AmbyLand

Well its been a week and a halfish on the new happy pill and my anxiety and scary thoughts are MUCH better but I still feel very blah. But I did read that for a lot of people it takes a good 8 weeks for the happy to kick in.

Louis is doing great on the formula. By the end of the first day he too a whole bottle and I have not had 1 problem with that since. He does have the mother of all diaper rashes but it is getting better. He is so sweet.

Carmen rocks. She saw a pic of a baby crying and she said (I translated it) baby sad diaper stinky. When I change an especially stinky diaper of hers I have to be careful not to tease too much because she gets very embarrassed. I had to tell her that Mommy is stinky too. She wouldn't take a nap today but then later we were watching tv and she fell asleep sitting on my lap. She hasnt done that in so long I just sat there and soaked it in. I love her.

I was talking to a friend the other day and it made me start thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I am not all that sure about myself except that I am a good person. I am happy with that. And while I don't have everything that I want in life, I have the things I want the most. My husband and my babies, a place to live and food to eat. Truthfully thats what I wanted as a little girl. A family of my own. It would be nice to own my own house and drive newer nicer cars I don't really care. I just wanted to be loved. And I really am. Every member of my little family LOVES me as much as I love them. They all give me kisses and hugs without me asking. I may have been slightly deprived of those things as a child. I made a promise to C when she was born that I would tell her every day I saw her or talked to her that I loved her. I have not broken that promise. I feel the same about L too. And Sean. I do tell them all every day how much I love them. And I think it every second.

I read a great blog written by a woman who suffers from ppd. She has very severe ppd. She was saying the other day that she thinks its crap when mommys say how great their child is and its all love and happiness. Because for her it was nothing close to how it should be. Her poor little baby had very bad reflux that caused constant crying and screaming. For months. I would not be able to handle that. I wanted to tell her that it is supposed to be great. You are supposed to look at your baby and have your heart smile. But you know she figured it out on her own. She helped me a lot. Because people don't talk about PPD. And even depression. My MIL told me that being spiritual and reading your bible every day cures depression. I am sure you can figure out how I felt about that. So many people are totally clueless about mental illness, even some who suffer from it. It just sucks. And when someone tells you its all in your head.... I don't understand.