Last week

Last week I was feeling SO bad. I really scared myself. I almost called my Dr to tell her that I thought we had the wrong meds. But suddenly I am feeling better. Instead of drowning I feel like I am walking around in a dense fog. A vast improvement. I can breathe a little. It feels great.

I have been giving my babies more attention. Carmen is a real cuddle bug. And Louis he loves being held, and walking in his walker. I have been trying to hold him when he takes his 2 bottles a day because I know they are coming to an end soon. I have been working on our bonds. All of us. Carmen and I "played" a game today. We got 4 letters and made their sounds and said their names over and over. I hope I can teach them.

Last night

Last night I woke up about 2am I think and I could not go back to sleep. Hubby and I watched episodes of Battlestar Galacttica. A lot of them. It was nice getting to spend time alone with hubby but I love sleeping sooo.... However I woke up pretty good today. In fact I feel better (so far) today than I have in a while. Kind of chipper even.

I sat there last night trying to fall back asleep and wrote a blog post in my head. I thought I would be able to remember it. HA.

The transformation into a nerd is now complete. I am going to go watch some stargate atlantis now.

Today

Today I am feeling so sad. I feel like I am drowning in a dream and I can't swim back to the surface. If I could just swim I would live but I can't move. I can't save myself.

I am so sick of struggling. I would just let go but I have 2 babies and a husband I have to live for. I am glad I have them. They are the 1 rainbow in my life.

Apparently a lot of people are going through the same thing right now. I read 2 blogs this morning written by women who said exactly how I feel.

Lately it seems that the world is getting darker and darker. There was no joy in my life and the only time I feel better is when I am eating. So Tuesday I called my Dr and told her. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I am now taking 2 medications. I am not really a medication kind of person but it was at the point that I had to do something. Right now I am feeling the placebo effect but I don't care because at least I am not in bed. And Sean was so supportive. He is the one who told me to call my Dr. It means so much when he helps me like that. I already feel better and today is the third day. I feel less broken hearted. Not as sad. Hopefully I will be myself again and be able to actually post interesting stuff on here.

My sister

Well my sister came and went and despite being gone for 2 weeks now I am still doubting myself as a person and a mom. How does she do that? How does she shake me to the core every time? I am an AWESOME mom. I am a good person. My other sister and I were best friends but now I don't know. She hasn't been very friendly. If I could have it my way I would not see my sister again. I am done. I want nothing more to do with her. Also she talked shit about my marriage. She has been married for barely a year and she thinks she knows about real marriages. Of course she always thought she knew about it before. Every couple we knew who got married she would give them 6 months or 5 years before they broke up. So far I don't know of any of her predictions coming true.

Today I saw my sister on messenger so I said hi. No reply. Why do I give her a chance. It may seem like a tiny little thing but its not. After so many BIG things the little things are just as big. Its just 1 more rejection. 1 more time that she has to prove that she is better than me. The truth is that I don't care who is better. I don't . I just want to be friends. I just want to be sisters. We are twins. But that is all. I am done. My heart can't take any more.

I am so sad today. Her words are ringing in my ears like a broken record. "It's not good for them to see you have a bad day" I think that is the only thing she could say because I am a really good mom. She is like that. One time when she visited me the house was so clean that there was nothing that she could "redo" because I hadn't done it well enough so she washed the couch cushions. That was literally the only thing not perfect. Writing this down has made me feel better because somehow seeing it in writing makes it more reasonable that she is wrong. I think I know why my heart is broken all the time. It's grieving the loss of a best friend and twin sister. I just didn't know it.