brought her was saying "do you know how to change her diaper...blah blah blah" I said "Give me MY BABY" and it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

Can you hear the angels singing when you look at this pic? Anyway after reading Trish's post I don't feel cheated. Thank you Trish. I don't care at all that I don't get to blow out my vagina. I am happy that I am getting a baby and that's all that matters. Hopefully I wont have to wait 11 hours to hold him but if I do I can remember that I will get him after a short while and that I can keep him.

The Chuck Wagon Cookoff

So we went on a mini vacation last weekend to the hill country. There was an old fashioned chuck wagon cook off and some friends were participating so we went for a little while. It was fun, they had a live band and it was at a park on the river.

It was sunny and Carmen actually kept her sun glasses on. I was wishing I had brought her boots. LOL I asked Sean to take some pics so I could blog about this (I enjoyed it alot) and this was the only usable picture. He didnt get one of the chuck wagon and it was cool. It was an authentic chuck wagon and they had to decorate it with authentic items like guns and a quilt. Some had bottles and flags. Oh well

I am having a bad day today. I am so sad about my Opa. He is the only Grandpa I really have. My moms dad is mentally ill but doesn't admit it. My Opa is in a crappy nursing home to die. He is on morphine now because he is in so much pain. I believe the pain is caused by his body slowly shutting down and the toxins building up. I don't think he will last a month. I saw him yesterday and he looked better than the 2 times I had seen him before but then I heard that he was on morphine and that explained it. I hate that the last memories I have of him will be this but at least he is still there. He knows I am 5 months preggo and the Baby's name is going to be Louis Michael. But I am so sad to see my Opa this way. Death is so unnatural. Even though I know why I still think WHY. It hurts so bad. We are not supposed to lose people we love. We are not supposed to watch them die slowly and in pain. Its not supposed to happen. We are supposed to live forever in perfection and be young and healthy. I wish I could lay in bed for a few weeks until my heart feels better but it suck because life goes on. I can't stop living for a little while I have to keep going. I am just tired right now. And sad. Even eating is not making me feel better. But it's ok because I have a Dr. appt for the 6th to get depression medication. And probably I will feel better because I can cry now. Some times I cant cry. But you need that release. I am going to take a shower and go to bed

Good night

The worst mom ever

So today I won the bad mom award for the day. I was so tired I could not get out of bed. Carmen was waking up and fussing but then she would go back to sleep so I just left her. About an hour later she finally did the I am NOT going back to sleep cry. So I went in to get her. She was standing up in her crib and when she saw me she sat down like FINALLY. But when I got to her there was poo all over her and her bed. Alot of it. And I saw it because she was pointing to it. Thats right. I left my sweet beautiful little baby sitting in poo for an hour. And she was calmly telling me about it.

Later on I fed her breakfast and I swear that she turned to me and said All done. And she was. She is so cool. I love her so much. I cannot wait until baby Louis is born.

Its always something

So some things are going good and other things really suck.Its always something. Sean and I are doing good. Although I am going to rip him a new one when he gets home because I got our (well it was really my mom) clean and he has started a new pile of clothes on his side of the bed. Carmen is good. Shes grumpy right now but I think shes getting a new tooth. So I understand. And the baby is good. I am doing so good with this pregnancy. I have only gained 5 pounds so far(according to my scale anyway). But my Opa is not doing good. And today my mom told me that they don't think he is going to make it home because he cannot walk or stand. She said that it took 3 nurses to get him to the bathroom. There is no way the family will be able to do that. We are having a hard time getting just 1 person to be with him all the time there is no way 3 will be able to do it. So it looks like he will be staying in the hospice center. It is a really nice place. It doesn't smell and it doesn't feel like a nursing home, but I don't like it. When I saw him on Saturday he was having a hard time staying awake. My heart is breaking.

Every time we are making progress and I think ok this is ok, we are going to make it. He goes and makes such a huge ass out of himself and I cant stand to look at him. Is it wrong of me to wish that just once mil would say well you are doing such a good job being a mom that I am not going to say anything.

Funny pic

Is this not the best pic ever!

