And I am crying. I can't stop. Because Carmen thought I was going to hurt her.
Here is what happend
Carmen fed kitty and I was mopping the kids room. When I came out Carmen had shit all over her. I went in the laundry room and there was shit on the floor. I thought it was kittys and I got mad. Really mad. I HATE when animals shit in the house. So I threw kitty outside and told carmen to go to the bath room. She got really nervous and started crying. She said "I can't get squanking" (I can't get spanking) I told her she wasn't getting a spanking she was getting a bath. But I could tell she was scared. When I took off her diaper I realized that it was her poop. Her diaper had leaked turds all over the laundry room and thats why it was all over her. She had told me kitty pooped. And she thought I was going to hurt her.
That makes me so upset. Because I know how she felt. I was terrified of my mom. I NEVER want carmen to be afraid of me. Lately I have been having a hard time holding my temper. I am working so hard on it so I don't lose it. And I have not spanked out of anger. I have only spanked Carmen once or twice in the last month. I prefer to use time out. anyway. I want carmen to know always that I love her. I grew up not knowing my mom loved me. she was angry all the time. I do not want to be that way but here I am making my child scared of me.
I am going to screw my babies up
You are not going to screw them up.
ReplyDeleteMy mom used to be angry all the time too.
But, you don't have to end up the same way.
I used to do this exercise when I'd feel mad. I would take a deep breath and say to myself over and over "It's OK. It's not a big deal." I know the cat shitting in the house is not a good thing or a small thing. But, it's also not the worst thing in the world. And it will really be alright.
Take care of you.
I am going to do that today. I think that I need to change my meds. Because that is not me. I am a happy person and right now I am not happy. I had a panic attack because Carmen was scared of me. I was afraid of my mom and I don't want my kids to be afraid of me.
ReplyDeleteI remember exactly ONE spanking that I got over the years... it was the one that I knew I didn't deserve. Trust me, I got more than that one, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteBut with that in mind, when my kids needed a spanking, they got one GOOD swat on the side of their thigh, just below the diaper line. I knew it stung, but it was just one swat so they weren't gonna be scarred emotionally.
And even more important... we all lose our cool sometimes. The times I lost my cool and blew up and overreacted, I sat down with them later and talked it over. I reminded them how they sometimes get really mad, and even mommies do that too sometimes. And the important thing is to apologize when you are wrong. And then I told them I was really sorry for getting mad and overreacting. I think that letting them see you apologize when you're wrong is a very good example.
I hope you get your meds stabilized soon.. that's gotta be so frustrating for you to have to deal with AND still function w/ the kids. *hugs*