Me-ness

I hate asking for help. Well who doesn't. But I have always felt pretty self sufficient until last year. And recently when I told my mom and sister I was scared of how I was feeling, it was really hard. But I cannot do it without help. I just feel sad all the time. And so tired. I know what it feels like to not have depression and this is not acceptable. 

Today I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to lay in bed and cry. I cried on saturday and sunday this weekend. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. 

Its been about 2 hours since I started this post and I got the kids up and fed and the kitchen almost clean. I am feeling better than I was. I am going to try to stay out of my bed all day. For most people that is a no brainer but its a struggle for me. But I don't think its good for me.

I am hoping my niece can spend the night with us tonight and we are excited!

I have to go get Carmen a shirt. She found her dora pj pants and now she keeps saying "I cold mommy I cold" because she wants me to find the shirt for her

Weightloss check in

Last night when Sean woke me up at 3 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep I wrote a bunch of blog posts, but now I can't remember any of them

As of today I have lost 36 pounds. I have never lost so much weight trying. I lost about 42 lbs after I had the kids but I wasnt trying. This is cool also because its been  a very short amount of time and not that much effort and I feel like I could do this forever. But I am losing inches every where but my stomach. The place I need to lose the most inches. I need to lose at least 10 inches. I am almost to the 200 pound mark. I weigh 211 right now. I haven't weighed under 200 pounds in about 6 years. I am really looking forward to it. But I havent had the energy to exercise. I know that I would be doing even better if I would but I cannot seem to get myself moving. Or just when I start something happens. Like one of the kids get sick and I cannot go to the gym or the weather shoots up to 105 and there is no way in hell I am setting foot outside. 

 I am going to get myself a new button from Scale Junkie today. I am so excited! Every 5 pounds that goes down is such an awesome feeling.

Well I am done for now I guess

Amber :)

Me-ness

Well we only made it 2 of the 3 days

Yesterday afternoon we decided to come home early 

I was so relieved when Sean said we could go home because I am exhausted

I was crying yesterday because I couldn't take it any more

And today I am feeling like shit

physically and mentally

I did too much

I learned a valuable lesson here

And it's not me being too easy on myself

I do not have endurance right now

I am going to try to repair the damage today

I am going to rest

And I am not going to feel guilty 

We are headed out of town for the weekend and my anxiety is rocketing sky high

I hate leaving my house

Even though I know I am going to enjoy this weekend I do not want to go

I am feeling so panicy 

And I want to eat every thing in the kitchen

I found out why Sean was being mean to me on sunday

He does not handle change well and he was frustrated that some of his stuff was moved

He thought it was thrown away

He is back to his sweet self

Louis got a haircut today

Just a trim around the bottom and ears

He is so cute!

He is walking around playing by himself

He is the sweetest happiest baby ever.

I am so sad today

Sean was mean last night

Normally he is nice to me

But last night he was criticizing everything I did.

I hate that

The kids are going to the circus today

I am so excited for them

Sean and I are going to get to go on a date 

I got up today and started running

I ran all day

My aunt and grandmother came over and we went shopping and out to lunch with my sister and niece

It was a good day

But now I am worn out 

I am just done

I asked my aunt to help me

She is going to come see me once a month

and help me if I need it

I hate asking for help

Everyone is so busy

But I really need help

I am having anxiety about my mom leaving

We worked so hard to clean the house 

 But I am really worried I wont be able to keep it up

P.S. Who knew being a whiny bitch could get you so much attention! I gained 5 followers in a week