Carmencita

Today I have a funny story to tell! My twin got married on sat and I changed out Carmen's earrings for the wedding. I went to put them back yesterday and I could not find one of them. Then I remembered the day before I had stood Carmen up against the coffee table so she could watch her show and I could wash some dishes and I looked back to check on her and she was chewing on something so I ran over and scooped a penny out of her mouth. At the time I thought nothing of it. Well actually I thought "if she craps out two dimes and a nickel then you can worry". But when I went to change her earrings back and one was missing I thought I bet she ate one of them before I got to her. So I got her poopy diaper out of the trash and checked it, no earring, plenty of gags though. And I kept checking every time there was poo in her diaper, seemed like every time I changed it there was poo in it. I think she did that on purpose. At the end of the day I was getting her ready for bed and I changed her poopy diaper and sure enough there was an earring in there. EWWWWWW. So I took it out and boiled it forever, then I scrubbed it with soap. She is now wearing pretty gold earrings and I have a HILARIOUS story to embarrass her with. That turd can you believe it. And then tonight she tried to eat one of the ones I took out today ( you think I would have learned my lesson and put them away or not left her standing at the coffee table).

P.S. I give up trying to anonamize us

The Husband (of my dreams)

Well Hubby is feeling and acting much better. Right now he is putting Baby to sleep, singing to her along with her music. And I didn't have to ask him to do it. He had a follow up visit today with his Dr. and She said we do need to up his dose but she thinks he is on the right medication. I am so happy. He is much more like the Hubby I married. He is in a better mood more often. He still has his moments but its better. And he is helping out now. Today I was so tired he brought her to me to feed her, then he gave her her breakfast and did the dishes and got stuff ready for the day. All without me asking. And he let me sleep. He never lets me sleep. Its like he thinks if I can't sleep neither can she. But not any more. I really love him a lot. The last 2 years have been rough but now I understand and its getting better. It is helping both of us to feel better.

I started writing this days ago but am just now finishing it.

Sean is acting so much better. He is like a different person. He is helpful and understanding and appreciative and getting better and better every day. Now when I go off on him ( the preggo hormones are kicking in) he takes it and apologizes for whatever hes done. We can hold a whole conversation without arguing. I feel like I am falling in love all over again. Also he got a job. He started Monday and he likes it so far. But its helping him too. Because he feels like a man now. He is our provider. It is such a relief. And even though I miss him and there have been many times where I wish he were home so he could take care of Carmen its nice to have alone time. And to see him gaining self confidence. I am so happy. For him and for me.

Louie-cito

Well we had our first Dr. visit for #2. We found out we are 14 weeks along. We find out what we are having in 6 weeks. We also found out we will have to have a C-section but its ok we were expecting it. We got the cutest pics of new baby with tiny arms and hands. I can't wait to meet new baby.

Also today I felt #2 kick for the first time.

#2 is kicking my butt with back pain. And Hubby is far from understanding because "My back hurts so bad ALL the time" So he has no sympathy for a preggo. What an ARSE...am I right.

All the thoughts in my head

I feel like I am on a roller coaster right now. First I feel GREAT (great for me) and then the next day I can barely get out of bed. I hate that. I want stability. I want to be stable.

On Sunday someone was talking about love and how it can help you overlook flaws. I needed to hear it because I have been focusing on how irritating MIL is and I need to be the bigger person. She is not going to change because no one has ever made her behave herself. Any bad behavior is excused by "oh its a Jones thing" or "grandma was just like that" as if its ok to hurt people because your mom did that too or its something you have done your whole life. Any way I am getting off topic. She is going to continue being MIL no matter what I say so I have to find a way to deal with it. I think she is trying because last time I saw her she did nothing in particular, but I still came away wanting to shoot myself in the head. It was little things. Her cutting the banana up smaller after I gave it to baby. is it just me or is that rude? I feel like it was her trying to be controlling because she knows better. I think I just need a break. I can't get a break from them.

Also it made me think do I always have to have someone to complain about? because it seems like there has always been someone like this in my life. At all times. So is it me? Or is it something about me? Is it that I attract people who want to control me? How can I stop this.

Thursday Hubby has a Dr. appointment. YAHOO. He is going to get some drugs. Finally. He is in a bad mood ALL THE TIME. it is daunting to think that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone who is always unhappy. I don't know what I am going to do if it doesn't work or if he wont take it. I have so much hope that this will help him. What if my expectations are too high. Hes just so depressed he can't function, nothing makes him happy. I don't know what to do for him. Here's hopin'.

