Its Debbie Downer again

I am having a hard time right now. We changed my meds a few weeks ago and I am thinking we are not done yet. I cannot keep up with the house. I have had several panic attacks. I am so tired I want to cry. I have a dull headache and its here to stay. The only thing I want to do is eat. I have gained 10 pounds. 

I've been working on cognitive therapy. But I am losing hope that I will get better. Life this way is not worth living. At best things are very Meh in a bad way.

I hate posting stuff like this but I need to.

Oh 1 funny thing Carmen said that made me laugh all week. I was in my pantys and a t shirt in bed and she said "look mommy has a butt crack" pointing to my where my stomach folds over. She didn't mean it in a mean way and truly its hilarious to hear her say butt crack.

A small accomplishment

I wore a regular bathing suit today for the first time in almost 7 years. I felt very self conscience. But I said to hell with those homeless freaks I've lost 60 pounds and I'm never going to see them again. So I took off my shorts and walked around in just the bathing suit. 

I missed it. The longer bathing suits are not as free in the water. 

I am a little proud of myself.

Changes

My babies are sick and I think I am getting it too. It could just be exhaustion catching up with me. Or the change in meds still. I am so nauseous. And my allergys are pretty bad today. I have a headache.

I have been discouraged with my dieting lately. But I think I just found the cure. Forks Over Knives. I am going to buy the cookbook and work on living this lifestyle. I don't think I can do without cheese but I can cut back. The only dairy we eat now is yogurt, cheese and sometimes Ice Cream. I am tired of not having any energy. Last night I got some alone time. I went to the health food store and hobby lobby and then got stuff from the grocery store. I was thinking about what I could do for myself everyday. I started remembering how I used to ride my bike every day and how much I loved it. I think I am going to ask Sean to let me go for a bike ride every day for at least 30 min when he gets home from work. Because I went and did my errands yesterday and came home and he still had time to go fishing for a while. It is really hard for me to take the kids out with the bike trailer. I can do 1 kid with no problem but the second kid gets really hard. The other option is having Carmen ride her little bike. But I don't get the mind clearing exercise with that. It is so difficult to think that if I eat better I will feel better and may even get healthier. But what I am doing now is not working. I am stuck in the mire. I am tired ALL THE TIME.
And I am tired of it.

Carmencita

Lately when you ask Carmen what shes doing she says "anything"

It really cracks me up. I try not to laugh but sometimes I can't help it and then she will ask "why are you laughing"

We got her a fish. A beta named Bernie. I have no idea where the name came from but I like it. She has tried to feed him sunflower seeds, a muffin, milk and juice so far. Its only been 2 days.

She is sick right now and keeps telling me she needs to go to the Dr to get the eggs out of her throat. I am pretty sure her Mimi told her that.

The Bloggess

Well last night was interesting

I got to go but there was only standing room by the time I got there. Which was fine I really wanted to see Jenny because she reminds me to find joy in the little things and where ever you can. The part of her book that she read was ridiculously funny, of course. But when it came time to meet her I waited for about 30 minutes and then realized that if I stayed and met her I would start crying. In fact I did cry and I hadn't even met her yet. I had my own bathroom party. So when I stopped crying I went down stairs and got myself a 2$ bookmark instead of the 26$ book. I don't have a place to keep books in my tiny house and I wouldn't be able to display it anyway. I love my new book mark. And when I look at it from now on I will think of Jenny and being furiously happy. And that was the whole point for me

Afterwards we went with The ILs to dinner at Red Robin and I took a photo in the bathroom of myself because I keep forgettting to the the one from Sean.

THis is NOT a pregnancy picture. I repeat this is NOT a pregnancy picture. It's just a look how much weight I've lost picture.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with everything from last night and I cant explain it but . . . .  

Its ok.

Today I had dental work done and More is getting done tomorrow so I am going to go to bed.

Good night

Shorty

I am going to go see The Bloggess today and I really wish I had a small taxidermy-ed animal that died of natural causes to bring with.  I just know that Jenny and I should be best friends. I really love the furiously happy thing she is. 

Also last night I saw The Lucky One. It was ok. I thought it was going to be better but the notebook it was not. 

30

Well yesterday was my birthday. I am now in my 30s. A lot of people go off on how old they are and what not but I don't feel any older. I believe that your 30s are the best years of your life. My 20s were definitely better than my childhood and teens so hopefully life will keep getting better with each decade. 

But yesterday I was in such a bad mood and so were the kids. I had to work and they would not let me. I ended up locking them out of the office just so I could finish. Then I took them out of the house because I had a bunch of errands to run.I had to return the cable box and get an oil change and inspection. So we dropped off the car at a little place that did both and went to lunch. I think Carmen is trying to kill me because twice she stopped in the middle of a busy parking lot entrance and threw a major fit. I ended up grabbing her arm and carrying her to safety. I was pretty upset with her. But I still managed to get a lot done despite her being a pill. When we got home she and Louie took a nap and I cleaned the house and listened to music and embroidered. And when Sean got home from work we went to a restaurant and had margaritas and nachos. The kids played on the playground of doom at the restaurant. But the day ended well and that is pretty much all you can ask for.

Sean took some pictures of me that show I've lost a lot of weight but they are not on my phone so I can't add them to this post. Sorry.

I looked for a 30 themed picture to post instead but I like this the most