My Sister

I got a text last night from my sister

It said: Niece just asked how she got in my tummy when she was little.

I replied "Bahahahahahahahahaha"

Today she told me that her husband explained to their daughter that "it was a result of intercourse"

Niece said "intercourse?" and tapped her chin

I swear that kid is almost 3 going on 20

Well my mom has been here for a week now and my house is CLEAN

We have been going room by room cleaning and organizing

Right now we are working on the laundry room

We have it half done, its been the hardest room yet.

I am feeling so much better having my mom here

Other than being tired I feel good

I am nervous that when she goes home I will feel worse again

but for now I feel good

The kids room was super gross but it was pretty easy

We took everything out of their room and went through it

We got rid of more than half of the stuff in the kids room

It is so clean and nice

the kids LOVE it

Carmen kept going in her room and saying "WOW"

Or "its so pretty mommy, thank you"

I am trying not to feel sad that its been so bad 

I am dead tired

I am going to sleep

My mom is on her way from mexico.

She should be here in a few hours. 

I am so relieved.

I need her help so much. 

My house is disgusting.

I cannot get it clean

And its not because I am a neat freak

I'm not

I am feeling like I do not have the emotional strength to clean

I got a call back from MHMR

But the earliest appointment they had for me is july 11

and that is just for financial classification

I need help now

  

Me-ness

Yesterday we got to go on a date. It was so nice. We ate the most amazing indian food. Then we went to the mall and got Sean his beauty products. Its funny because he is so spoiled now. He uses Lush shaving cream and face soap. He is such a diva. And then we went to get him some jeans because his jeans are literally falling off of him.

But I am having a horrible day. I have been doing worse and worse lately. I feel so heartbroken all the time. So tired and like I cannot breathe. What is wrong with me? Nothing is helping. 

I was trying to explain how I felt to Sean but he doesn't get it. 

I feel like I can't do it any more. 

My house is such a pig sty. I can't stand it.

My whole world is tainted shades of gray

I hate gray

I love vibrant color

Does anyone else loose all of their patience with their babies?  Sometimes I yell at them and every time it kills me. It is totally unacceptable to me but I can't help it. 

It makes me feel like such a shitty mom and person. 

Carmencita

The other day I was changing a Louie diaper that really stank

I called him a stinky turd (its a term of endearment)

And Carmen who is always interested if it stinks (she will drag over a chair so she can put her face right in the stink) said to herself "sinky turd" 

and then she points to her daddy and said "your a sinky turd daddy, Daddys a sinky turd" 

I could not stop laughing but Sean was like what is going on

He laughed when I told him what she was saying

And another funny thing she did recently was:

I was cooking so I was kind of not paying attention to her when I hear her yell "Bitch"

So since I was in the other room I started laughing

Sean was like WHAT

Turns out she was telling him she wanted him to take her fishing and he was telling her no they couldn't go right now when she yelled bitch

But what she really said was Beach

She wanted Daddy to take her fishing at the beach

But she has a really high pitched squirrel voice so it is very funny when she says a bad word

Today was all over the place for me.

I was so happy and excited that my sister is home

but my Dr appt did not go as planned 

He is referring me to a psychiatrist 

But then this evening a good friend met me at the gym and we got to talk

I love my friend

She is so kind

And the best listener I know

I am not sure how I feel about the psychiatrist

I know that its probably good

But I am frustrated because I want to feel better NOW

I DID IT!

I went to the gym! I think tomorrow I am going to be sore but I am so proud of myself. I was having a panic attack about going but I did it anyway.

Go Amber, Go!

Today I realized that stage of the diet that sucks.

The honey moon is over and this is no longer the best diet in the world

I keep thinking about pizza and cake

But I know I will get past this

I am just going to keep on trying

I've lost 9 lbs and 3 inches in my waist

So its worth it

I am just tired

But I didn't have a panic attack today

YAY

I may have cheated on monday when I freaked out

Sean brought us a cheese burger and a small fri

We split the burger and carmen, Sean and I all shared the fries

Then yesterday I ate really careful

And today

I want to go back to the Dr and him to be happy with my effort

I am

Right now I am having a mild panic attack

My skin feels like its vibrating, my lips are tingley and numb and I feel like I can't breathe

I don't know why

It had already started before I called the Dr office to check on Seans meds. After a month they still don't have them. Even after I called the company and had them fax a refil form and then called the Dr office to make sure they got it and faxed it back. They said someone just put the form into his file. It is so frustrating. It is a low income clinic and they really don't give a shit about you. I love my Dr but his staff sucks. If he wasn't such a good Dr I would go somewhere else. 

It's weird that my body feels like its vibrating but my hand is not shaking

Ok I think it is mostly gone now

The kids are taking a bath

And I am crying. I can't stop. Because Carmen thought I was going to hurt her. 

Here is what happend

Carmen fed kitty and I was mopping the kids room. When I came out Carmen had shit all over her. I went in the laundry room and there was shit on the floor. I thought it was kittys and I got mad. Really mad. I HATE when animals shit in the house. So I threw kitty outside and told carmen to go to the bath room. She got really nervous and started crying. She said "I can't get squanking" (I can't get spanking) I told her she wasn't getting a spanking she was getting a bath. But I could tell she was scared. When I took off her diaper I realized that it was her poop. Her diaper had leaked turds all over the laundry room and thats why it was all over her. She had told me kitty pooped.  And she thought I was going to hurt her.

That makes me so upset. Because I know how she felt. I was terrified of my mom.  I NEVER want carmen to be afraid of me. Lately I have been having a hard time holding my temper. I am working so hard on it so I don't lose it. And I have not spanked out of anger. I have only spanked Carmen once or twice in the last month. I prefer to use time out. anyway. I want carmen to know always that I love her.  I grew up not knowing my mom loved me. she was angry all the time. I do not want to be that way but here I am making my child scared of me.

I am going to screw my babies up

I was having the shittiest day but Sean turned that around ;)

Right now I am relaxing in bed with Michael Bubble' and a glass of wine

The kids are playing in their room

That is great because they wake up too early for me so if they stay up later than bedtime playing. . . Cool

I am going to have a good week

And if I don't go to the gym at least once than I am going to quit

Just the gym

Michael Bubble is so cute 

And I love his voice and songs

I am going to try to go to sleep early so I can get up earlier 

Good night

Carmencita

Carmen has been clingy and needy and tired ALL DAY

I did everything I could to get her to take a nap but NOOOOO

She refused

But just now she fell asleep watching sponge bob in my bed 

I may be slightly annoyed that she waited until almost 5 to take a nap but mostly I am just overflowing with love for her

Also we just started playing a game where I fill my cheeks with air and she squeezes my face and I make a fart noise

We both enjoy it

well last night she was saying "toot mommy, toot" and I had no idea what she was talking about until she started patting her cheeks

Ohhhh you want to play the toot game.

I love her so much