PTSD

When I think about PTSD I think about horrible traumas or war scenes. It doesn't feel right to me that I have that diagnosis. I had a bad childhood but in the grand scheme of things it was not a big deal. I wasn't raped or beaten with fists. I was beat with belts and boards, a machete once. I think the real trauma for me was the verbal abuse. And that sucks but it shouldn't be ptsd. It feels not fair to people who were raped or shot.

I was already thinking about this, trying to write this post in my head when I read Alexis (one of my favorite bloggers) post this morning. I am not vain enough to think that her post had anything to do with me. I agree with her. 

I believe the ptsd I have is Complex- ptsd. Nothing that happened to me was that traumatic. What was traumatic was how long it went on. And how young it started. It was not the severity, it was the duration.  

I am not telling people in my real life because it doesn't matter. And because my parents have made up for their shortcomings. What does matter to me is that it changes the treatment.   That maybe I might be able to move past this depression that has controlled my life since I was 11. That I might be able to live life and enjoy my kids. And that I wont repeat the mistakes my parents made.

Therapy

I am the face of PTSD

It means that I feel like everything is going to kill me (subconsciously)

My therapist is hopeful that the treatment will work but I am discouraged

I am supposed to write down stuck points and a mission statement but I am a little confused about what both of those are

I tried twice to write a post about this and nothing would come out 

So I started writing in my journal and then transcribed it here

The good news about this is that PTSD can hold recovery back. It has a specialized treatment and is curable

Treatment for PTSD helps you think differently about the trauma you experienced

I feel guilty about this diagnosis because my mom is not the same person she was when I was a kid

She is very kind to me now and she tells me she loves me every time we talk

She respects me now

Its not fair

I wish all of this were in the past

I wish it would stay there

The best day ever

Later today I leave for my first solo trip since the kids were born

No kids

No husband

Just me and a friend

I am going to a show for professionals in the beauty industry

I hope to get a few free beauty treatments

We are going to eat and laugh and drink

I CAN'T WAIT

Therapy

So yesterday I met with my therapist for the first time in about 6 weeks

I spent the whole time working on the things we talked about

And trying to think

Trying to identify thoughts and feelings

But I didn't do good

We talked about that and she suggested that I might have PTSD

The thought of PTSD is overwhelming

But whether or not I have it we are going to start using some of the techniques used for PTSD in my therapy

That is a good thought

A new tool

Maybe it will help

Carmencita

Today was another shitty day

In every way

But Carmen made it better this evening

Even though she is going through a really hard stage

She was complaining about wanting dinner

I thought about letting her have crap or ordering a pizza or something

But we ate crap all day so I offered to make salads for dinner

We went out in the yard and picked lettuce

 And as we were coming in She said 

"I love you so much momma, to the back"

I tell her I love her to them moon and back and so now she says to the back

It Melts my angry heart

P.S. Ruth. I am hoping this anger is a new stage in recovery. But maybe I should cut back on the sugar

Amberness

I have been up and down a lot lately

Mostly down

And angry

At every thing

I am angry that I can't seem to continue doing better

I am angry that some things in my life haven't worked out the way I wanted them to.

And I don't know why I am angry

Of course I am endlessly tired

But the trazodone and magnesium I take help me sleep at about 85% of what I need.

So that is doable 

The kids are sick as usual

I am out of humor

Therapy (written weeks ago)

Last week in therapy Nancy asked why I wasn't feeling better even though I was doing all the stuff we talk about. (I really do all the stuff) I thought about it all week and when I had my appointment with her this week I was able to tell her that I was feeling better. I found out the 2 most important things for my mental health are sleep and not feeling sorry for myself. My life is wonderful right now but it is hard too. I have 2 small kids, and a husband that I love very much but neither of those things are easy.

I have been feeling so much better this week. Not letting myself feel sorry while still being nice to myself. I am trying to make some time for me. I ask for more. And its really helping. And the sleep. I require a lot of sleep. When I sleep more than 10 hours I feel FANTASTIC. Its hard to do with kiddos but I need to remember. 

I am feeing so much better that I am going to get up and clean the house right now at 7:30 am before I go for surgery. Now that is good. I did all my morning routine so far and cleaning the house for the day has become a part of it. I really like that. I hate having a dirty house.