2011

The last 2 years almost killed me. Literally. 2011 was much better for me than 2010 but it still sucked. I guess I did pretty good making it my bitch though. I am better mentally and I lost almost 50 lbs. That's pretty awesome. I didn't think about killing my kids once this year.  

But I don't know how I feel about it ending this way. I feel like something is left undone. I can't explain it. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. 

Oh well

I am going to do even better in 2012. I just know it. I already scheduled our family portraits. I am pretty excited about that. And its not til March so hopefully I will have lost even more weight by then. That would be awesome. I had not scheduled them before because I felt so fat I didn't want documentation of it. And I still feel fat but I feel better. I feel pretty again. 

I am going to keep working on my mental health. I hope one day I will have more good days than bad. I am doing much better than before. But I wish I could do a little better.

I am going to keep working on my physical health. I am so excited about losing weight but the focus is health for me. Exercising for my heart and my kids. Eating right for my heart and kids. I have heart disease on both sides of my family. Its something I will never be able to forget. 

I am going to work on my spiritual health. For the last 7 years I have done the best I could but it was bad. I am reading my bible again. Not every day but that's what I'm shooting for. And being at the meetings. 

Those are going to be the focus of 2012

Beside my family of course

Better

I feel better today. I think its because I slept til 8:30 today. 

It could also be because Sean has a 3 day weekend. I am so excited to spend time with him and not do anything this weekend. I am hoping that I will be able to sleep in 1 morning. He gets to sleep in tomorrow morning. 

Carmen and Louie and I have the squirts today. I am not sure whats causing it but poo is just attracted to me. It follows me everywhere. I heard that gurgley fart coming from Louie and I knew I had to change that diaper quick. So I picked him up and ran to the diapers. I was too late. I got poo everywhere. He was so upset. And so was I. But its ok it got me cleaning.

My parents are going to stay with us monday and tuesday nights. I always feel so bad because my mom is a clean freak. Everything has to be "just so". She is very kind to me when she comes but I feel like I am letting her down. Its really not that dirty right now so I know I can do this. Maybe this time it will be good enough.

I am going to start cleaning right now

Tired

I may not make it through today. I slept so bad last night. And the night  before. I got up at 6 this morning because Carmen decided to get up and come in my room. I couldn't go back to sleep. I am so tired. 

All I want to do is eat til I explode and sleep.

I want mexican food and chinese food.

And doughnuts

And about 48 straight hours of sleep

Better

I feel better today! I had a shitty day all day yesterday until about 4 pm. I felt like I wasn't gonna make it till Sean got home. So I told myself I was going to clean until I felt better. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the floors and picked up the living room before I felt better. I played with Louie. I am going to do it again today. I am feeling much better. 

I am taking mucinex because I have some congestion. It makes my lady bits smell. Its funny to me. Every time I pee I laugh.

I didn't do anything fun with the kids yesterday so I am going to make up for that. We are going to spend time outside and paint the bathtub again.

I hope everyone has a good day today!

Shit

I am having a shitty day. Both literally and figuratively. I am in my bed with louie watching mclintock, I can't stop crying. Its ok though because its been quite a while since I felt like this. I feel liek the worst mother because I am putting this on my kids. I can't hide it. It feels a little like I am going to die. My heart keeps skipping a beat. It's my anxiety. (Louis is really digging mclintock) I am going to rest and do some CBT and bible reading. And wash my sheets because Louie just poured a cup of lemonade on them.

Oh and the literally shitty day thing. Louie had a MAJOR blowout in his room. Poop all over the room on the chairs and his bed. It really sucked 

Sad

I am just having a bad day today. My anxiety is pretty high and my temper is too short. I think its because Sean is being such an asshole. Yesterday at his parents house he was complaining about everything. He was the only one complaining. And he kept hurting his moms feelings. He said that he was defending his dad because his dad does so much for his mom and she still nags and picks at him. All I could think was how familiar that sounds. I told him that he was the one who has to change and find a way to get along with his mom because she is not going to change and then he said that it was her problem he wasn't going to give in so she could be selfish. He was acting exactly like her. 

Also every time I make a mistake with the kids in front of him, he acts like I am a horrible mom. I lifted Carmen from her chair after dinner and accidentally scratched her leg. It didn't really hurt her or anything but he was like "You did it AGAIN. EVERY TIME" right in front of his family. 

I am so pissed at him right now. 

The only reason I slept with him last night was because our bed is a memory foam and the only one I would be hurting was myself. 

I am so tired of having the same arguments every time. EVERY TIME. 

Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

I need to just give up for today. This is the most depressed I have been in a long time. I am exhausted. I have a headache. I wish I could drink.

I am sorry to be a downer when everyone else is on a holiday high.

I am done for today

Sadness

10 Years ago today, My great-grandmother died. She was 98 and the most wonderful woman. I have always wished that I had her wisdom. I still miss her a lot. A LOT. 

The day she died, my twin and roommate were out of town so I was home alone. My uncle called me and said that Granny was in the hospital and she had had a heart attack. I was putting on my lipstick when he called back and said that she had had another and died instantly. He asked me to call my mom and sisters. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I was walking into the kitchen and when I passed the front door, I saw someone was there. So as I walked by I just opened it without stopping. It turned out to be my friend Tom, thank goodness. He said "Amber, what happened" so I told him. He asked if there was anything he could do. And I started lauging because my roommates dog had broken a water pipe outside and we had to turn the water off. So I was laughing and crying at the same time. He is a good friend and he fixed it for me. 

From there the rest is a bit fuzzy. I went to the hospital to be with my family and we ended up at grannys house. In her fire safe lock box among the documents and whatever else she had in there, She had written notes to her 2 children telling them she loved them more than they would ever know. I still tear up whenever I think about it. 

The next thing I remember clearly is the viewing. I knew I didn't want to see her but everyone kept telling me that she looked so peaceful. What they failed to mention is that she looked dead too. So I went in to see her and couldn't handle it. I was in the entry of the funeral home on a couch crying for the rest of the time I was there. When my older sister came I told her not to go in there but people were telling her the same thing, that granny looked so peaceful. So she went in and right away she came out crying. She kept saying it wasn't right, that there should not have been a viewing. 

The rest is a blur. 

I really miss her. I would have named Carmen after her but I don't like the name Pearl. Its just not for me. 

I am going to call my grandmother

And I am going to hold my children. 