Oh and in lighter news I got the address on my DL updated today (finally) and I went in to do it because the pic on my last one was SOOO BAD despite the fact that I tried hard to get a good one. It was scary bad. So I told the lady I came in because the pic was so bad and I showed it to her. After she took the pic she said Its better....and it was. So much better. YAY. 6 to 8 weeks and I will have a DL with a pic that looks like me. The last one was so bad it looked like a different person. Although I think that's because I feel like a different person now. I do feel better that I've felt for a long time. Even though I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Ok well that was long enough and if you made it here you really must love me so thank you.

MILisms

I have a really good one today. MIL is always telling us what to do and how to do everything right? Well one subject that really gets me is food for Baby. We give Baby pumpkin seeds. She loves them and they are easy to clean up, they don't stain and they are good for her, no sugar no carbs nothing bad. Well MIL and SIL both have a problem with it. Not that I care because neither of them have raised a valid concern. SIL said that the seeds could scratch Baby's intestines. What a joke. Well any way we went to MILs on friday so that we wouldn't have to see them the rest of the weekend and of course she was telling me what to feed Baby. She said to give Baby Cheerios because they had very little sugar and she wont choke on them because they have the little hole in the middle. I started laughing because that's funny right but no she wasn't joking. She was serious. What did I get myself into? I didn't need to be warned about marrying Hubby I needed to be warned about MIL. How stupid to you have to be to think you couldn't choke on a cheerio because it has a hole in it.

Also I was very pissed about this: PIL bought a duplex for Hubby and I to live in. We paid $475 for a deposit. We just got our deposit back....that's right all $9 of it. MIL sent a bogus list of expenses. $138 for cleaning-But I know we left that place way cleaner than when we moved in. And MIL is so obsessed with saving money and not being wasteful that I would think she would let us know if there was a problem with something so WE wouldn't have to pay 140 dollars that we didn't have. ( I had plans for that money we were going to use it to go to Belton ) $36 for a "pet deodorant" which is retarded because that place had the worst old house smell I have ever smelled. $26 for cleaning supplies. What kind of cleaning supplies did she buy? $90.63 for damaged screens, now that one I expected because our dogs did finish off the screens. But if they really paid 90.63 for screens than again we got ripped off. Oh and she sent this letter with it saying: Please find enclosed a refund check along with an accounting of your security deposit for the apartment you rented at (address) then it has a lame excuse as to why it was 4 months late and its signed Mom.

I love how she thinks she is so professional. what a joke. She should have just kept her $9. I decided we are not going to say one word about this. Because obviously money is very important to her. We are making 13,000 a year right now versus their making 50,000 but don't worry we will suck up 300$ of bogus charges. I guess I was just raised very differently. It just pisses me off. Because we were not given an option. She spent 300 dollars of our money without letting us know that there was a problem. It is a joke because if shes not telling us how to raise our child and everything we are doing wrong with that than she is telling us how to do our finances. And she doesn't run their finances. She is really bad with money. She can say what she wants but shortly after buying that duplex she was offered 20,000 more than she paid and she turned it down. And it was because she thought she could have gotten more. Even though she would tell you that's not true....it is. I have to stop talking about this because I am getting more and more upset and I could go on all day.

So much is going on right now. Good and not so good but its not that bad yet. Baby is learning new things every day...literally. She can walk around in her walker, is using her pincher really well, can click her toung, kisses the air, waves (but ONLY when she wants to), she demands to be fed real food at least 2 (sometimes 3) times a day, and she loves her mommy best. I am so in love with her I can't wait till #2 gets here.

Hubby and I are getting along good most of the time but his boss hasn't called him in 2 months (hes a contract employee and they call him when needed) so we are having a hard time with that. But at least its not marital problems.

And as for me....this ship is starting to sink. With Baby I was so depressed, more that I had ever been and so far I had been feeling fine but this week I am starting to feel bad. This ship is sinking fast. I am going to make a Dr appointment and get some happy pills because I WILL NOT do this again. And if I sink as low as last time I will miss out on the next 8 or 9 months of Babys life. I do not want that. I am so tired of people. I guess its more that I can not deal with people right now. I have too much of my own crap going on. And most people suck me dry. Wow I am...whats the right word...amused...surprised....see how nuts it is that I can turn into a different person in 1 week. I feel like a different person. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or go anywhere. bleh

Aparently......

I'm Pregnant....again



I am in complete shock. But I am so happy! I feel so different this time. I cant wait. But we are going to hold off telling people for as long as possible. WOW.

