When I think about PTSD I think about horrible traumas or war scenes. It doesn't feel right to me that I have that diagnosis. I had a bad childhood but in the grand scheme of things it was not a big deal. I wasn't raped or beaten with fists. I was beat with belts and boards, a machete once. I think the real trauma for me was the verbal abuse. And that sucks but it shouldn't be ptsd. It feels not fair to people who were raped or shot.
I was already thinking about this, trying to write this post in my head when I read Alexis (one of my favorite bloggers) post this morning. I am not vain enough to think that her post had anything to do with me. I agree with her.
I believe the ptsd I have is Complex- ptsd. Nothing that happened to me was that traumatic. What was traumatic was how long it went on. And how young it started. It was not the severity, it was the duration.
I am not telling people in my real life because it doesn't matter. And because my parents have made up for their shortcomings. What does matter to me is that it changes the treatment. That maybe I might be able to move past this depression that has controlled my life since I was 11. That I might be able to live life and enjoy my kids. And that I wont repeat the mistakes my parents made.
I have it too. Have been considering posting about it, but it feels so worthless compared to, as you say, much more serious events to others with the diagnosis. It has taken me 40 years to 'get over it' not that I don't still feel it inside each time there is a knock at my door. But, I fear making small of other's experience. I am glad YOU posted this.
ReplyDeleteThank you for telling me that.
DeleteWhat you have written here makes perfect sense to me. Years of being hit with belts or boards, and, probably worse, the time you spent fearing such treatment, has to have left lasting effects. My mom's best friend's parents used to make their children lie across chairs to be hit with belts. My mom's friend says she cannot hear the [what should be innocuous]sound of a kitchen chair being pulled across a vinyl floor without the experience coming back to her and without experiencing actual fear even though it was more than thirty years ago when it happened to her. She doesn't think it's full-blown PTSD, but it has to be something.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for taking something highly negative and, as much as you can, turning it into something positive.