And I am not going to be sad today

Lazy today

Today Sean is off work and home with me. The kids are at the IL's. We are having a date day. We went to breakfast and ran a few errands and now are watching tv together. I love it. I even got to sleep until I woke up this morning. I love that. I really miss waking up naturally. 

I am baking coconut bread. Its a little like corn bread but with coconut instead. It smells FANTASTIC. I love baking so much and I miss it since its pretty hard to find low carb recipes for cookies and cakes. But this bread is perfect. 

It is just a slow calm relaxing day and I am soaking it in.

I think I might take a nap.

Junk

Today I am crazy tired. And I have a headache despite taking something for it. But other than that I feel pretty good. I started exercising yesterday. Carmen is doing it with me. We are doing 10 minutes of pilates (don't laugh) and 10 to 15 of stretches. My abs are hurting today. Not killer but its there. Probably my legs are going to hurt tomorrow because I did legs today. Its fun exercising with Carmen. Even though she is a hindrance more than anything. 

I am still working on getting Seans meds from his Drs office. Its going on 7 weeks now that I have been calling and asking them to refax stuff for me. I am done with them. 

Anyway We are going to have another pajama/movie day. We are sitting on the couch with my fuzzy blanket watching Jungle Book 2. 

Milestones

Oh My God

I lost 3 more pounds and now Im under 200

I never thought I would be under 200 again. The first time I saw the scale go over 200 I said goodbye to the smaller version of myself. I am ecstatic to be under 200. I feel like I have just won a HUGE award. Thank you, thank you *takes a bow*  The biggest part of it is that I don't feel like its been that hard. It was not as hard as I thought. I mean it took work but I really didn't think I would be able to lose weight long term and keep it off. But now I know that I will. I just know I am not going to gain back the 49 lbs that I lost because I have made maintainable lifestyle changes. I have not gone hungry or done a type of diet that leaves you feeling desperate to eat. Although I watched a documentary called Fat, sick and nearly dead that I totally recommend. I  want to do a juice fast for a week. Not to lose more weight but for the micronutrients and detox. But anyway I am amazed at myself. I think now the goal (other than continueing to eat right) is to exercise at least 10 minutes a day. I know that may not do much but it will get me in the habit of exercising regularly. I know for my heart, I need to do that. I have to start now so I wont need a bypass at 50 or any of the other stuff my dad has now. 

Today is going to be a good day, even if my dad is a butthead

Today

I feel a tiny bit better today. I am going to spend as much time with my dad as I can. It sucks how much Sean has been gone. I have hardly gotten to spend any time with him at all and he is leaving tomorrow morning to go see his grandpa. It may be the last time he gets to see his grandpa because grandpa is moving to mexico. Sean and his parents do not believe its safe enough to go anywhere in mexico. So anyway I cannot ask Sean not to go. But I cannot go. I cannot handle it. I used up all of the reserves that I had. I really need a break.

In other news its cold this morning. I love cold weather. 

I am going to spend the day with my mexican brother. Don't worry hes from mexico and he says I can call him that. He calls himself my mexican brother. 

rambling

My dad made it through and he is doing wonderful today. Hes not in any pain at all, but we were told there is very little pain with this procedure. He was already working this morning. 

I am relieved but exhausted. My brain is so fried today. I am not doing anything. But I feel like its something that any normal person would be depressed over so I am just going to ride the wave. It will get better this time. And soon I am sure. 

I wish I could take a nap today but I can't. Carmen wont let me. And now my MIL is on her way here to bring the kids coats. Maybe she will take one home with her. 

I am just going to ramble again. I am feeling a bit more stressed this morning. I woke up before 5:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep. Partly because I had a bad dream. 

I dreamed my twin was getting married and my mom was being a bitch. She was berating my twin for having gained a little weight. It made me so mad I started screaming at her. I have dreams like this occasionally. They used to make me feel empowered but now I just feel sad. So anyway that is staying with me. And a fear my dad is not going to be ok. Also I really miss Sean. He has been gone a week and a half. He will get home today but I need him. I have some work that needs to get done ASAP but the computers are offline. One more thing causing me anxiety. I guess in a few hours it will be over. One way or another.  

I am just going to ramble tonight

This is the first time I have had a moment to myself to process the stuff with my dad and Louis.

I don't know how I feel about any of it

I am glad we are getting Louie help if he needs it. I felt like something wasn't right. Maybe hes just fine and the ST(speech therapist) will find he is just choosing not to speak. I don't know but of course I am unhappy that he may have something wrong. 

And this business with my dad

It is hard because I love my daddy. I don't know what I would do if he died. Or even if he has a major stroke and turns into a vegetable. 

In the big picture my childhood was not a big deal but in the moment, it was very hard and stressful. My dad beat me a few times and was emotionally abusive and pretty absent but when he was there, he was there. I always knew he loved me. And that makes all the rest much easier to get over. I had/have much less resentment for him than my mom. He gets me. He makes me laugh. He tells the stupidest jokes. And I LOVE that about him. I love how he is a huge dork. Probably my dad will be fine. hopefully he will live at least 20 more years. It really sucks because he could have prevented this. If he had practiced what he preached he would not have had to have a quadruple bypass, he would not be diabetic, and he would not be having a  endarterectomy. 

I wish I didn't need sleep. I wish I could stay up all night and just think, but I am so tired. I am feeling sad about this but I feel like I can deal with all of this. 

Better

This weekend was really rough. We found out my dad will have to have surgery on Wednesday and even though its kind of a relief to know its getting taken care of, its still scary. I feel resentful towards him because this was preventable. He rides my ass about my health but he doesn't take care of his own. At this point I am healthier than he was at my age. Asshole.

Also today I had Louis screened because he doesn't talk yet. He will be evaluated in Jan. I feel sad that something might be wrong with him but good because I felt like something was not right. No matter what it is, its never ok for your baby to not be perfect.

And Sean was out of town all week last week and left again today. I miss him so much I can't stand it. He came home Saturday night and we just held each other and talked He is my best friend. He was saying something about if he has to take the camera man job and I told him no. It will not work for me. No matter what conditions you put on them it isn't going to happen. 

But all things considered, I am still doing good. I am no more tired than normal. And I only cried uncontrollably once. I do wish I could eat an entire bakery but other than that I feel fine. I love wellbutrin!

