rambling

My dad made it through and he is doing wonderful today. Hes not in any pain at all, but we were told there is very little pain with this procedure. He was already working this morning. 

I am relieved but exhausted. My brain is so fried today. I am not doing anything. But I feel like its something that any normal person would be depressed over so I am just going to ride the wave. It will get better this time. And soon I am sure. 

I wish I could take a nap today but I can't. Carmen wont let me. And now my MIL is on her way here to bring the kids coats. Maybe she will take one home with her. 

I am just going to ramble again. I am feeling a bit more stressed this morning. I woke up before 5:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep. Partly because I had a bad dream. 

I dreamed my twin was getting married and my mom was being a bitch. She was berating my twin for having gained a little weight. It made me so mad I started screaming at her. I have dreams like this occasionally. They used to make me feel empowered but now I just feel sad. So anyway that is staying with me. And a fear my dad is not going to be ok. Also I really miss Sean. He has been gone a week and a half. He will get home today but I need him. I have some work that needs to get done ASAP but the computers are offline. One more thing causing me anxiety. I guess in a few hours it will be over. One way or another.  

I am just going to ramble tonight

This is the first time I have had a moment to myself to process the stuff with my dad and Louis.

I don't know how I feel about any of it

I am glad we are getting Louie help if he needs it. I felt like something wasn't right. Maybe hes just fine and the ST(speech therapist) will find he is just choosing not to speak. I don't know but of course I am unhappy that he may have something wrong. 

And this business with my dad

It is hard because I love my daddy. I don't know what I would do if he died. Or even if he has a major stroke and turns into a vegetable. 

In the big picture my childhood was not a big deal but in the moment, it was very hard and stressful. My dad beat me a few times and was emotionally abusive and pretty absent but when he was there, he was there. I always knew he loved me. And that makes all the rest much easier to get over. I had/have much less resentment for him than my mom. He gets me. He makes me laugh. He tells the stupidest jokes. And I LOVE that about him. I love how he is a huge dork. Probably my dad will be fine. hopefully he will live at least 20 more years. It really sucks because he could have prevented this. If he had practiced what he preached he would not have had to have a quadruple bypass, he would not be diabetic, and he would not be having a  endarterectomy. 

I wish I didn't need sleep. I wish I could stay up all night and just think, but I am so tired. I am feeling sad about this but I feel like I can deal with all of this. 

Better

This weekend was really rough. We found out my dad will have to have surgery on Wednesday and even though its kind of a relief to know its getting taken care of, its still scary. I feel resentful towards him because this was preventable. He rides my ass about my health but he doesn't take care of his own. At this point I am healthier than he was at my age. Asshole.

Also today I had Louis screened because he doesn't talk yet. He will be evaluated in Jan. I feel sad that something might be wrong with him but good because I felt like something was not right. No matter what it is, its never ok for your baby to not be perfect.

And Sean was out of town all week last week and left again today. I miss him so much I can't stand it. He came home Saturday night and we just held each other and talked He is my best friend. He was saying something about if he has to take the camera man job and I told him no. It will not work for me. No matter what conditions you put on them it isn't going to happen. 

But all things considered, I am still doing good. I am no more tired than normal. And I only cried uncontrollably once. I do wish I could eat an entire bakery but other than that I feel fine. I love wellbutrin!

Ramblings

I saw my counselor today. He is so kind. It was nice because I was able to tell him I am feeling better. I have been doing better since I started going to office but I hadn't really started feeling better. He always tells me how nice it is that I am doing better. I am really trying to get better but I think most people don't put the effort in. Not that most people don't want to, they are not at the point that they can. I also told him that I had to put myself in time out the other day. And he said it was a really cool concept that I am teaching my kids. I made a glitter/calm down jar. I made it so that when the kids (or I) get upset or overwhelmed we can shake the jar and watch the glitter settle. I haven't used it yet because I just made it so I don't know if it works or not. I hope it works.

I think that Bea is mad at me and I feel sick about it. Sick at my stomach and heart broken. I have a problem with recriminations. I still think about things I did or said as a child and feel sick about them. 

Birthday

Yesterday Bea had her baby, and I was there. She had a beautiful baby girl. I helped  her for the last 12 hours of her labor. It was a hard, long labor. Over 36 hours. But she pushed the baby out in less than 15 mins. It was amazing. And of course Bea wins in any pain complaint department but Damn I am in so much pain today. all of my muscles hurt. And my knees ache. I spent all day on them applying counter pressure and massaging her. She had a VERY hard labor. About 5 minutes after the baby was born I left the room and spent about 10 minutes just crying. It was an emotional day, and exhausting. Then I came home and hugged my kids. Bea's labor made me glad I had C-sections. And I would have another if I just so happened to get preggo again. That  was hard for me, so I cannot imagine how hard it was for her. 

The poor little baby had a terrible cone head. But she was the sweetest most beautiful cone head. 

I am so happy for Bea

Anxiety

I am having major anxiety right now because my best friend went into labor today I am not going to get to be with her. Sean had volunteered to watch the kids and let me go but hes at work and when I hinted that I wanted him to come home early he got all huffy and said he had to work late. Not only does my friend (from now on she will be known as Bea) want me to be there, I am dieing to be with her. I have that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest is tight. And I feel sad. I have been planning this for longer than shes been pregnant. She was with me when I gave birth to my first and I wanted to be with her. I am trying to calm myself but its not working