Carmencita

Earlier today I changed Babys clothes or something and there was a hanger hanging off the edge and she grabbed it. Shes so grabby, she always has to grab something when I am changing her. The wipes or a sock that hadn't been put away yet. Anyway I brought her into my room because it was my turn to change and she brought her hanger with her and I don't remember what went on after that but just now I got into bed (hours later) and something hard was poking me. It was her hanger. A darn plastic hanger brought a tear to my eye. I love her so much. I wish she could sleep with us forever. I really miss that she doesn't anymore. I always check on her before I go to  bed and she is in her crib sleeping so sweetly. She kicked all her covers off and I tried to put them back on her but shes on top of them so she stirred a little when I pulled on them. I put my finger in her little hand and she was warm so she will be fine but I would be so happy if she were in bed with me right now. Her little nose is so cute. It's like mine, it swoops up. In a cute buttoney kind of way. I can't wait to have another one. I don't care if it is a CS. I will do anything to have another one. My sister was afraid she was preggo again but shes not. I would not care if I was. I do plan to wait a couple of years because I want to enjoy Baby but if we had an "accident" I would be so happy.

MIL

Apparently we are not doing anything right. Last month it was don't give Baby food it will make your milk dry up. And today it was Baby should be eating 3 meals a day not 1. And don't give her the pumpkin seeds she will choke. HFH. I am so irritated and I can't talk to hubby about it. We got into a fight on the way home about it. He says that it makes him resent her more to hear me complain. But that's not fair because I resent her and I have no reason to not resent her. Shes not my mother. When Hubby complains about my mom I say your right She is  a bitch and OCD. But he gets mad. 

Most of the time he was in the other room or outside with FIL but I had to sit with MIL because she wanted to see Baby. GRRR. I Cant Take It. STFU. 

Also MIL was saying how she saw a lady with her grandbaby and she couldn't wait till that was her. That's not going to happen. She is such a dumb bitch. Gees I really hope no one finds this blog. 

(Edited to add) I just remembered something MIL said. She said "you are the center of Baby's universe, I bet you love it". And my thoughts were of course I do but she is the center of mine and I said "well she is the center of mine" but the way MIL said it I know she wishes she were the center of Baby's universe. Not that she would want to take that away from me but I know she wishes she were. When we found out we were having a baby MIL said she wanted us to have a girl so that there was a little girl who loved her. Why is MIL so insecure? She is always saying to Baby " you are so loved" which I find very weird. Or " your mom (or dad) loves you" to baby. Again that is SO weird. Maybe if she showed a little respect for her own children they could respect her and they would be kind to her. I got irritated with FIL today too because Hubby was telling him that MIL is so difficult because everything we do is wrong and FIL said "well she will let you make the decision but she will tell you her opinion" MIL doesn't just tell you her opinion  she tells you "facts" and if you don't believe her and do what she said then you are being disrespectful and in some cases you are killing Baby. Anyway I kind of feel bad for MIL that she is so insecure because you know how bad she must feel about herself. And it helps me to understand with Hubby because he feels the same way. They, for different reasons, don't accomplish very much so they never feel good about themselves. MIL because she is so slow, I am not even kidding about that she takes forever to do anything and is late everywhere. And Hubby because he cant focus. I think he has ADD. anyway they need to be careful because I will not let them effect Baby with their issues. And that goes for myself. My weight issues are MY weight issues. Baby will be allowed to play with Barbies unless it effects HER. not me. I love that little girl so much. No one is going to hurt her in any way. Including me. 

*think good things, think good things*

I am going to put baby to bed and eat some comfort food. 

Later

Long Time Gone

I haven't been posting because I have been feeling better and I have been so busy. My sister came for a visit with her boyfriend so my parents came and they stayed with us. It's nice having them come around. And this visit with my sister was great because she was on her best behavior. Also she is selling her car to us. YAY. I don't have to drive the Vato (I'm sure that's not how you spell it) Mobile anymore. WAHHOOOO. Its an older car. A 93 honda accord but its in great condition. And it was only 1000$ so we got a great deal. 

Hubby and I are doing much better. He is trying again. He gets depressed but he wont tell me about it and so I don't understand why hes behaving a certain way so I take it personal. But hes been trying to talk to me more. And its helping. We have been getting along much better.