Ramblings

I saw my counselor today. He is so kind. It was nice because I was able to tell him I am feeling better. I have been doing better since I started going to office but I hadn't really started feeling better. He always tells me how nice it is that I am doing better. I am really trying to get better but I think most people don't put the effort in. Not that most people don't want to, they are not at the point that they can. I also told him that I had to put myself in time out the other day. And he said it was a really cool concept that I am teaching my kids. I made a glitter/calm down jar. I made it so that when the kids (or I) get upset or overwhelmed we can shake the jar and watch the glitter settle. I haven't used it yet because I just made it so I don't know if it works or not. I hope it works.

I think that Bea is mad at me and I feel sick about it. Sick at my stomach and heart broken. I have a problem with recriminations. I still think about things I did or said as a child and feel sick about them. 

Birthday

Yesterday Bea had her baby, and I was there. She had a beautiful baby girl. I helped  her for the last 12 hours of her labor. It was a hard, long labor. Over 36 hours. But she pushed the baby out in less than 15 mins. It was amazing. And of course Bea wins in any pain complaint department but Damn I am in so much pain today. all of my muscles hurt. And my knees ache. I spent all day on them applying counter pressure and massaging her. She had a VERY hard labor. About 5 minutes after the baby was born I left the room and spent about 10 minutes just crying. It was an emotional day, and exhausting. Then I came home and hugged my kids. Bea's labor made me glad I had C-sections. And I would have another if I just so happened to get preggo again. That  was hard for me, so I cannot imagine how hard it was for her. 

The poor little baby had a terrible cone head. But she was the sweetest most beautiful cone head. 

I am so happy for Bea

Anxiety

I am having major anxiety right now because my best friend went into labor today I am not going to get to be with her. Sean had volunteered to watch the kids and let me go but hes at work and when I hinted that I wanted him to come home early he got all huffy and said he had to work late. Not only does my friend (from now on she will be known as Bea) want me to be there, I am dieing to be with her. I have that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest is tight. And I feel sad. I have been planning this for longer than shes been pregnant. She was with me when I gave birth to my first and I wanted to be with her. I am trying to calm myself but its not working

Weightloss progress

As of this morning I am down to 200 lbs!

I have lost 46 lbs since I started dieting and 52 since my highest nonpregnant weight

This is huge for me. I never thought I would be able to lose weight without pills or surgery. I have struggd with my weight my whole life. Since I was a small child. I feel so good about myself right now. I will never be skinny but I just want to be healthy. I want my waist to be under 35 inches. I'd like it to be about 33 so I have 7 inches to lose. I have already lost 5 in my waist. Its doable. For the first time its doable. 

Also the higher dose of wellbutrin is working for me. I am having good periods everyday. That is also huge for me. I know that at some point I will feel good. It keeps me going. 

My weekend

This weekend was pretty hard. I saw just how dysfunctional my family is. My mom and both of her sisters were there and my 2 cousins and my sister. There were catty comments and backstabbing. Everyone was picking on everyone else. And it was sad. 

My sister and I finally got to just talk. We never get to do that because someone is always wanting something or getting hurt in some way . . . something. We talked about our childhood. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my childhood. It was not a nice time period. I get sad whenever I think about it. I have to remind myself that its over and no longer effects me. But still . . . .

I did enjoy getting to spend time with my grandmother. She is one of my favorite people. I love her so much. And I enjoyed spending time with my aunt and uncle. They have lived in the same small town their whole lives and never paid rent so they are a little strange but I still love them alot. Actually I love both of my aunts and like spending time with them. Just not together. Its better when my mom is not there either. One of my uncles and fine. I like spending time with him but my other uncle that was there, I do not like spending time with him. I caught him staring at my cleavage. It gives me the Heebee Geebees. Everyone I told just laughed. They thought is was so funny. Douchie but funny. I did not think it was funny.

Ok maybe it was a tiny bit funny. And he was nicer to me than he has been in years. My other uncle told me from now on I have to wear low cut shirts when we have family dinners so the other uncle will be nice to everyone. He likes talk out of his ass and has to one up everyone.

I guess the weekend its self was not that bad. Just thinking about my childhood was bad. I don't let myself dwell on it. I can't change it I can only move on. I did feel bad for my mom and her siblings because they are not close at all. I am so glad my sister and I are close, and nice to each other. I want my kids and their cousins to be close. 

I don't want to step on the scale again. I am afraid I gained 10 pounds. I did my best to not eat sweets but I still ate so much. I refused to take home every thing but some meat and a slice of pound cake. My grandmother is a master baker (hehe) and man it was wonderful. She made cookies, a pound cake, date bars, cinnamon raisin bread, and sourdough bread. I ate a bunch of everything. But it was worth it. 

A clean house

Today has been a really good day so far. It is SO nice that I am having good periods of every day. I asked Sean to take the kids to the park or something so I could be alone. I miss being alone from time to time. So he did and I cleaned the house from top to bottom while they were gone. Well almost, my steam cleaner broke so I didn't get the whole house mopped but it is still a million times better than it was. And it was nice to just clean and not be interrupted. And to sing along to my CD and not be told to stop.


Last night I dreamed that one of the sister wives from the tlc show was in labor and I was helping her. It was strange. I have been having a lot of strange dreams. But I like it because its entertaining.

Carmencita

This morning I kept getting a wiff of poo from the kids room.

I checked diapers and the floor

No sign of anything

Finally I checked the farthest corner and there it was

A huge turd

I told Carmen "that is a big turd" and she said "thank you"

We had a little talk about telling mommy if she poops anywhere but the potty

Made me laugh

Tired

I had a rough weekend. We had a kids party to go to and camping with Seans family. But Carmen and Louis were sick. We went to both anyway and Carmen's asthma flared up big time.  We ended up having to take her to an urgent care clinic to get some stronger steroids for her. She is fine now but it was really scary and I am exhausted. I was doing fine until late this afternoon. Sean sent me an email from his dad. And I do not take criticizim well. Not that he was really criticizing me. But I feel like my ILs are saying that I am not taking good enough care of her. They are not they are just expressing concern, But it makes me feel like a bad person.

And after 3 sleepless nights this week I am exhausted. I wish I could take a day off.   

