MILisim

Tonight MIL was eating her multi bean salad when she picked up a garbanzo bean and says "I was watching The Doctors show and they said that these are like that little blue pill"

If I hadn't been sick I would have said that Sean doesn't need any because hes as hard as a rock. But I just looked at Sean. WTF.

It is amazing how she has no filter. She says whatever comes into her mind. No matter what it is.

Sean

I want to talk about Sean today.

We met and 14 weeks later we got married. We fell in love at first sight. I was not the kind of person that believes in that. But i really did love him from the first moment that I saw him.

It hasn't been perfect. There have been a few moments where I thought What did I get myself into. But for the most part. I has been wonderful. Especially since strattera came into our lives. Well no, it was so great until I got pregnant. I go *batshit* a little crazy. But now somehow we have pulled it back together with the help of our friends pristiq, celexa and strattera.

I love that man so much. He is not perfect but he is just right for me. Every morning before he leaves for work he gives me a kiss. And sometimes a hug. It's a great way to start the day. He holds my hand at night. Even in his sleep.

He is a good provider. He makes me laugh. And hes a great kisser. What more could a woman want?

I see every day he tries to do something to make me happy. Yesterday I noticed that he was careful how he responded to me, even though I am sure he was annoyed with me. Little things like that make my heart sing.

I love him

What a pisser

Sean and I were having such a good day today Until I told him that I feel like life is worth living again finally. Then he told me " good. The kids love you a lot" Like he was saying you have a lot to live for. WTF. I am not choosing to be depressed or suicidal. What is the matter with him. Then he gets all defensive about it. Instead of saying I am sorry or thats not what I meant. He said "I said it was good. You are focusing on 1 little thing" It makes me feel like he doesn't care, because this is a big deal for me. To feel like life is not worth living is a bad feeling. To feel like it is worth living is a great feeling. And he said the first trite thing that came to his mind because he would rather look at his gun magazine than think about his wife.

P.S. this is my 100th post

I love the weekend

I am doing much better. Not "symptom free" but I have good points every day now instead of being down all day. I am feeling happiness. But I am still having a hard time thinking. If it stays the same or (crossing fingers) gets better, I can do this. Life is worth living.

This morning I stumbled out of bed to sneak some coffee before the kids woke up. They had a mirror (i moved it after this) next to the door (their door was an outside door and it has a window in it) so I can see in to check on them. I saw Carmen in the mirror. I didn't think she would be able to see me because it was the tiny bottom corner. So I watched her playing with her hat. She would put it on her head and shake her head around. I love watching her when she thinks she is all alone. Anyway the little turd turned her head and saw me. I had to go in and get her. She was sitting in her bed Naked. She had taken off her diaper. She normally gets out of bed as soon as she sees but this time she didn't. I should have known. She said "I wet my bed". I told her it was ok and we would just wash her sheets. She REALLY wet the bed. Even her pillow was wet. I folded all of it up into her fitted sheet and stuffed it in the washer. And I did all of it before my first sip of coffee.

Heres one for making 2011 my bitch. Sean is going to do some work in trade for a hotel room and a nice dinner for our anniversary. I am SO excited. We didn't go anywhere for our honeymoon, and we have never had to money to go somewhere for our anniversary's but for our 6th we will. I cannot wait.

I am so frustrated. MIL was supposed to pick up C today. I planned my day around it. I didn't put C down for a nap because she wakes up in a bad mood. I was planning on vacuuming after C left. I am so irritated. Now at 5:15 MIL finally calls and says she will be here around 7 or 8. 7 or 8. The kids go to bed at 7. I go to bed at 8. We had planned to have a "date" nite since we would only have 1 child. We were going to order in and watch tv together. Boring i know but we don't get to do that with L very often. Now I have to figure out something for C to eat. Give them baths. I was counting on MIL today for a break. Now I feel ungrateful and even more stressed than I did before she told me she would take C for me. WTF. If this was a 1 time thing it would be mildly annoying but it's not. And you would think that at some point I would stop counting on her because this happens ALL THE TIME, but I don't.

