Scary things

Yesterday my parents (who live in mexico) were talking about how bad the drug wars are in mexico. Just from what they said I am having anxiety but now I just read an article in the news paper about a mine air vent that was filled with at least 56 bodies. They weren't sure just how many bodies because there were so many detached hands and feet. So they counted the heads. Now I am not only scared I am sad. Super sad. I think it feels more real to me because Sean has been watching Weeds. I know it sounds funny but watching that show has taken away some of my Innocence. I am a sheltered person in that I have never tried any illegal drugs or even been exposed to them. I've never smoked a cigarette. In that way I have been very sheltered or protected. And because of my anxiety I don't normally watch (or read) the news. It makes me too scared and sad. But I have been reading it on our paper. It bother me how many articles there are every day about murder and drugs.

My kids have to grow up in this world. How am I going to protect them from this?

I am sitting in my living room listening to this amazing band called eScala. My favorite part of the day has become the evening. After Sean gets home and we eat dinner and then we "hang out" and play with the babies. Normally we play in Carmen's room but today we are doing it in the living room so we can listen to music. Best. Decision. Ever.

We are listening to the eScala channel on pandora with our roku. I guess it is contemporary classic. It is truly beautiful. So much better than watching tv.

Earlier I asked Carmen to say her name and she said clear as a bell "armen" but now she wont say it again. That was the first time she ever said it, that I know of. Little turd. She fell down and started crying BAD so I said would a cookie make you feel better. Right away she starts getting happier. As soon as I go to get her some she stops crying. Turd. I love her so much.

Have you thought about your impact lately?

Today I used dirt from my compost bin for the first time. It was so cool. Also I watched a documentary called no impact man. It's about a family in NY who decided to make no impact on the earth for 1 year. They got rid of their tv, rode their bikes everywhere they needed to go and didn't ride elevators. They composted, they reduced, made their own cleaning supplies. They even lived without electricity in their apartment for 6 months. Is there something wrong with me that that appeals to me? They ended up losing weight and getting much healthier.

It was the husband that wanted to do it. The wife did it because she loves her husband. She must love him more than I love Sean because she gave up coffee for him. Sorry babe but I don't love you enough to give up coffee for you.

We have a small garden, and a compost bin. thats pretty much all we have. Thats pretty much all we can handle. In Texas there is NO WAY you can live with out a car. At least where I live. Maybe in one of the larger cities but not here. We would have to walk a mile to the closest store and it is a gas station. But it would be cool to try it.

I think I need to go on a tv fast. I watch tv all day. I keep at least 1 on at all times for background noise. Its like a very good friend to me. I am teaching my kids such bad habits. Carmen eats breakfast and then we watch tv. I don't want to do what my parents did and only allow them 2 hours a week of tv because I think thats why I always have it on. And also because I lived alone for so long. Or was lonely for so long. But anyway I need to find the balance somehow. And for me I am going to try to watch less during the day. I need to read more. I need to hear silence more. Maybe I am using it so I don't have to think. I don't have to be alone with myself.

Hmmmm. I need to unplug I think. I have been making myself work in my yard for the last few days, even though its hot outside, And I am feeling better. I am planning on buying more plants to plant today. And getting the yard mowed this weekend. My parents are coming in tuesday so I have to CLEAN. I am going to have a busy weekend. But I am really looking forward to it. I love having Sean home with me.

Funny moments

I have been so worried that I am pregnant again. I've been dreaming about it. A lot. The other day Sean got scared for a sec that I was preggo. He panicked, not because we might be having another baby but because I go a little crazy when I am preggo. Ok a lot crazy. He said I havent had my wife in 2 years I can't handle the crazy. HAHA.

I was doing something when Carmen opened the door and said "mommy" but the way she said it it sounded like "bite Me".

I'm walkin' on sun shine

We go the best news. Louie does not have craniosynostosis. I knew he was perfect. I was so prepared for bad news that I could not believe the Dr when he said it. It took Sean convincing me in the car. I am so happy. I feel like I won the lottery. Oh happy day.

At night Louie does this thing where he stirs and moans and then he farts and settles right down. It makes me laugh.

complaining

I am having a real bad day today. I wish I had someone to call and talk to. I do but I feel guilty laying this mess on someone. And I don't want to hear "oh he will be ok, Its no big deal" it is a big deal. I have been through a lot in my life but I think this is the worst because its my baby. If it were me it would suck but it would only be half as bad. I am so stressed that I have been getting tension headaches everyday. I have one now. It starts in my jaw. My mouth is hurting because I keep clenching my teeth without realizing it. I don't know how to relax that muscle. I am so depressed that I can barely get anything accomplished. I have not been cooking dinner. I didn't make Carmen her breakfast today. I fed her animal crackers and grapes. It could have been worse but I just can't do it. Oh no wait I made her yogurt with tomatoes and avocados. Well it was kinda her brunch. And she took a SUPER long nap today. like 4 hrs. Which I spent laying in bed with Louie. This blog is turning super negative again.

Confused

I really don't know how I am feeling today. Confused or maybe just tired. My heart hurts so much. I don't like hearing people say "oh its going to be ok" no its not. If my little boy his this this is NOT ok. It does not make me feel better to ignore my feelings. I am tired

Yesterday I was getting Carmen ready for bed and calming her down. We were watching a nature movie. She loves animals. Anyway Louie was crying so I went and got him and Carmen starts patting her pillow. I said do you want me to put him next to you? and she shakes her head yes. So my babies were laying next to eachother and carmen was hugging louie. It melted my heart.

ETA: I am no longer confused I am having a BAD day

Better Today

I am feeling better today. I have been working on getting all my ducks in a row. I talked to the nurse for Dr Jimenez today. He is the Dr who pioneered the endoscopic bloodless surgery. The nurse, Wai said to get the diagnosis and then call back. So Dr J will do the surgery if Louie needs it. This takes SO much stress off of me. In fact I need to tell Sean about this. He will feel better too. Also I am trying to schedule my massage. I have never had a professional massage and I am really looking forward to it.