Reasons I love that man

Last night after we put the kids to bed we got ready to go to bed ourselves

Sean asked where the remote was, I told him I hadn't touched it all day. So then he started looking on the floor. That's when I saw it in my dresser drawer. So while he was hanging over the side of the bed I slipped it on to his night stand. When he saw it right there he gasped and looked at me. His head almost exploded. I could not stop laughing. 

Dreams

I have not been sleeping good for a few months  now.

And I really need my sleep

My counselor was concerned with how much I sleep but I told him I really don't sleep good so I need 10 to 12 hours a night to function

But lately I have been taking Sean's ambien

Shhhh, don't tell anyone

Its been giving me more dreams than normal

But they have been pretty therapeutic

I dreamed that my ex-boyfriends sister told me she broke us up because he wasn't good enough for me.

And I had more but I can't really remember them

I think its because I am working on anger right now in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

One exercise they have you do is instead of picturing yourself wringing someones neck and working yourself up, you picture them embarrassing themselves.

For instance picturing them in a diaper with hairy legs.

It helps you let things go

So I have been doing that with stuff that upsets me in any way

It is so nice to think of how I wish things had gone instead of focusing on what went wrong

Right now I am trying to picture someone apologizing to me for thinking that they had a say in potty training Carmen when they absolutely did not. 

It is making me feel better

You should try it

Update

I took the kids to the park this after noon and I feel a lot better now

I think I was living too much in my head

Because I was living in the moment with them sliding down slides and pushing swings and my smile came back

But I have a feeling that we will be changing my meds again when I go back to the Dr

I hope we do because I am not sleeping at all

I think the wellbutrin is not helping with that

I am going to sleep good tonight though

I am exhausted and I am going to take an ambien

complaining

I am so depressed today

I don't know how I am going to make it through the weekend

I am so depressed i feel physically sick

All I want to do is eat every thing in the house and sleep

I am not sleeping at night and its really getting to me.

I used to think I was a positive person

But I'm not

I realized this since starting CBT

It is a little hard to realize you are not who you think you are

Complaining

I feel strange today

Taking wellbutrin has really helped me but today I had to kill a rat

And I love all furry little creatures

Even rats

So now I am sad

I wanted to keep one as a pet but Sean said "Hell no you cant keep that shit"

Not that I really would have

Also I am scared that I am having an unacceptable side effect 

And I feel dizzy

My BP is odd for me

Still considered normal but odd for me

Its always been 120/70 ish

but right now its 110/70

I think thats why I am dizzy

I just had a really off day today
But tomorrow will be  better

Reasons I love that man

I love that man because yesterday I had a mild panic attack and he held me and then gave me a really good massage with oil and everything

And because he made me laugh all weekend

For example today I went to him and asked him if he wanted to dance with me
(it was out of the blue and there was no music)
He threw something in the trash and then started dancing and saying "Ooga chacka Ooga chocka"
He made my day
I really love him

The Hockey Game

Well we had fun at the hockey game

I did get to eat a hot dog 

 I didn't get to chant "bull shit"

But I did chant "Fight Fight"

And there were 2 really good fights
We were on the 10th row so we were right on the glass

There was a Granny on the first row and when the players would slam into the glass she would jump up and bang on the glass

It was great

The guy I sat next to looked like Chef Curtis from Take Home Chef

I screamed myself horse

I think I was on the big screen in the background at one point but I really hope it wasn't me because that woman was fat and really red faced

Today I am not going to get out of bed

I am super tired, I have a headache, and my back hurts

Well this is day one of my date weekend and its pretty awesome so far

I slept until almost 9 and then I was able to get up and drink my coffee instead of having to deal with 2 crying hungry babies and 2 dirty diapers and most likely poop

But I am feeling sad

I think I just miss them (even though I have to clean up poop constantly)

But I am going to focus on the weekend I am going to have

I am not going to wallow I am going to be happy

We are going to a hockey game tonight and I am looking forward to chanting "Bull Shit" and eating hot dogs

It doesn't take much to make me happy

I am posting that because it made me laugh

I love the office

200th post

I have been trying to think of something awesome to post for my 200th post but its not going to happen. I got nothing. So I am just going to tell you how Louie says thank you now. He says "Ank Ooo" I die just a little bit every time. Its so cute.

I have a special Carmen post coming up AND I have a mommy, daddy weekend this coming weekend. I am so excited about our weekend. We are going to go to a hockey game and go out to eat a few times. Just us. Its so exciting for me. And I am going to clean the house, and its going to stay that way.  I should probably delete that because I think I've said it before but I don't care. This is exciting stuff. Sean and I get to spend a whole weekend together BY OUR SELVES. 

Also I am a huge nerd. I am playing legend of Zelda spirit tracks. Its pretty fun.

I can't believe theres been 200 of these meaningless posts. And that I have followers. 

Oh well I have had fun with this and plan to continue doing so.

Love 

October 6 2011 Thursday

Today did not start well

Its 9:43 am and if I could call it a day, I would

I didn't sleep good last night and then when I got the kids up today they were both sick

Both of them were wheezing

I may have had a small panic attack

It's just that we don't have insurance and its not like we have a couple thousand sitting in the bank for an ER visit

But I got them up and gave them medicine and breathing treatments and now they are doing a lot better

Louie is acting completely normal

He just has a cough

And Carmen is acting like she feels better than she did yesterday

so we are going to be ok

But I really wish we had insurance

I called our Dr office and they do let you work out payment arrangements

Which is good because Carmen turns 3 in less than 2 weeks so she needs to go for a checkup and possibly shots

I really wish I could just go to bed

Carmencita

Today Latte Junkie posted a challenge that I am accepting

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grab a kid or two, and ask them the following questions

Kids with budding language skills
What’s your favorite color? (you can even ask them to point at picture cards)
Who is the best — Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?
What’s your favorite TV show?
What’s your favorite food for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner?
Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Which is the best ice cream?
What is your favorite toy?

More developed talkers
What do you want to do when you grow up?
Favorite holiday? What makes it best?
If you could live anywhere, where would move?
Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?
What toy would you buy for your best friend’s birthday?
What do you want for your own birthday?
What family rule do you think is the most unfair? Why?

Carmen's first interview

1. Whats your favorite color? 

2. Who is the best - Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?

3. Whats your favorite Tv show?

4. Whats your favorite food for breakfast?

    Lunch?

    Dinner?

5. Chocolate, Vanilla, or strawberry? Which is your favorite ice cream?

6. What is your favorite toy?

I tried to do this interview with Carmen today but she is sick and told me to leave her alone. Which I found funny.

