I just realized something. I am not enjoying being a mom right now. That makes me cry. I wanted a family of my own since i was a very small child.
I followed this link to an article about seizing the day and enjoying your kids. It was written by a mom who was having a hard time. She said every time shes out of the house someone stops her to tell her to enjoy every second because it goes so fast.
I want to.
I want to be enjoying this time with my babies but the truth is I'm not. I am so tired I will let them do anything just so I can have 10 minutes to myself. I let them eat all over the house so I can get away from them. I will let them eat in my bed so I can go to the living room and have a moment.
(i am crying so hard I am blowing snot bubbles)
I know I am doing the best I can. And that I am suffering from major depression right now and its not my fault. But I feel like it is. I know I am going to look back and regret missing out on this time and enjoying it, but I can't. I am useing all my energy making sure they are fed and i am not abusing them.
Right now I kind of feel like life is passing me by. I am not really participating. If it were just my life it wouldn't matter but its theirs too.
Damn
Don't be so hard on yourself. I didn't suffer from major depression and I felt the same way. I remember going into a closet and hiding just to have some time to myself, and being so upset when my oldest found me (he thought we were playing hide & seek).
ReplyDeleteJust enjoy what you can, but also take the time YOU need. It's ok to need to get away from them. You are more than just a mommy... you are YOU too. Don't feel bad about doing what you need to keep holding on to YOU. If you take care of yourself the way you need, you'll be able to be a better mother to them too.
*hugs*
I know you are right. It just made me really sad that I wasn't enjoying them. I had not realized it. I am feeling much better. And I know you are right. I need to take care of me. . . its really hard to get alone time.
DeleteAlso I think I should play "hide and seek" with them more. :)
That is why some moms work, even only part-time. To get some time for them and not be Mommy constantly.
ReplyDeleteI've been told to enjoy my daughter too. It isn't easy when you are always focused on doing what needs to be done.
Believe me, your kids will turn out fine.