I have been trying hard to focus on the good things about MIL so I am feeling better about her too. She is still driving me nuts but I am dealing with it. And I think the space is helping. Also I decided I am going to blog about all the stupid things she says so that when she contradicts herself I can remember it and try to laugh. I think I will be able to laugh about it if I keep trying. The latest thing she contradicted herself on was about Babys eating. She said that Baby shouldn't be eating because my milk was going to dry up but yesterday on the phone with Hubby she asked what Baby was eating and said that's good she should be eating that regular. It still feels like WTF but it has a glimmer of humor in it. I am beginning to see that she is batshit crazy.

Something slightly related I always said that the people who are most opinionated are really stupid (well if you think about it its true because a smart person realizes that just because something worked for them doesn't mean it works for everyone) but I realized that probably for the most part it's really that they just make themselves look really stupid because they wont shut up. 

I am really happy that I am losing weight, well I haven't really done anything about it because I was sick for about 4 weeks but I didn't gain any back. I have lost 7 inches all over. 2 in my waist 2 in my chest (the bra strap area not the boobs) .5 in my neck (weird huh) .5 in my arms 1 on my hips and 1 in my thighs. The one thing I am really trying to do is cut down on sugar big time. I think that's part of why I haven't gained anything back. That and I think the exercise helped my metabolism 

Well we are going to go over to the IL's house later so I will probably have a post tomorrow or tonight.

Ciao for now

oh well

Today has been an odd day. It started off well. Hubby and I doing some volunteer work for an hour then we were told that we could continue what we were doing but that it might be better if we stopped (because of the swine flu). So then we went to Tar.get and picked up some disinfectant wipes and other stuff. I got Baby some sunglasses with a band that goes all the way around her head so she can't pull them off, I hope they work. And on our way out of the store this media person was there and she was trying to take a pic of the empty hand sanitizer shelf. The Lady with her was telling her they don't allow that and not to take the pic which Media lady did anyway and Tar. get lady told her you can't publish those blah blah blah. Well I knew Hubby was going to be upset about that but I went on about my business and out of the corner of my eye I see him pull out his I. phone I knew he was going to do that. Sure enough he comes around the corner to me and all smiley says guess what I just did. I said I know what you did and I don't think its funny. So we got into a HUGE argument that I said MANY times we should discontinue because neither of us were going to change our mind and we were just going to get more and more frustrated. He doesn't get that he has no respect for authority and worse he feels all authority is corrupt. Even the Assistant Manager of Tar.get. And he thinks he is going to change the world by taking a pic of empty shelves at said store and sending them to the local news paper. I don't get it. He was saying when you were young and abused didn't you wish you had stood up for yourself? and I said no it was worse and it didn't help anyway. He said "that's sad". I am just sick of watching him and his mom try to get around the rules every time they don't agree. And I want hubby to realize it's not his place to save the world. We don't have to exact justice because God will. Any way the fight ends with him saying "I don't want to see you for the rest of the day" and slamming the office door. So I cleaned house alone like I always do. And took care of Baby like I always do. Then he comes out and says how sorry he is like he always does. I don't want apology's. I want him to not do the same thing tomorrow. Apology's are always the same thing: I'm sorry but its your fault. And the offending action is repeated regularly. So don't apologise to me, just stop hurting me. Any way we made up and then he says"I am going to be as nice to you today as I possibly can" Ok.....so far that has involved nothing different. I want so little from him. 

1. I want him to love me-check

2. I want him to be nice to me-check

3. I want him to show me he loves me by putting me first and helping me

No check on that one. How hard is it to do some FREAKING dishes? or put your own things away? our house, our nice house is a dump because he not only wont help me keep it clean, he will not even clean up after himself. His towel was on the bed from taking a shower this morning. He didn't change out of his nice clothes for hours after we got home and his excuse is always "I forgot" or "why should I have to do it" Why shouldn't you for that matter Why should I have to do it. I do everything. 

GROW SOME BALLS AND GROW UP BITCH

I feel much better now. Man this stuff has really been bothering me since day one but I could ignore it because he was the only baby I had to take care of but now that Baby is here I cant handle it anymore. And I NEED his help so the poor guy doesn't know what happened to his wife or who this person is. Oh well. I had planned to write a blog about how he isnt that bad because hes really not. He does not abuse me in any way and he does love me and tries to be a better man. I just want him to grow up faster. o well

Carmencita

LOL the cutest little girl in the world has done some shareable things lately.