Oct 4 2011 Tuesday

I did really good focusing on the positive last week until Friday. Friday I started coming down with something. I am still fighting it but I know I am going to have a really good day today. My Aunt is coming to visit for a few hours. Probably I will get to run an errand or two that have been needing to be done and maybe we will go shopping. I am so tired but I am very happy my Aunt is coming and I can't wait to see her. 

In a couple of weeks she is going to take the kids for several days. Sean is going to take time off of work so we can have a 4 day weekend together. He got us tickets to a hockey game. I CAN"T WAIT! 

E.T.A. I was interrupted by a bathtub full of shit. Nothing brings me down like having to clean up shit. But its cleaned up and so are my babies. 

Also this is my 197 post.

I am having a great week

On monday I decided that I was going to have a great day no matter what

I focused on the positive and refused to let myself think about the negative

And it worked!

In fact it worked so well I have had a good week too

It just carried right on over

I am doing good on my eating too 

I have been trying to stay on my diet better

It is so hard to not eat cookies and cake

But I need to do it for my babies

We sold Seans car last night

He is dieing to get a truck

It is going to be a little annoying to have only 1 car for the next few months (until we get our tax return)

But we will make it work

It is kind of nice to have an excuse to not leave the house

"oh I can't go because I have no car today"

:)

It is amazing how having a few good days makes you feel

Anxiety

I am having bad anxiety

I thought I would post about it here because thats what I do

I spew verbal diarrhea here

It's something I need to work on

Not letting anxiety get the best of me

especially when it comes to my religious services

I feel depressed about not going all the time

but I feel like I can't go because I have such bad anxiety

My heart races, my blood pressure goes up (I checked), and I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and a little dizzy

But then I feel bad all week that I didn't go

 I know what i need

Xanax

I have an appointment in a few weeks 

I am going to see if I can get some

This sucks

This weekend

This weekend I threw a baby shower for my best friend.

I hate throwing partys but she threw me an awesome babyshower so I had to return the favor

But she set the bar really high

I have been planning for several months

Researching decorations

We went with a bee theme (as requested by the mom to bee)

It was black, yellow, and white

I used tissue paper pompoms and made some pennant banners

and my friend made a bee hive cake

It was fun

I had a blast

And I managed to eat what I wanted including a few cupcakes and not gain any weight!

But I am never throwing another party as long as I live

Not our invitations but similar

source

I came home with a stomach virus. Actually all of us got it. Carmen puked on our way home I puked last night and louie puked this morning. I am feeling so nauseous I want to burst into tears.

I am feeling so depressed and sad today

It may be because Saturday was the 10th anniversary of  9/11 and it was everywhere I looked

Just seeing 9/11 breaks my heart

Or it could be all of the wild fires in my area

All the people that have lost their lives or at best everything they had

Thousands of people

With nothing but the clothes on their backs

I cannot even read the headlines of the local news papers

I just read a story about a 15 year old girl who gave birth and did not care for her baby

She let her boyfriend beat and choke her baby and kill her (the baby)

and THEN dropped her off at a fire station. 

I want to burro under my blankets and sleep for a week

This world is so bad

I have to stop thinking about this because my mind is going places its not allowed to go

Sean went fishing

On Saturday Sean went fishing, and caught himself. 

He had been gone for about an hour and a half when he called and said needed my help

Before he cast even once he managed to hook himself

and He is really terrified of pain

so I went and picked him up

We got back to the house I got him some tequila and limes and he took 2 shots

After a long time he wasn't feeling it so he took a couple more but he still was majorly freaked out

I went inside to check on the kids and when I got back he said "you are going to be so happy with me"

He had pulled it out himself

I was pretty impressed because he had been so freaked out

But once the adrenalin stopped pumping through his system he was really trashed

He started acting hilarious 

So I took a video

But he made me delete it

He makes me laugh

:(

I am sick today :(

I really need the day off but Sean had a pretty bad work week and is not up to giving me a day off

In fact he left thirty mins ago to kayak

I hope he returns in a better mood.

Maybe I will call the ILs and see if they can take my babies

Stigma

Today I took the kids to the park to play for a while

I was talking with a woman who brought her 5 grandkids 

they were from 6 years old to 5 months

And she said her daughter was not done yet because they only had one boy

I told her I wanted 4 kids but that I am having to stop at 2

And once I admitted to having severe depression she practically ran away from me

I think that is the first time I have been bothered by the stigma of depression

A lot of people talk about the stigma but I had never noticed it other than a depressed person saying how bad they feel that they are depressed and that they don't want to take their meds.

I am not feeling good about it

Update

I have been having a hard time lately. Again.

I was thinking that it was because we upped my meds but I am feeling better today so now I am wondering if it is something else. 

My sister took Carmen all day today. It was so nice. I ran errands all day and then I took 2 classes at the gym. I took the same class that I took last week and am afraid of how bad I am going to hurt this time. I also took a yoga class. I loved it but I don't know if I will do it again because of the origins of yoga. 

I am down 41 pounds as of today!

Even though I would love to continue to lose weight really fast I am trying to remember that this is a life style change and it is about living healthy and not about weight loss. 

I also got to spend some time with Louie today. He is so fun. We were almost done with our errands when he started really fussing so I asked him if he wanted to see his daddy. He said Yup and stopped fussing. I know its such a little thing but it made me laugh. And its one of the reasons I love him.

I know this is a sucky post but its all I have in me.

I hope we all have a wonderful day tomorrow

Reasons I love that man

Sean and I like to take our shower together at the end of the day. It helps us relax and connect at the end of the day plus I can scrub his back for him. And see him naked.

The other day he had been working outside and he had what I could tell was a leaf but it would have been a really big bug (if it were a bug). And since I love to hear him scream like Homer I gasped and said "You have a bug!) He quickly reached up and grabbed the leaf while I laughed my butt off.

After 5 minutes I had still not stopped laughing so he said "Leaf me alone"

I died. I almost fell out of the shower I was laughing so hard.

This may not be funny to you but it is definitely on of the reasons I love that man 

Pain

If no pain no gain is true I must really be gaining because I am in so much pain.

 I am waddling like a preggo.

I worked out for about an hour and a half on sunday and I am really paying for it.

