AmbyLand

I am just going to ramble tonight

This is the first time I have had a moment to myself to process the stuff with my dad and Louis.

I don't know how I feel about any of it

I am glad we are getting Louie help if he needs it. I felt like something wasn't right. Maybe hes just fine and the ST(speech therapist) will find he is just choosing not to speak. I don't know but of course I am unhappy that he may have something wrong. 

And this business with my dad

It is hard because I love my daddy. I don't know what I would do if he died. Or even if he has a major stroke and turns into a vegetable. 

In the big picture my childhood was not a big deal but in the moment, it was very hard and stressful. My dad beat me a few times and was emotionally abusive and pretty absent but when he was there, he was there. I always knew he loved me. And that makes all the rest much easier to get over. I had/have much less resentment for him than my mom. He gets me. He makes me laugh. He tells the stupidest jokes. And I LOVE that about him. I love how he is a huge dork. Probably my dad will be fine. hopefully he will live at least 20 more years. It really sucks because he could have prevented this. If he had practiced what he preached he would not have had to have a quadruple bypass, he would not be diabetic, and he would not be having a  endarterectomy. 

I wish I didn't need sleep. I wish I could stay up all night and just think, but I am so tired. I am feeling sad about this but I feel like I can deal with all of this.