On Saturday night She wouldst go to sleep. She cried for about 2 hours (off and on) and then she pulled out the big guns. "Da Da" she says. And of course it worked. Hubby went and got her to sleep with us for the night. But me being deathly ill, I didn't want to sleep with Baby because she likes to sleep attached to the spicket all night, literally. So I turned my back after putting baby in the middle. She right away started getting upset, crying and flapping her arms. Then she pulled out the bazooka. "Ma Ma" she says. Clear as a tiny little bell. She never said that before it was always Dada. So I turned over and said I'm not touching you until you say it again. "Mama"  again clear as a bell. OMG How could I not nurse her all night.

I had a bunch of things to post but now I can't remember them. Oh today Hubby put the little stinker in her pack n play to play so we could work and he stood her up so she could hold on to the edge. He said "come in here you have to see this" There she is standing on her own peering over the edge. "talking" to us. AWWWW.

My little Nieceepoo Loves me. Whenever she sees me she wants me. She starts fussing and smiles at me REAL BIG. And she points at me. LOL

Oh well I will have to blog faster if I want to remember

Frivolity

Tag!!!!!!!!!! I love this game! I figured its a good thing to post something not so negative so Here we go!

I'm looking forward to:

1. Getting my yard finished
2. Not being sick
3. Going tubing this summer
4. Cleaning the house with Hubbys help later today
5. Going camping asap
6. Going to the library
7. Losing weight
8. Maybe getting a new pet!

8 things I did yesterday:

1. Finished a book
2. Had pasta
3. Watched Hells Kitchen
4. Yelled at Hubby (yikes) 
5. Took a shower
6. Wow i really didn't do much yesterday being deathly ill
7. Helped Hubby give Baby a bath
8. Threw away some trash

8 things I wish I could do:

1. Relax, I am so tired I want a massage
2. Go on a vacation someplace nice! I want to be someplace else for a little while. I need a change!
3. Get real skinny real fast
4. Make lots of money so we can pay off all our debts
5. Not see ILs for a month
6. Really let loose on someone. I can never tell people how I really feel (except Hubby) I always hold back something
7. Not be depressed
8. Win the LOTTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *This would solve everything*

8 shows i enjoy:

1. Hells Kitchen
2. How I met your mother
3. NCIS
4. CSI
5. Lie To Me
6. Fringe
7. The Real Housewives of Orange County
8. The Real Housewives Of New York (wow I can't believe I found 8 shows I like to watch)

I spent the day with my sister today and had a really nice day. We took our babies on a hike. I knew it was going to be a bit ruff but MAN was it tough going. It was a good thing we both had jogging strollers. We would not have made it without them.  

Then we went to a plant nursery that has plants that are native or adaptive to our area. I got 4 plants and can't wait to plant them. I am really loving my yard. Anyway then we went to her house and planted some plants she had and then ones she got. We just hung out for a while and it was very nice. I have such a nice time with her now. She helps me see a different perspective. 

It's funny how 2 people go through the same thing (childhood) and come out with different stories. Well I guess we basically have the same story but different versions completely. She talks about how I was favored by my mom, and I was for a while when I was little. But it changed by the time I was 11 or so. Well before that. But I had forgotten about that. All I was able to remember was the bad times. It's alot easier when you think your parents love you. 

 She is so different since she had her Baby. She thinks it's me (I don't think so but could be part of it) but shes so different. Shes so nice and caring in a non judgemental and loving way. It's like shes  a different person. I love her alot. And I am so happy we moved back here. 

But I had a long day and I am going to go to sleep 

Goodnight Void

I feel pretty blah today. It's raining a little bit today. I used to LOVE the rain. It got me all excited. But since our house flooded I really haven't felt that way. It's more of a depressant now. I still love it but I can't seam to get motivated on rainy days. I am totally overwhelmed today. The house is a MESS. And we have company coming tomorrow. I am happy they are coming. They are my good friends and they havent seen our new house. (its raining again) But there's dirty dishes from *gulp* last weekend still. I guess I am pretty tired. And we've spent A LOT of time working in the yard. Hubby built a raised bed for our garden and I helped. We've been planting stuff in the front yard and its going to look GREAT when we finish. I LOVE this house and feel like its mine (we are just renting) so I want to take pride in it. Inside and out. But I can barely take care of baby right now. I am so depressed. I HATE that. I am sick of being depressed.  I have every reason to be happy. We are doing so much better in every way right now but I am still depressed. How can you be happy and depressed at the same time? It isn't right. I not really upset with MIL anymore. Unless someone has built a time machine it's over and done so theres nothing I can do to save my milk. So I have to just get over it. Baby just woke up from her nap so I have to get her

THanks void

It's a new day and I'm feelin' good

   Today was a Great day. I got my hair cut. I love getting a good cut. And when I got home Someone had painted our office and done dishes. Well blow me down. It means so much when Hubby listens like that. Then we went on a walk. Gotta get our exercise. I am doing great on my diet. 