I jogged (very slowly) for about 20 mins and the rest was a class on resistance training. I didn't think it was going to hurt this much though.

I am afraid to go again.

I just coughed and almost passed out from the pain.

But its ok I have a few days to recover because Louis is sick.

He is such a grouchy sicko.

And his eye is so gross and goo-ie

Poor little turd

Don't worry I have been snuggling him every chance I get

He woke me up at 2 last night and he just wanted to be held for a moment.

It is sad to see him so pitiful

He would not stop being grouchy for the picture

Liebster

I am doing the happy dance because I got my first award (and I am drunk). Thank you so much Ruth.

This is a special occasion for me. I have always wanted an award and until now had never gotten one. So now whether or not Ruth wants, she is going to be my best friend. Uh Oh but who am I going to pass this on to? Because I love a bunch of blogs but the writers do not know who I am. Oh well.

The first blogger that I want to show love ( Besides Ruth) is Jen at Buried with Children She has 500 kids and she is still sane (Mostly)

The second Blogger I love is The Bloggess who also happens to be a jen. I know she is not going to respond to this but she is an awesome person and it brightens my day every time I read her blog.

The third blogger I love is Trish at Fertile Hope She helped me heal (mentally) from my daughters birth and because  of that I was able to enjoy my sons birth.

The forth blogger that rocks my socks is Kaycee. She is soo cool and her Carrah is a week younger than my Carmen.

Now for number Five is Cherylyn at Mommies and Babies  I love the whole process of natural birth (because I was unable to have one) and have learned a lot from her.

These are only 5 of the blogs I love but they are definitely honorable mentions. And I do not expect them to claim their awards but I still love them. 

Thank you again Ruth.

Thankful

Today I am so grateful that its friday

And for whisky

And for dirty scrabble

And for my hunk of burnin' love

Reasons I love that man

Tonight as we were drying off after our shower Sean said "guess what" and he paused for dramatic effect "Only 6 more weeks until archery season"

I said " How did you know exactly what I was thinking" and then I died laughing

He got all excited and said "really thats what you were thinking"

I love how he thinks that if hes interested in something then I am too.

Good thing hes so cute

Mormons

Seems like every other week I get a visit from a couple of mormon boys. 

They came by today to tell me I would be more blessed if I serve their god

I told them I have my own beliefs 

So they told me that I can talk to any mormon about it and they offered to take out my trash or do my dishes

I started laughing about that

I was VERY tempted to let them wash my dishes

But the kids were asleep so no

But one of the kids looked like he was going to charge through my door and insist on washing the dishes

Maybe next time

One of them asked for some water

Pfhaaa

Its only 100 today ( I am only half joking about that because its been 105 for weeks here)

Its practically a cold front

Me-ness

At the moment I am feeling sad. I have been doing very well lately with not letting myself being overwhelmed with sadness. But I feel like it would help to write it out here.

I am feeling sad because I feel like I missed out on both of my kids babyhood. I just bought the month stickers for my best friend and I teared up because I didn't do that. I could not take pictures every month of either of my kids. I never take pics of them. I know I am a good mom but I wish I had that to remember. I miss them as babies so much. I adore them now but I miss the other.

And I am also feeling sad because I hurt/am hurting someone I love very much. My cousin. My cousin is getting married and I am not going to her wedding. Partly because its a destination wedding and there is no way we can afford to go anywhere. But that is not the only reason. I am not going to explain on here why but she knows. And it hurts her. There is nothing I can do to make it better. 

I feel sick. It hurts me when I hurt others. 

I DID IT!

I have lost 40 pounds!

I cant believe it.

And I officially weigh less than I have in 6 years

Only 6 lbs to go until I cross the 200 lb mark.

I am so excited!

A stall in progress

My parents are here for a visit. They came in on saturday. We were at my sisters house because her husband cut his finger with a saw pretty bad. My dad took my BIL to the ER while my mom and I stayed at my sisters house with her. We were talking and my mom blurted out "your dad had a stroke" I thought she was joking but . . . no. My dad had a stroke about 3 weeks ago but didn't get any treatment for it. He went yesterday for a ct-scan. We are getting the results today. In about 45 minutes. 

I am so scared. I love my dad so much. I know everyone loves their dad and I am not special but I really love him and I don't know what I will do without him. This is not something we should have to deal with. Because I know he is not going to take care of himself. He had a fucking stroke and didn't get treatment. He had a heart attack about 10 years ago and he has diabetes and he refuses to take medication for it. He even stopped taking asprin until he had the stroke. 

I feel like I am already grieving him and he hasn't died yet. I wish I could be helping more but I cannot. I cant go to the Dr with them. I wouldn't be any help if I did. I feel so helpless. And Sad.  

I told him I am scared and he looked me in the eye and said "I'm fine" I am going to punch him if he says that to me again. 

All I want to do is eat and sleep. And the kids and I have a cold so we cannot go to the Jumpy House. 

ETA: My dad is going to be ok! well if he takes his medication and eats right and exercises. The stroke was preventable. 

A link up!

I am going to post something funny today if it kills me because I am linking up with Momma made it look easy At least I am going to try. I am not sure if I can because this is more of an everything blog than a mommy blog. But still.

The other day Carmen lost her cup and we looked and looked for it but no such luck. The next day she found it in her room and ran in yelling " I found it I found it" I told her it was dirty so I would wash it for her. She said "thank you mommy, that make me happy"

I died

I was having a horrible day. It was one of those days that I ended up bribing the kids to go to their room because I was so overwhelmed with sadness.

I started crying and could not stop. I was having unwanted scary thoughts. So I called my case manager (still crying) to ask him to point me in the right direction. Any thing to feel better. If I had known he was going to come over I would never have called. But I am so glad he did. He helped me start my WRAP  

I thought I was really in touch with myself, but I am not. I have some work to do. But I know where to start. For now.

I am feeling better now than I have all week. I am feeling so thankful. 

I was doing so good. I was being so positive because I knew help was on the way. But after last week and my visit with the case manager I am not doing good. I cannot get the happy back. I cannot stay out of my bed. I cannot keep my house clean. 

Because I am paying for myself and the state is not, I am a low priority. I have no idea when I will receive help. And it's bringing me down.

