New Adventures

I know I have not been around. I have just had nothing to post about. All the same things. Until this week. I am currently on an amazing vacation in Playa Del Carmen. I am crossing things off my bucket list that I didn't even know were on there.

1. Stay at a fantastic 5 star resort
2. Drink delicious frozen beverages while laying in a cabana on a bed poolside 
3. See the Ocean that is not The Gulf of Mexico 

I am having a wonderful time and I only started getting sunburned today. We got here on Saturday. Sean is flying in tomorrow. I cannot wait til he gets here. I am missing him so much.

I have to go because my mom just came in here and she doesn't know I have a blog.

I will write more when I get home 



Weightloss

So my diet is not going that great. The kids keep talking me into things. 

It goes like this; 

Kids: Mommy can we go somewhere?

Me: Yes lets go eat breakfast at Mcds

Or

Kids: Mommy I'm hungry

Me: Ok lets go eat lunch at McDs

My self control is crap right now. But that was only 1 day and other than that I have been good.

But I don't know how much weight I've lost because my scale is an asshole. It was telling me I had lost 16 lbs and then Sean moved it into another room and now its saying I've lost 2. But its been telling him he hasn't lost any and he has lost 7. 

Time for a new scale

A New Normal

I am feeling sorry for myself today

The kids are with MIL and I really miss them

I have been enjoying them a lot lately

I got so depressed after I dropped them off I cried half the way home

We have been doing good on our diet again and I lost 15 lbs so far

I have 24 to get back to my lowest since I started losing

Today I made myself low carb cookies

Regular cookies are SO much better

I have to keep reminding myself that its for the kids

(the healthy lifestyle not the cookies)

Both my goobs have been so good lately

And sweet

Carmen kisses me randomly all the time

And shes always asking to help me do things around the house

They clean their room with a reasonable amount of asking-begging-threatening

Louis kisses my forehead and tells me he "muffs" me

It kills me

I am doing good right now

Maybe not today so much

Killer cramps

But taking a break from MIL has helped me so much

I going to spend the rest of today watching  The New Girl and doing girly stuff for myself

MIL

Yesterday was Carmens dance recital

She was so cute and did such a good job

She was such a little princess

And that is where I want this blog to end but it doesn't

After the recital we went to the ILs house for dinner

Where MIL proceeded to "spank" me

I had a panic attack and ran from the room crying

It felt humiliating and unjust

I realize that a lot of those feelings were my past speaking

But she did that because she was once again complaining about FIL and how he didn't vacuum a pillow she has that she vacuums 

I said " how nice of your husband to vacuum for you" 

So then she said " Sean helps you to Amber. Don't act like he doesn't help. I am going to spank you for that"

And then she walked over and smacked me on the butt 7 times

I wasn't saying that Sean doesn't help me (even though he doesn't)

I was saying maybe for once you should be thankful that you have such a good husband

So then I am in the bathroom crying trying to calm myself 

And here comes her footsteps and a god damn knock on the door

"Amber can I talk to you"

So then she comes in and tells me that she does that to the people she loves

She never really said she was sorry

I cannot remember if she actually said the words or not but what she said after proves that she didn't really care

She was trying to tell me that I took it the wrong way

Like its my fault

She made it all about herself

I explained that it gave me a panic attack and that in therapy we had been talking about my mom a lot and she said something to the effect of: I really love you amber and I didn't do that to hurt you. You take everything I do like I did it on purpose. so I said I know and she said "no I don't think you do"

I feel like we are at the tipping point of cutting her out of our life 

All its going to take is 1 more tiny thing and then I am going to put her in a time out

I am so tired of carmen telling me "Mimi says I can't do that" or other obnoxious shit

If my mom pulled that crap i'd cut her out too

If I had made some one cry I would feel bad and make sure they knew I was sorry 

And I wouldn't do it again

That was not the first time she spanked me

I am a grown ass woman

That was so disrespectful of me as a human being

A person

I am having a really bad day because of this ridiculousness

I keep reliving it over and over in my head

I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it is to me

My mom used to do shit like that to me all the time so it pulled up all those feelings

On top of that it proves how selfish my mother in law is

How can you not feel sorry?

Maybe that relationship is not worth working on

PTSD

When I think about PTSD I think about horrible traumas or war scenes. It doesn't feel right to me that I have that diagnosis. I had a bad childhood but in the grand scheme of things it was not a big deal. I wasn't raped or beaten with fists. I was beat with belts and boards, a machete once. I think the real trauma for me was the verbal abuse. And that sucks but it shouldn't be ptsd. It feels not fair to people who were raped or shot.

I was already thinking about this, trying to write this post in my head when I read Alexis (one of my favorite bloggers) post this morning. I am not vain enough to think that her post had anything to do with me. I agree with her. 

I believe the ptsd I have is Complex- ptsd. Nothing that happened to me was that traumatic. What was traumatic was how long it went on. And how young it started. It was not the severity, it was the duration.  

I am not telling people in my real life because it doesn't matter. And because my parents have made up for their shortcomings. What does matter to me is that it changes the treatment.   That maybe I might be able to move past this depression that has controlled my life since I was 11. That I might be able to live life and enjoy my kids. And that I wont repeat the mistakes my parents made.

Therapy

I am the face of PTSD

It means that I feel like everything is going to kill me (subconsciously)

My therapist is hopeful that the treatment will work but I am discouraged

I am supposed to write down stuck points and a mission statement but I am a little confused about what both of those are

I tried twice to write a post about this and nothing would come out 

So I started writing in my journal and then transcribed it here

The good news about this is that PTSD can hold recovery back. It has a specialized treatment and is curable

Treatment for PTSD helps you think differently about the trauma you experienced

I feel guilty about this diagnosis because my mom is not the same person she was when I was a kid

She is very kind to me now and she tells me she loves me every time we talk

She respects me now

Its not fair

I wish all of this were in the past

I wish it would stay there

The best day ever

Later today I leave for my first solo trip since the kids were born

No kids

No husband

Just me and a friend

I am going to a show for professionals in the beauty industry

I hope to get a few free beauty treatments

We are going to eat and laugh and drink

I CAN'T WAIT