I am having a bad day today. I am so sad about my Opa. He is the only Grandpa I really have. My moms dad is mentally ill but doesn't admit it. My Opa is in a crappy nursing home to die. He is on morphine now because he is in so much pain. I believe the pain is caused by his body slowly shutting down and the toxins building up. I don't think he will last a month. I saw him yesterday and he looked better than the 2 times I had seen him before but then I heard that he was on morphine and that explained it. I hate that the last memories I have of him will be this but at least he is still there. He knows I am 5 months preggo and the Baby's name is going to be Louis Michael. But I am so sad to see my Opa this way. Death is so unnatural. Even though I know why I still think WHY. It hurts so bad. We are not supposed to lose people we love. We are not supposed to watch them die slowly and in pain. Its not supposed to happen. We are supposed to live forever in perfection and be young and healthy. I wish I could lay in bed for a few weeks until my heart feels better but it suck because life goes on. I can't stop living for a little while I have to keep going. I am just tired right now. And sad. Even eating is not making me feel better. But it's ok because I have a Dr. appt for the 6th to get depression medication. And probably I will feel better because I can cry now. Some times I cant cry. But you need that release. I am going to take a shower and go to bed

Good night

The worst mom ever

So today I won the bad mom award for the day. I was so tired I could not get out of bed. Carmen was waking up and fussing but then she would go back to sleep so I just left her. About an hour later she finally did the I am NOT going back to sleep cry. So I went in to get her. She was standing up in her crib and when she saw me she sat down like FINALLY. But when I got to her there was poo all over her and her bed. Alot of it. And I saw it because she was pointing to it. Thats right. I left my sweet beautiful little baby sitting in poo for an hour. And she was calmly telling me about it.

Later on I fed her breakfast and I swear that she turned to me and said All done. And she was. She is so cool. I love her so much. I cannot wait until baby Louis is born.

Its always something

So some things are going good and other things really suck.Its always something. Sean and I are doing good. Although I am going to rip him a new one when he gets home because I got our (well it was really my mom) clean and he has started a new pile of clothes on his side of the bed. Carmen is good. Shes grumpy right now but I think shes getting a new tooth. So I understand. And the baby is good. I am doing so good with this pregnancy. I have only gained 5 pounds so far(according to my scale anyway). But my Opa is not doing good. And today my mom told me that they don't think he is going to make it home because he cannot walk or stand. She said that it took 3 nurses to get him to the bathroom. There is no way the family will be able to do that. We are having a hard time getting just 1 person to be with him all the time there is no way 3 will be able to do it. So it looks like he will be staying in the hospice center. It is a really nice place. It doesn't smell and it doesn't feel like a nursing home, but I don't like it. When I saw him on Saturday he was having a hard time staying awake. My heart is breaking.

Every time we are making progress and I think ok this is ok, we are going to make it. He goes and makes such a huge ass out of himself and I cant stand to look at him. Is it wrong of me to wish that just once mil would say well you are doing such a good job being a mom that I am not going to say anything.

Funny pic

Is this not the best pic ever!

Carmencita

Today I have a funny story to tell! My twin got married on sat and I changed out Carmen's earrings for the wedding. I went to put them back yesterday and I could not find one of them. Then I remembered the day before I had stood Carmen up against the coffee table so she could watch her show and I could wash some dishes and I looked back to check on her and she was chewing on something so I ran over and scooped a penny out of her mouth. At the time I thought nothing of it. Well actually I thought "if she craps out two dimes and a nickel then you can worry". But when I went to change her earrings back and one was missing I thought I bet she ate one of them before I got to her. So I got her poopy diaper out of the trash and checked it, no earring, plenty of gags though. And I kept checking every time there was poo in her diaper, seemed like every time I changed it there was poo in it. I think she did that on purpose. At the end of the day I was getting her ready for bed and I changed her poopy diaper and sure enough there was an earring in there. EWWWWWW. So I took it out and boiled it forever, then I scrubbed it with soap. She is now wearing pretty gold earrings and I have a HILARIOUS story to embarrass her with. That turd can you believe it. And then tonight she tried to eat one of the ones I took out today ( you think I would have learned my lesson and put them away or not left her standing at the coffee table).

P.S. I give up trying to anonamize us

The Husband (of my dreams)

Well Hubby is feeling and acting much better. Right now he is putting Baby to sleep, singing to her along with her music. And I didn't have to ask him to do it. He had a follow up visit today with his Dr. and She said we do need to up his dose but she thinks he is on the right medication. I am so happy. He is much more like the Hubby I married. He is in a better mood more often. He still has his moments but its better. And he is helping out now. Today I was so tired he brought her to me to feed her, then he gave her her breakfast and did the dishes and got stuff ready for the day. All without me asking. And he let me sleep. He never lets me sleep. Its like he thinks if I can't sleep neither can she. But not any more. I really love him a lot. The last 2 years have been rough but now I understand and its getting better. It is helping both of us to feel better.

I started writing this days ago but am just now finishing it.

Sean is acting so much better. He is like a different person. He is helpful and understanding and appreciative and getting better and better every day. Now when I go off on him ( the preggo hormones are kicking in) he takes it and apologizes for whatever hes done. We can hold a whole conversation without arguing. I feel like I am falling in love all over again. Also he got a job. He started Monday and he likes it so far. But its helping him too. Because he feels like a man now. He is our provider. It is such a relief. And even though I miss him and there have been many times where I wish he were home so he could take care of Carmen its nice to have alone time. And to see him gaining self confidence. I am so happy. For him and for me.