But I did get some really nice makeup. Sean let me get some expensive makeup because he got a bow and needed some paraphernalia. I got pressed powder foundation, blush, concealer, and eyeliner. That eyeliner ROCKS. It didn't smudge and lasted ALL DAY. I have never used eyeliner that good. In fact all of the makeup lasted all day. I would recommend the Tarte makeup for anyone.

I wish Sean could stay home with me. I miss him and he makes me happy

Progress

Ever since my Dr appt last week I have been working hard on being more positive. I was doing fantastic until tuesday. Since tuesday I am having more trouble with it. So yesterday I went to the library to check out some books on Cognitive Therapy. And this morning I went on a walk from 7am to 7:30. I am feeling much better today. I am almost excited about the therapy. The book I am reading. . . it is opening my eyes. Because I would never classify myself as a negative person,  but I realize that my "inner monologue" is very negative. Almost everything in the book applies to me. But I think its gonna work. So I am going to work my butt off with this (it is supposed to help with overeating too so maybe literally)

Oh and this guy helped too

I love him 

I was having a sucky day today. I totally lost my temper with Carmen (but I did not touch her). I was going to take the kids to The Happiest Place on Earth but it is closed on Tuesdays. So instead we went to McDs. Where I cheated on my diet and had fries and ckn nuggets. And Carmen proceeded to spend the rest of the day attached to my arm. It drove me nuts. I couldn't do anything. She also threw a major tantrum so I think she is growing or something. I don't know what but both babies are grouchy and tired. 

But I turned it all around. I made decaf coffee and vodka frappichinos.  I am feeling much better now.

My Dr. Appt

Yesterday was an appointment with the clinic to make sure I qualified to get services there. Having the diagnosis of major depression was not severe enough. I only qualified because I still think about killing myself daily.

But the Dr qualified me, and that is what matters

The plan of action is a psych evaluation at the end of next month

And after that cognitive therapy along with medication

I am feeling very hopeful about it. I think that is exactly what I need. I have to change the way I am thinking. But I know its going to be very hard and I am apprehensive about that. 

I panicked a  little bit when the Dr was searching for what qualified me. 

Now I just need to get some help for Sean. 

P.S. I was able to write this with only one interruption because we are at the jumpy house and my kids are entertaining themselves. Yahoo!!!

The happiest place on earth is not disney world

Today I discovered the awesomness that is a jumpy house. I got to talk to other moms and let my kids wear themselves out while I drank coffee. 

They were running everywhere. I would see Carmen on one side of the room and then the other and she did not stop moving the whole time we were there. It felt like I was on vacation. I got to relax. They were occupied. I plan to go alot more. 

I did'nt get any pics because they never stopped moving. 

The only way it could get better is if you could wear pajamas.

Reasons I love that man

I was having the shittiest morning. I am having a mild panic attack. The kind where I cant stop crying. I poord my coffee crying, Got the kids up crying. Carmen asked are you crying mommy. It kills me when I do this to them. But anyway.

I texted Sean because I was feeling so bad and he sent this

How can I not love this man

Now I am crying for a different reason

Oh well

Me-ness

I hate asking for help. Well who doesn't. But I have always felt pretty self sufficient until last year. And recently when I told my mom and sister I was scared of how I was feeling, it was really hard. But I cannot do it without help. I just feel sad all the time. And so tired. I know what it feels like to not have depression and this is not acceptable. 

Today I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to lay in bed and cry. I cried on saturday and sunday this weekend. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. 

Its been about 2 hours since I started this post and I got the kids up and fed and the kitchen almost clean. I am feeling better than I was. I am going to try to stay out of my bed all day. For most people that is a no brainer but its a struggle for me. But I don't think its good for me.

I am hoping my niece can spend the night with us tonight and we are excited!

I have to go get Carmen a shirt. She found her dora pj pants and now she keeps saying "I cold mommy I cold" because she wants me to find the shirt for her

Weightloss check in

Last night when Sean woke me up at 3 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep I wrote a bunch of blog posts, but now I can't remember any of them

As of today I have lost 36 pounds. I have never lost so much weight trying. I lost about 42 lbs after I had the kids but I wasnt trying. This is cool also because its been  a very short amount of time and not that much effort and I feel like I could do this forever. But I am losing inches every where but my stomach. The place I need to lose the most inches. I need to lose at least 10 inches. I am almost to the 200 pound mark. I weigh 211 right now. I haven't weighed under 200 pounds in about 6 years. I am really looking forward to it. But I havent had the energy to exercise. I know that I would be doing even better if I would but I cannot seem to get myself moving. Or just when I start something happens. Like one of the kids get sick and I cannot go to the gym or the weather shoots up to 105 and there is no way in hell I am setting foot outside. 

 I am going to get myself a new button from Scale Junkie today. I am so excited! Every 5 pounds that goes down is such an awesome feeling.

Well I am done for now I guess

Amber :)

Me-ness

Well we only made it 2 of the 3 days

Yesterday afternoon we decided to come home early 

I was so relieved when Sean said we could go home because I am exhausted

I was crying yesterday because I couldn't take it any more

And today I am feeling like shit

physically and mentally

I did too much

I learned a valuable lesson here

And it's not me being too easy on myself

I do not have endurance right now

I am going to try to repair the damage today

I am going to rest

And I am not going to feel guilty 

We are headed out of town for the weekend and my anxiety is rocketing sky high

I hate leaving my house

Even though I know I am going to enjoy this weekend I do not want to go

I am feeling so panicy 

And I want to eat every thing in the kitchen

I found out why Sean was being mean to me on sunday

He does not handle change well and he was frustrated that some of his stuff was moved

He thought it was thrown away

He is back to his sweet self

Louis got a haircut today

Just a trim around the bottom and ears

He is so cute!

He is walking around playing by himself

He is the sweetest happiest baby ever.

I am so sad today

Sean was mean last night

Normally he is nice to me

But last night he was criticizing everything I did.

I hate that

The kids are going to the circus today

I am so excited for them

Sean and I are going to get to go on a date 

I got up today and started running

I ran all day

My aunt and grandmother came over and we went shopping and out to lunch with my sister and niece

It was a good day

But now I am worn out 

I am just done

I asked my aunt to help me

She is going to come see me once a month

and help me if I need it

I hate asking for help

Everyone is so busy

But I really need help

I am having anxiety about my mom leaving

We worked so hard to clean the house 

 But I am really worried I wont be able to keep it up

P.S. Who knew being a whiny bitch could get you so much attention! I gained 5 followers in a week

My Sister

I got a text last night from my sister

It said: Niece just asked how she got in my tummy when she was little.