GRRRRR

I have to go take some calming breaths and fix C dinner

edited to add: last week MIL told me to tell my uncle to install the bathroom heater and to tell him that whenever Louis takes a bath his penis gets really tiny. Is it just me or is that really stupid?

Today is

Today is a strange day. I feel good and bad all at once. I am having a good day and a bad one at the same time. I had to tell my MIL that I am on 2 meds today and I am not happy about it. I am sure that she is going to have something to say about it in a week or two. It is very frustrating to feel like a naughty child when you are an independent adult.

That is all because my brain is not working.

I Just

I just discovered Ebooks. I can borrow them from my library. This is so great because it's pretty hard for me to get out of the house and the few times I have been able to get to the library I have not been able to look for a book for myself because I have 2 babies and it makes Carmen mad to be drug out of the kids area and to have to wait on me to pick something. What usually happens is I end up just grabbing something off the shelf with out looking at it to see if I would like it or I go home with no books for me at all. So this is super great. I can browse at my will and borrow as I read them. I am happy about this. I have been missing reading. A LOT.

The Difference

The difference between having 1 child and 2 is HUGE. Carmen has been gone 2 days and I feel like I am on vacation. It has nothing to do with how much I love her or miss her its just, I have me time. When I put Louis down for his nap...I can do whatever I want, for hours. He takes a 3 hour nap in the morning and in the afternoon.

For example heres how this morning went: 8am I got up got the boy his bottle, changed his diaper and then we cuddled on the couch for a while. Then I got his breakfast and fed him then in his bed he goes for his morning nap. I have from 9:30 until 12 to clean and do my own thing.

I plan to get a lot of little things done while Carmen is gone.

It seem like lately I am having bad anxiety about leaving the house at all and when I have to take the babies by myself it is almost impossible for me to overcome it.

If its not 1 thing its another. I just want to get better. I am tired of living this way. I have to fight myself. Its a never ending battle and I am so tired. Oh well. I may not win everytime but I am going to keep fighting. I know I am cheesy, its just a part of who I am.

Obligatory 2010 post

Here it is. My year end review.

While 2010 was not the worst year of my life it was a hard and difficult year. It was like someone exploded a crazy bomb in my head. I guess you could say the year was a success because the kids and I are still alive. And I am not making a joke. I scared myself so bad. I thought so much about killing myself and them, (because I thought that they would be worse off without me) That I am glad that year is over and we are all still here. Reading that over makes me cry because of how true it is.

My goals for 2011

1. Get a little less crazy
2. Exercise more
3. Have more fun with the babies
4. Keep my house cleaner
5. Do a better job working for my dad
6. Make Sean fall a little more in love with me ( I am a really good wife)

I don't want to make any more specific goals like loose 50 pounds or stuff like that because if I fail it devastates me (you are warned I AM CRAZY).

I joined the band together thing Aunt Becky is doing because I would love to have a bigger support group. My family, I am the luckiest person in the world. My family has helped me so much. All of them. Even the ILs. And they probably don't even know. My dad has taken so much pressure off of me workwise. My mom has tried to be really supportive (its really the first time shes ever been here for me) My sister, I love her so much. My Husband He tries to do something for me everyday. I love my family so much. It's just me now. I am the crazy one. My life is exactly what I want right now except for 1 thing...me.

Anyway *wipes the tears away* I am going to make 2011 my bitch. This is going to be the best year of my life.

Happy New Year

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Carmencita

Carmencita went this weekend to stay with her Mumsie and Totto. For 3 whole days possibly longer. While I will miss her I am so excited. Alone time with Louie. And more alone time with Sean. And even just alone time for me. I cannot wait. Tuesday I am going to go shopping. Our sheets ripped so I have to buy more. I am going to try to get stuff done and get some rest hopefully. Its a mini vacation. I will miss the little imp though. I love her to death.

She was so excited to go that as soon as she saw my mom she turned to me and said bye and waved.