  We painted the office a pinky salmon color called Cheery. It really is cheery. I am going to get good work done in here when its all finished. It's such a happy pretty color. I am lovin it.

    

My Baby Girl

My baby is the cutest best baby in the world (except yours of course). She was so good today. Through Daddy's haircut, the bank, lunch, clothes shopping and food shopping she never cried. She smiled at all the strangers who talked to her and then fell asleep in the grocery store. She smiles more than she cries. I love her more each day. How could you not love this

Shes discoverd her toung. She licks alot. It's funny. And weird. 

Bits of everything

Today was a long day. Baby Girl tried to get me up early so I put her in her exersaucer. I can usually catch a few more mins of sleep that way. But despite my begging the day grew and I was forced to get up. 

  

     We found out that we qualified and received food stamps today. I am so relieved and ashamed. We need the help desperately, we usually have to let something slide to buy groceries so this is a weight off my chest. But I feel like a failure. And I feel like a loser who has tons of kids and is on welfare (even though I only have one) because they are too lazy to work. But I do work and I work HARD. And as soon as I don't need help I will stop taking it. But anyway we went food shopping. We are on the Atkins diet and to stay on it you need stuff you can eat. So we got everything that we could have that looked good. It was so nice to say yeah lets get those 10 low carb tortillas for 7 dollars and do they have another package. Tonight we ate like kings. I feel so satisfied. And for the first time in years I feel like this diet is going to work. Also I got an outfit for this weekend. A nice black skirt and a cute top. But the best part is they were a whole size SMALLER. That's right I have lost a dress size in a week and a half. But I have been taking this diet seriously. I've been exercising almost every day and have been very careful about what I am eating. 

    Also I was supposed to get some work done and still haven't finished it. I keep having Internet problems. It's finally working now. Just so you know I am not slacking off right now. I am transferring files. It's taking forever.

    Wow I am making LOOONG posts but this is more of a journal than a blog. And it pretty much ensures that no one is reading it. Also the fact that I've only been posting for two days does too. 

     I have a few blogs I follow and most of them are really good poster/bloggers. Their posts are so interesting. And visually pleasing. Also they usually stick to one topic.  So I will do that the next post....I will try anyway. 

New Beginings

I have a blog with Live Journal where I intended to vent my joys and frustrations to the void that is the Internet. You know...You can have your say without having to defend yourself to anyone you know. But hubby started linking my blog to his...and people read his....people we know. I don't care if anyone reads this in real life but in Ambyland...my world someone does and understands how I feel. But they don't know me. So I can say what I want and I don't have to censure myself. So I decided to start fresh...here. I plan to share my greatest joys and my greatest sorrows. so here goes nothing.

I am having marital problems. Not horrible but still depressing. And I know that part of it is my hormones but part of it is not. My hubby is a wonderful person. But he needs to grow up. Before baby it didn't bother me but now I don't have the energy to deal with it. I am ready for him to grow up now and hes not. I feel like a single mom. I do 90% or more of the child care. Obviously I feed her I play with her I comfort her I get her up in the mornings I change her (Hubby might change her once or twice in a day) I do everything (that's how I feel). And when I ask Hubby to do something he usually huffs like a 10 year old when asked to feed the dog or take out the trash or do his homework. It instantly pisses me off. And I think it would be easier if I were a single mom. But I know that it wouldn't because I love Hubby very much. And I'm not lonely. I was always lonely before I met him. I use to cling to the mantra "he will grow up, he will grow up" but that's not enough any more. I need to get this off my chest because its poisoning me. Sometimes I don't love him anymore. But I do. Sometimes I wish I hadn't married him. But I can't imagine my life with out him. And my baby. I would do anything for her. Shes my greatest Joy. How do I get past this? (not her, him) I don't want to be a single mom. But sometimes he makes me SO MAD. 

I feel better now. Thanks void