I replied "Bahahahahahahahahaha"

Today she told me that her husband explained to their daughter that "it was a result of intercourse"

Niece said "intercourse?" and tapped her chin

I swear that kid is almost 3 going on 20

Well my mom has been here for a week now and my house is CLEAN

We have been going room by room cleaning and organizing

Right now we are working on the laundry room

We have it half done, its been the hardest room yet.

I am feeling so much better having my mom here

Other than being tired I feel good

I am nervous that when she goes home I will feel worse again

but for now I feel good

The kids room was super gross but it was pretty easy

We took everything out of their room and went through it

We got rid of more than half of the stuff in the kids room

It is so clean and nice

the kids LOVE it

Carmen kept going in her room and saying "WOW"

Or "its so pretty mommy, thank you"

I am trying not to feel sad that its been so bad 

I am dead tired

I am going to sleep

My mom is on her way from mexico.

She should be here in a few hours. 

I am so relieved.

I need her help so much. 

My house is disgusting.

I cannot get it clean

And its not because I am a neat freak

I'm not

I am feeling like I do not have the emotional strength to clean

I got a call back from MHMR

But the earliest appointment they had for me is july 11

and that is just for financial classification

I need help now

  

Me-ness

Yesterday we got to go on a date. It was so nice. We ate the most amazing indian food. Then we went to the mall and got Sean his beauty products. Its funny because he is so spoiled now. He uses Lush shaving cream and face soap. He is such a diva. And then we went to get him some jeans because his jeans are literally falling off of him.

But I am having a horrible day. I have been doing worse and worse lately. I feel so heartbroken all the time. So tired and like I cannot breathe. What is wrong with me? Nothing is helping. 

I was trying to explain how I felt to Sean but he doesn't get it. 

I feel like I can't do it any more. 

My house is such a pig sty. I can't stand it.

My whole world is tainted shades of gray

I hate gray

I love vibrant color

Does anyone else loose all of their patience with their babies?  Sometimes I yell at them and every time it kills me. It is totally unacceptable to me but I can't help it. 

It makes me feel like such a shitty mom and person. 

Carmencita

The other day I was changing a Louie diaper that really stank

I called him a stinky turd (its a term of endearment)

And Carmen who is always interested if it stinks (she will drag over a chair so she can put her face right in the stink) said to herself "sinky turd" 

and then she points to her daddy and said "your a sinky turd daddy, Daddys a sinky turd" 

I could not stop laughing but Sean was like what is going on

He laughed when I told him what she was saying

And another funny thing she did recently was:

I was cooking so I was kind of not paying attention to her when I hear her yell "Bitch"

So since I was in the other room I started laughing

Sean was like WHAT

Turns out she was telling him she wanted him to take her fishing and he was telling her no they couldn't go right now when she yelled bitch

But what she really said was Beach

She wanted Daddy to take her fishing at the beach

But she has a really high pitched squirrel voice so it is very funny when she says a bad word

Today was all over the place for me.

I was so happy and excited that my sister is home

but my Dr appt did not go as planned 

He is referring me to a psychiatrist 

But then this evening a good friend met me at the gym and we got to talk

I love my friend

She is so kind

And the best listener I know

I am not sure how I feel about the psychiatrist

I know that its probably good

But I am frustrated because I want to feel better NOW

I DID IT!

I went to the gym! I think tomorrow I am going to be sore but I am so proud of myself. I was having a panic attack about going but I did it anyway.

Go Amber, Go!

Today I realized that stage of the diet that sucks.

The honey moon is over and this is no longer the best diet in the world

I keep thinking about pizza and cake

But I know I will get past this

I am just going to keep on trying

I've lost 9 lbs and 3 inches in my waist

So its worth it

I am just tired

But I didn't have a panic attack today

YAY

I may have cheated on monday when I freaked out

Sean brought us a cheese burger and a small fri

We split the burger and carmen, Sean and I all shared the fries

Then yesterday I ate really careful

And today

I want to go back to the Dr and him to be happy with my effort

I am

Right now I am having a mild panic attack

My skin feels like its vibrating, my lips are tingley and numb and I feel like I can't breathe

I don't know why

It had already started before I called the Dr office to check on Seans meds. After a month they still don't have them. Even after I called the company and had them fax a refil form and then called the Dr office to make sure they got it and faxed it back. They said someone just put the form into his file. It is so frustrating. It is a low income clinic and they really don't give a shit about you. I love my Dr but his staff sucks. If he wasn't such a good Dr I would go somewhere else. 

It's weird that my body feels like its vibrating but my hand is not shaking

Ok I think it is mostly gone now

The kids are taking a bath

And I am crying. I can't stop. Because Carmen thought I was going to hurt her. 

Here is what happend

Carmen fed kitty and I was mopping the kids room. When I came out Carmen had shit all over her. I went in the laundry room and there was shit on the floor. I thought it was kittys and I got mad. Really mad. I HATE when animals shit in the house. So I threw kitty outside and told carmen to go to the bath room. She got really nervous and started crying. She said "I can't get squanking" (I can't get spanking) I told her she wasn't getting a spanking she was getting a bath. But I could tell she was scared. When I took off her diaper I realized that it was her poop. Her diaper had leaked turds all over the laundry room and thats why it was all over her. She had told me kitty pooped.  And she thought I was going to hurt her.

That makes me so upset. Because I know how she felt. I was terrified of my mom.  I NEVER want carmen to be afraid of me. Lately I have been having a hard time holding my temper. I am working so hard on it so I don't lose it. And I have not spanked out of anger. I have only spanked Carmen once or twice in the last month. I prefer to use time out. anyway. I want carmen to know always that I love her.  I grew up not knowing my mom loved me. she was angry all the time. I do not want to be that way but here I am making my child scared of me.

I am going to screw my babies up

I was having the shittiest day but Sean turned that around ;)

Right now I am relaxing in bed with Michael Bubble' and a glass of wine

The kids are playing in their room

That is great because they wake up too early for me so if they stay up later than bedtime playing. . . Cool

I am going to have a good week

And if I don't go to the gym at least once than I am going to quit

Just the gym

Michael Bubble is so cute 

And I love his voice and songs

I am going to try to go to sleep early so I can get up earlier 

Good night