Therapy (written weeks ago)

Last week in therapy Nancy asked why I wasn't feeling better even though I was doing all the stuff we talk about. (I really do all the stuff) I thought about it all week and when I had my appointment with her this week I was able to tell her that I was feeling better. I found out the 2 most important things for my mental health are sleep and not feeling sorry for myself. My life is wonderful right now but it is hard too. I have 2 small kids, and a husband that I love very much but neither of those things are easy.

I have been feeling so much better this week. Not letting myself feel sorry while still being nice to myself. I am trying to make some time for me. I ask for more. And its really helping. And the sleep. I require a lot of sleep. When I sleep more than 10 hours I feel FANTASTIC. Its hard to do with kiddos but I need to remember. 

I am feeing so much better that I am going to get up and clean the house right now at 7:30 am before I go for surgery. Now that is good. I did all my morning routine so far and cleaning the house for the day has become a part of it. I really like that. I hate having a dirty house.  

Today is the day

Today is the day

The surgery is scheduled for 10 am this morning

I AM SO EXCITED

But I am having a little anxiety

What if it doesn't work

What if something goes wrong

What if it hurts really bad

You know

Its worth the risk 

But I have anxiety

Yesterday I went to the dollar store to pick out regular sunglasses 

It was fun

I got 3 pair

I have everything ready

Meds

Sunglasses

Folder

I had a bad dream that was almost a nightmare that my sister was late picking me up

It woke me up

I am going to go do some relaxation exercises now

No hospital for this girl

Pretty sure Abilify is not right for me

I am not going to keep taking it any more

The last time I did that I ended up in the hospital

Hopefully I can get in at my Drs office soon

Tomorrow I am going to garden my heart out along with 500 a few phone calls

Where I've Been

I know you guys can't tell I've been gone but I was gone for 4 days. I was in a Crisis Stabilization Unit. It was a nicer version of a mental hospital. (BTW They put me in there under a protective order so I can never buy a gun for the rest of my life) I went to see my therapist and she asked if I would consider it. I was so tired of feeling depressed that I said yes. So 8 hours later I ended up in the back of a police vehicle in shackles being driven 2 hours away. 

That was the worst part. I was pretty angry that they shackled me because I volunteered to do it and I had never been in handcuffs before, forget shackles. And the first night was hard but after that I was glad that I was there. It was just like any hospital except you can get up and do stuff (with supervision) but you can't go to the bathroom without having someone unlock the door. I think I was the least crazy person there. They changed my meds and I definitely feel better. I think I have a better perspective on reality. Hearing everyone else's stories, I realize my life is really good. I may get down on myself that we don't own our own home and that we have debt.  But those are dumb things to be depressed about. The others there had real issues. One lady had lost 4 babies by the age of 25. She was there for drugs. Another woman was there because her boyfriend cheated on her and left her without saying a single thing. She was so crushed. There was an older man there who reminded me of my Papa. He had hairy arms and a bald head just like my papa. He was super crazy but I still wanted to hug him ( I didn't) He was a little scary. He was telling me he knew that one of the nurses had killed more people than he could count. My roommate had such severe anxiety she only said 2 intelligible words to me. She would only get out of bed if someone made her. Most of the people there had hurt themselves or tried to kill themselves. 

In all of the therapy sessions the kept saying recovery is 30% meds 30% therapy and 40% willingness. I am there. I want to up my therapy sessions. At least for a few weeks. My mom will be in town so she will watch my babies for me. They also said a lot about poor poor me syndrome. I told my dad he is never allowed to tell me that but that I realized I need to stop pitying myself. 

I feel (and hope) that this is a changing point of my life for me.    

Also I got to rest and I didn't have to cook or clean and I got to pee alone. It was so nice. I think I really needed that. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I know I will. 

Therapy

So yesterday I had a therapy session and the therapist asked me why I can't cry. Because I cry every time I go to her office. I hate it. I told her how private I am. And then I told her how my mom would keep doing what ever it was she was doing until she made you cry and then she was happy. I had several small breakthroughs. I don't like talking about those things because they bring up feelings that I don't need to remember but if it helps me to be happy I am willing to go there. 

I feel so cliche. Everything I say and do in there and how I feel. I bet therapists get so sick of hearing the exact same thing. 

"I dont want you to think bad of my parents/mate"  

All of it. 

Its awkward for me so I am going to call my therapist Nancy from now on. 

Nancy did say she thinks I am "hyper vigilant" with my emotions. I am not sure what that means.

I am excited to be in therapy. I want to get better so much. I am willing to do anything. And the short period of time I was not depressed I had a friend who was basically being my therapist. 

At this moment I wish I were someone else but I am working on that. 

I also understand better why I cannot handle criticism. 

We had to have the house perfectly clean and one time when I cleaned my moms bathroom I missed a leaf from a plant. She said that all the work I did was for nothing because I had miss that one tiny thing. So when someone says you did great except for this one thing I hear so your work means nothing. 

I knew that was how I felt but now I understand it better.

I know this post is crazy but you should be in here with me.   

The Bloggess

Well last night was interesting

I got to go but there was only standing room by the time I got there. Which was fine I really wanted to see Jenny because she reminds me to find joy in the little things and where ever you can. The part of her book that she read was ridiculously funny, of course. But when it came time to meet her I waited for about 30 minutes and then realized that if I stayed and met her I would start crying. In fact I did cry and I hadn't even met her yet. I had my own bathroom party. So when I stopped crying I went down stairs and got myself a 2$ bookmark instead of the 26$ book. I don't have a place to keep books in my tiny house and I wouldn't be able to display it anyway. I love my new book mark. And when I look at it from now on I will think of Jenny and being furiously happy. And that was the whole point for me

Afterwards we went with The ILs to dinner at Red Robin and I took a photo in the bathroom of myself because I keep forgettting to the the one from Sean.

THis is NOT a pregnancy picture. I repeat this is NOT a pregnancy picture. It's just a look how much weight I've lost picture.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with everything from last night and I cant explain it but . . . .  

Its ok.

Today I had dental work done and More is getting done tomorrow so I am going to go to bed.

Good night

Meanderings of my mind

Sean gets irritated with me because I run from subject to subject (its a woman thing, at least in my family) when we are talking. I can't help it. I talk to a small mumbler all day. She responds to me but most of the time I have no idea what she is saying. I wonder if she thinks the same thing about me. 

I had a post all planned out in my head yesterday but because I have such a bad memory I cannot remember what it was. 

Yesterday I was telling a guy I work with how bad I feel for my dad because I am doing a bad job working for him. My friend (M) suggested that it was my meds making my mind not work and could I get off of them and take herbal meds instead. So I explained how bad I was. I told him that I was going to kill myself and that the kids would be ruined so I was going to kill them too. And thats why I got help. And that I needed my meds for the safety of my family and myself. He was so nice about it. He told me that I can only do what I can do and just keep trying. I don't think he had any idea. He made me feel better.