Randomness

Sorry I have not been posting regularly.  Part of the time I am so tired I can barely function and the other half I feel good and just want to enjoy something else besides blogging. 

I saw my Dr last week and that day I was feeling great. Which is good but sucks at the same time. But I made sure I told her. She said if I dip like that again to call her. I will if I need to.

Sean started his new job over a week ago. While he will be making a lot more than he was before, because of the cut in my salary we wont really see much difference. It sucks. But if my salary goes back up then I think we will notice it more. 

Last night I got no sleep because C was sick. Fever and everything. And the night before that she just couldn't sleep. So I am running on empty today.

We started phase 1 of our diet again. I lost 6 lbs in 2 days. I know it wasn't fat that I lost but I don't care. I am not giving up.

I have to go because Cs radar kicked in and now she wants me to hold her

Its Debbie Downer again

I am having a hard time right now. We changed my meds a few weeks ago and I am thinking we are not done yet. I cannot keep up with the house. I have had several panic attacks. I am so tired I want to cry. I have a dull headache and its here to stay. The only thing I want to do is eat. I have gained 10 pounds. 

I've been working on cognitive therapy. But I am losing hope that I will get better. Life this way is not worth living. At best things are very Meh in a bad way.

I hate posting stuff like this but I need to.

Oh 1 funny thing Carmen said that made me laugh all week. I was in my pantys and a t shirt in bed and she said "look mommy has a butt crack" pointing to my where my stomach folds over. She didn't mean it in a mean way and truly its hilarious to hear her say butt crack.

A small accomplishment

I wore a regular bathing suit today for the first time in almost 7 years. I felt very self conscience. But I said to hell with those homeless freaks I've lost 60 pounds and I'm never going to see them again. So I took off my shorts and walked around in just the bathing suit. 

I missed it. The longer bathing suits are not as free in the water. 

I am a little proud of myself.

Changes

My babies are sick and I think I am getting it too. It could just be exhaustion catching up with me. Or the change in meds still. I am so nauseous. And my allergys are pretty bad today. I have a headache.

I have been discouraged with my dieting lately. But I think I just found the cure. Forks Over Knives. I am going to buy the cookbook and work on living this lifestyle. I don't think I can do without cheese but I can cut back. The only dairy we eat now is yogurt, cheese and sometimes Ice Cream. I am tired of not having any energy. Last night I got some alone time. I went to the health food store and hobby lobby and then got stuff from the grocery store. I was thinking about what I could do for myself everyday. I started remembering how I used to ride my bike every day and how much I loved it. I think I am going to ask Sean to let me go for a bike ride every day for at least 30 min when he gets home from work. Because I went and did my errands yesterday and came home and he still had time to go fishing for a while. It is really hard for me to take the kids out with the bike trailer. I can do 1 kid with no problem but the second kid gets really hard. The other option is having Carmen ride her little bike. But I don't get the mind clearing exercise with that. It is so difficult to think that if I eat better I will feel better and may even get healthier. But what I am doing now is not working. I am stuck in the mire. I am tired ALL THE TIME.
And I am tired of it.

Carmencita

Lately when you ask Carmen what shes doing she says "anything"

It really cracks me up. I try not to laugh but sometimes I can't help it and then she will ask "why are you laughing"

We got her a fish. A beta named Bernie. I have no idea where the name came from but I like it. She has tried to feed him sunflower seeds, a muffin, milk and juice so far. Its only been 2 days.

She is sick right now and keeps telling me she needs to go to the Dr to get the eggs out of her throat. I am pretty sure her Mimi told her that.

The Bloggess

Well last night was interesting

I got to go but there was only standing room by the time I got there. Which was fine I really wanted to see Jenny because she reminds me to find joy in the little things and where ever you can. The part of her book that she read was ridiculously funny, of course. But when it came time to meet her I waited for about 30 minutes and then realized that if I stayed and met her I would start crying. In fact I did cry and I hadn't even met her yet. I had my own bathroom party. So when I stopped crying I went down stairs and got myself a 2$ bookmark instead of the 26$ book. I don't have a place to keep books in my tiny house and I wouldn't be able to display it anyway. I love my new book mark. And when I look at it from now on I will think of Jenny and being furiously happy. And that was the whole point for me

Afterwards we went with The ILs to dinner at Red Robin and I took a photo in the bathroom of myself because I keep forgettting to the the one from Sean.

THis is NOT a pregnancy picture. I repeat this is NOT a pregnancy picture. It's just a look how much weight I've lost picture.

I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with everything from last night and I cant explain it but . . . .  

Its ok.

Today I had dental work done and More is getting done tomorrow so I am going to go to bed.

Good night

Shorty

I am going to go see The Bloggess today and I really wish I had a small taxidermy-ed animal that died of natural causes to bring with.  I just know that Jenny and I should be best friends. I really love the furiously happy thing she is. 

Also last night I saw The Lucky One. It was ok. I thought it was going to be better but the notebook it was not.